I dance in the mottled dapple of afternoons light
The soft crack of fallen leaves
Buried in the wet quiet of misting rain
Clothes clinging to me
Revealing unattractive form
But my dance continues, unabated
A paen to life’s minutes turning
A song sung in steps and ragged breathing
Rasp
Shudder
Red blossom
Fades black
Green
Salt
Heat
Breathe held
Nerve fires
Languid
Words
Promises
Trust builds
Secrets kept
Hope
Should I love less
Now as winter creeps on
Than I had in spring
When full and fresh
Blossoming in the warm
Languid air
Should I love less
As the sky grows colder
The clouds heavier
As winter spreads her wings
Snow blankets the ground
Bitter breathe freezing
Should I love less
When dawn bursts forth
Consuming darkness in a
Wave of heat
Should I love less
When day concedes to night
And all before is laid low
By shadows
Should I love less
Should I dance less
Should I burn less
Should I be less
Or take up the mantle
And become
Both less and more
Dichotomous Angel
Brought message blazed out
Sanity and rage
Emptiness and Glut
Given form, given choice, given life
A fevere dream of hope.
Last rays of light, falling tears in a glorious gray sky
Playful is dangerous
without consequences
Consent looms over us
Words can be spoken
play is enough of a invitation
To say
You make me want to crowd you
Push you up against the wall
Pin your wrist against your struggles
Taste your mouth in fierce possession
Take all that your playfulness promises
Burn us both with passion
Which you said you don’t want
Yet you play and play
I am not made of stone
Eventually, something will give
Note: I’ll say something, be blunt. Consent is far too important to me. But she pushes and pushes. I can’t tell if she wants me to use force or if she is waiting to say “aha! Gotcha! You’re just like the rest. It’s tiring and it hurts.
I am uneasy.
I can feel the blood coursing through my veins.
My muscles twitching in time to the beat.
Ache spreading out.
Circulation not quite cut off.
Dizzy and reckless.
Falling out of the edge of consciousness
Floating but aware as the drumbeat holds me steady
Sensation from outside
Fevered heat
Slowly melding in
Then a suddenness of pain
Almost shocking to wakefulness
But receding into the background
Replaced by eagerness
Anticipations building
Unbearable
Again! Nerve endings crying for more
Again! Pain turning to the muddle of both it and pleasure
Mixing until all is lost to rut and ruin
I’m tired now.
Sick now
Having drunk midnight wine
I find myself back in the daylight
A memory or a dream
Either have left their mark.
You see it coming but the on rushing train
Is as much exhilaration as danger.
It slams into
Breaking down well worn edges.
Fracture points of the past
I awake now, blinded by the sun
Aching and staggered.
Should have been content, should have been simple.
Let time do its work.
But never content
A roll of the dice
A razor balanced on its edge
Never knowin where this is all going
just broken
sifting sand looking for a emerald
that’s too general
not looking for money
it’s ephemeral
this life is not perfect
but some people make it worth it
friends and family
they just want the best for me
they don’t understand what that is though
I’m getting to the point where I don’t know
just looking for that spark that moment
when light shines and its all made clear
it’s misleading
mind knows the truth then I start thinking
let grief and fear cloud my feelings
I’m just sinking
waves got me drowning
ocean pulls me under
and makes me wonder if this peaceful sleep is the last thing I’ll choose
but I’ll never go quietly, out like a bang not a whimper
I’ll never be nearer
this hollow maze guides me back to choices made for me
heart that’s full to bursting
alleviate the pressure
fantasy never quite resolving to reality
words are both my truth and my victim
light myself on fire to light your way home to me
but talking to an empty room
it all just ends so soon
endings take care of themselves
but beginnings and middles can last forever
if we work at it
and if it ends
transform to bring me back to you
or break free from your cage and find me no longer in dreams but in the real
woken up to reality which makes sleep a enemy
not wanting to take a step further away from you
even as dreams pull me under
In the quiet heartbeat
In the deeps
There is doubt
In the space between breathes
In the silence
Fear gives its council
Slipping inward
Gasping for air
The maelstrom calms
In the quiet heartbeat
In the deeps
There is resolve
In the space between breathes
In the silence
I awaken
A candle flickers to life
Rasping the spark
Kind words a scourge
No balm to the furies within
Drinking midnight wine
Alone in my bed
Straps that held me down now hold me up
Consenting nonconsent
Strange the last flares of thought
Slipping into oblivion.
Pelgris 