How can I be
A dancer on the precipice
When I am so afraid
To fail
Can I choose
A path forward
A step between
To a point of the infinite
What feels like falling
Strength wars with the push
Sleep a promise unfulfilled
Searching for a place of safety
Knowing all along
We might not all make it
Knowing the step forward is the only choice
But all roads are open
How to choose
When choices shut doors
Leading to
Instead of away
Partial phrases atop half written lines
Skin touched to bare metal until it burns
That dizzy feeling when your eyes close and your only thought(hope) is sleep
feel of a hand in yours
The loosed lips promise
taste of whiskey brushed breathe on a tongue filled with knives
Silent smiles of which novels are written
Trashy fan fiction
Steals the light
Packaged and sold for a broken minute
Jacket blurbs
Bland
deleted pages
Ripped away in the dull habit of dreaming
I stop and I start
Wishing and planning and hoping
Waiting for
That maybe
That wink, that nudge, that smile
That yes
That you
You I choose
And words tumble out
Wishing for wanting
Knowing and needing
But quiet
Because speaking about seething volcanic mountain of my love
Scares
But I am not built of silences
If I’m quiet, it’s because I’m thinking
Or assessing
Or deciding
never for punishment
Never for spite
Always one second from a silly song
Ready to wear my joy on my lips
Dancing on the edge of your tongue
Even as the dark clothes say somber
The dark roses say yours
Do you but speak
You see these pictures of pretty
Wondering what works
What’s petty
Wondering how to get to that beauty
Wanting a taste without mercy
Never wandering in the mind about
The journey
Between waking to this yearning
That shapes a soul into pretty
What sacrifices to the dark gods of
Hunger, of
Hurting, of
Never being quite enough
One more run
One more set
One more murky, dubious concoction
So healthy
You state your desire like it’s worth this path paved in blood
Like you deserve the barren fruits of this
Toil, this labor
You think only to eat the fruit
And tasting its flavor walk away
One more taster
Never working hard enough to savour
The seeds lie at the heart
No saviors
Waking from freedom
This salivating pulsating driver
Slaver
Making fools feel free
To make ignorance in favor
Last flavor
Poison memories
No puppet me
Breaking free
Bound on the ferris wheel
Tied to the carnivale
One more turn
Pretty, they hold their hands to their mouths
Like they can taste what painful route travels through the veins
Mistaking the grimace for pleasure
The gasps and breathless groans for desire
And always thinking, so pretty
They can’t see
Blind to beginnings
Blind to the journey
They take
And take
and take
Until
Whats left?
I have only sad words and hopeless thoughts today
Trending in this down spiral
Reaching for a touch to anchor me
Words of lament masked in strength and laughter
Wanting that kiss, that hold that seems too far distant to ever be real
And still, I dream
And still, I wish
Not in hope
But in planning
Waiting for the last word
Last turn of the card
To make what seems
Into what is
Knowledge is the price of freedom
It always has been.
Not the not knowing…ignorance is slavery
No, the price of freedom is Knowing
Knowing truths
Unpleasant, often horrible, truths
Which is why humanity spends so much time and energy hiding
Retreating and backpedaling from the reality that they see
Rising up in glorious moments of comprehension
until they see one truth too many and it sends them scurrying back to the poisoned lullaby sleep of ignorance
That slip back into “simpler times”
The false memories of how good it used to be
Disregarding that it was the persuit of knowledge and a deep distrust of willful ignorance that little by little
dragged you into the a future filled with wonders
Never before in history has humanity had so much
Even the poorest of us
trapped in imposed cycles of blood and poverty have to hand more luxury than ever seen before
And still, the people with the most keep falling back
Keep retreating from truth because
its hard, its so hard
Like children whose days of play have been ripped away
trying for one more minute of ignorance
unwilling to pay the butchers bill that their ignorance has accrued
Instead doubling down again and again
that fevered gambler hoping desperately that they can eak out one more turn of the cards
while the world around them burns,
at last we come to the end of knowledge
abutting its happy and callous head against Truth
Where choices matter more and more
the world changes on a whim
Forged by those who’ve forgotten that it’s the
Enlightened part of self interest that makes civilization work
I am brightness in darkness
Kindness in tragedy
A pleasurable reprieve in the darkling sea
And in the light
The shine that pulled you away from pain
Glimmers with dark light
No bright bird sharing cheer and excitement
Dark croak and sardonic cuts
Too bright for one world
Too dark for the other
And here I stand
On the borders
Betwixt
Calling your name
The day begins in reluctance
In putting out of the mind all the things
All the things outside of control
And choose breakfast
My kind of breakfast
Crunchy peanut butter and Strawberry Jam on molasses toast
Downing water
Reading a book
Anything to not think about
Not take the next step
Because then it begins
The shower and the dressing
The shoes I never wear except in the public world
Drawing down my war personality
Pieces of me shutting off
Transition to a darker mien
Each step taking me from where I prefer
From safety
From the place where I grow
To the place where I am diminished
Because, in this world, what I am and what I do
Does not pay for food
For space to breathe
For shelter
Instead I subject myself to the whims of others
Without agency
Without choice except to live in poverty
It’s worse now
Before I was given responsibility
Before I was given trust
And before it was all taken away
Every day it gets worse
Every day I learn more
Maybe enough to leave
But
I’m just procrastinating
That first step to begin the day
To all of us in that same position
Declaiming, in lament, It is what it is
Remember
It is not
Will be
We still have choices
Even if we can’t yet see their horizons
What attention could I pay
Which would be welcome
Which would be kind
A strong drink
Drunk slow
Perhaps that will be our path
But I
Am too impatient
And quaff too deeply
Eyes going dark
Simple falter
Perhaps
And inner shouts say
Too much
It’s just a matter of time
Not this time
Not any time
Their choice
Makes the only difference
If only I could see
Or know
In the gloom of your smile
Finding shelter in its shade
Fading steps lead to dancing
While acting grave makes one merry
Behind masks of jade and saffron
Cold spices over warm lips
Shelter in my heart
Or be held by my arms
say yes
And though my face will seem impassive
You will know the secret truth of kindness
Of hot blood
Of defense and shelter
Step with me
I can wait
Pelgris 