The day begins in reluctance
In putting out of the mind all the things
All the things outside of control
And choose breakfast
My kind of breakfast
Crunchy peanut butter and Strawberry Jam on molasses toast
Downing water
Reading a book
Anything to not think about
Not take the next step
Because then it begins
The shower and the dressing
The shoes I never wear except in the public world
Drawing down my war personality
Pieces of me shutting off
Transition to a darker mien
Each step taking me from where I prefer
From safety
From the place where I grow
To the place where I am diminished
Because, in this world, what I am and what I do
Does not pay for food
For space to breathe
For shelter
Instead I subject myself to the whims of others
Without agency
Without choice except to live in poverty
It’s worse now
Before I was given responsibility
Before I was given trust
And before it was all taken away
Every day it gets worse
Every day I learn more
Maybe enough to leave
But
I’m just procrastinating
That first step to begin the day
To all of us in that same position
Declaiming, in lament, It is what it is
Remember
It is not
Will be
We still have choices
Even if we can’t yet see their horizons
morning
Slim to none
Walking down the dark hallway
The door of the bedroom the only light
I can feel the ozone and taste the wet
It’s rained outside and I missed it
Sitting awake in my bedroom at 4am
Binge watching TV on Netflix and playing games on my phone
Looking at Facebook messenger to see who might be up
Wondering if they just left the phone on
Or are they like me
Tired but not wanting to sleep
Because we lose so much time to sleep
Because lately we’re so tired
Depression in other words
I sleep instead of think
Because that first thought
Of no one wants me
That I’m so loved but also unwanted
Just leads to spiral and sleep is better
Than falling down that rabbit hole
It’s 4am and I wonder at what my life is
Every bit as lost as I ever was
Just now I know why and supposedly that’s better but
Doesn’t feel like it
I’m no icarus to fly so close to the sun
But then I have a penchant for falling
Maybe I’m just so used to the fall that I love the sharp stop
Or maybe I’ve never stopped falling and all of this
is a dream
Or a hell
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Birdsong cacophony
Soft cold seeping into bones
Dawn spills down the valley
Sitting in the shadow
Hearing about nesting material
About where seed was
And a truly epic amount of insults
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Waking beside
When the morning dawns
quiet breathing unlaboured
Your heat calms my heart
Pelgris 