One night only

When trying to sleep I try everything
I try going to sleep at the same time
Having a drink
Not having a drink
Exercise
I’ve tried taking a shower immediately before bed
Tried reading in my office chair for so long I’m actively losing time
Tried watching TV
Tried listening to music
Cover on/cover off

Everything I’ve tried all gives me, at most, one nights rest
I keep changing things because sometimes one change works
But the only thing that consistently works is knowing that when I wake up
The person I love is gonna be beside me
Not every time
But a good 70% of the time
Or even that when I wake, very soon I will see them
I guess it makes me feel safe
A thought that actually makes me cry
And I don’t know why
Just that safe isn’t something I feel very often
Emotionally safe and maybe a bit physically safe
I miss that
Sleeping is one of the prime factors for keeping my depression away
But I guess,
I’ll try something new
It can be my world premiere
Exclusive event

Softly, as I float

Feeling like we’re missing out
That time is just advancing
Each day blurring into the next
Eyes so tired they shake
Screaming no!
No this is not my life
Trying to escape
From what we can’t quite say
Just that relentless ticking away
Almost time for the new year
Almost whats next
Almost
The lie of each generation
That tomorrow is any different than
Today
Yesterday
Last week
Waiting for that paycheck
To pay one more bill
Buy one more thing
Maybe this time
It’ll bring something
Anything
Nothing
Just another spin
A chance to go broke
One foot in the street
Telling yourself
Tomorrow will be better
Tomorrows just fine
The long silence knows better
We’re not fine
But we’ll pretend
Until the smoke inhalation
Overwhelms us
In this trashfire
They’ve told us
Was the life we dreamed of
Keep striving
Against your own interests
Because tomorrow you might be the anointed
The rich
The powerful
False promises and another person
Another life
Seen through a window
Darkly

Well worn memories lose the truth

I get nostalgic for those heady days when I knew what the world was
When I knew what the next step would bring
And all tomorrow’s parties were laid out
Waiting on a platter
Just a few minutes from achieving greatness
When the actions I took were either momentous
Or without consequence
With nothing in between
Set to achieve all of my dreams
Before reality
Before the rot
Before the losses grew too great to paper over
I miss that feeling
That my tomorrows were certain
And all I wanted
Was up for the grasping

Information, New information, Panic, Obstinacy

All of science is new
Anything beyond observable fact is new
And even observable fact
Took generations
And blood
And war
And struggle to make it accepted
But we use these poorly understood ideas
To make our points
As if what we learned
When we were still learning
Hasn’t transformed
Hasn’t changed
Hasn’t been debunked
The entrenched voices from everywhere
Even within the scientific community
Would have you believe
What we know is what we know
Not what we believe
What we think
What maybe
Might be true
Is presented as bedrock
Like what we know isn’t crumbling daily beneath our feet
And only by accepting that what’s true today
Could be false tomorrow
Only by dancing on that razor edge
Do we have the opportunity
To change our hearts
As well as our minds
When true science is exposed to the public
Knowledge because politicized
Because in the publics mind
Once something is this way
Its always this way
Asking a panicked animal to turn away from the cliff
While telling them each time facts change
Just confuses people to whom science
Is a paper mache volcano
Science is a journey of understanding
That keeps accelerating
Now too fast
Each change
Each idea
Each revelation
Leads to that middle school science fair
Reevaluation
And in the end
That’s what kills us
That inability to accept that
Knowledge is something that must change
As what we perceive
Gives way to what is true
And what is true
Breaks down
And what’s real
Shifts again
We dance
A thousand deep
On the head of a bullet

See it in you

In the mind there is little but consternation
Looking for that connotation
Knowing that connection
Lays somewhere between correction and creation
Just a few more steps to compilation
Stepping out to combustion
Need that soft eyed capitulation
Pull me under the cavitation
Don’t give in to convention
Give me a taste of your confection
I’ll be your perfect corruption

Just past the horizon

The things you miss
Are never the things they say you will
Not missing family so much
As missing that feeling of belonging
Not missing the food
Or the people who just flew in
So much as the person who was always there
And now isn’t
Won’t ever be again
Just these slow fade memories
These memories trotted out
Which just makes them fade faster
Missing the chances to include my lover
To have her meet my Nana
That central figure who welded us together
Who without
we are now at loose ends
The lost opportunities
The never happen
The always almost

When the heart won’t let you sleep love

I’m that day to day love
That wake you up with a kiss and coffee love
That small things love
That singing songs made up on the spot love
That kiss the palm of your hand love
That working love
That note written in you pocket love
That gives you hope and goosebumps love
That long slow kisses love
That taking care of you fully aware you are strong enough to take care of yourself love
That willing to wait love
That soft gasp half heard over the phone love
That sleeping alone in his bed love
That hopeful broken love
That life spelled out in words love
That missing you love

Sleep’s ellusion

That first step
Getting into bed
So comfortable but
My mind draws me out instead
Won’t simply rest
Reminding me that sleep
Might as well be dead
But life has its moments
Those times when extreme comfort combine
With anxiety
Talking about having to go to work
To interact
And my brain
Instead of the sleep I know will help
Instead throws out these things like reading
Like playing games
Like taking apart my fan to clean the motor
All to keep the anxiety at bay
Worst coping mechanism
It causes me harm to follow its prescribed treatment
So why am I still awake
Instead of drifting
Can’t sleep when tomorrows just a few hours
I miss the days when I knew that by waking up and going to work I’d be with someone I loved
Not because I miss the relationship
But that balm of sleeping, in a rush to get to the next day
I miss that
Instead
I have tomorrow
Another day without succor
Another day without you