I sat down to write a poem
Finding its measure wanting
And its rhythm trite
I end up here once again
Pondering this lack of sight
I find my interest waining
Not in writing
So much as life
Never having planned to come this far
I find myself forced
Made to contemplate a future
One I was certain would never come
I have all of the pieces but not the puzzle
All of the dreams but not the hopes
And the world fades out
But nothing yet fades in
On the verge of destruction
Waiting for the groundswell
A last minute effort
To give that last push
I’m procrastinating. Procrastinating going to sleep because tomorrow I have to work. If I had the day off, I’d be sound asleep.
Because that’s the trade off. Sleep means less time for myself. Less reading, less me.
Unless I’m relaxed, in which case, it means dreams and other lives.
But I’m not relaxed. Tomorrow I work. I have it better than many. I work from home. My work is remote and its all mind, little physical. I have a good boss, a good team.
But my time, my life is not my own. And that’s hard.
Vacations don’t help. They merely serve as counterpoint to work days. Throwing into stark relief the difference between my own recognizance and work hours.
The truth is I’m burned out. Not by work necessarily, but by life. This endless grind just to exist. I want more than that.
But find myself tied down by responsibility and reality in equal measure.
I feel like screaming, STOP!!!
Hoping the world will just freeze. And for a time, I can just be. So I can heal.
But I don’t think it will ever happen. I’m too burnt out for hope.
If I weren’t so tired all the time I guess I’d be pissed. Instead I’m just disillusioned. I used to believe in the ideals of America which I grew up with. But I grew up. And started pulling away from those things I thought were truths. However, it took me a long time to see that what I perceived as real when I was younger is all that thirty percent of this country believes. And they are wrong. They see America as freedom loving and based in equality. But it was never that. It couldn’t be. It was founded on ideals and compromise. And its hard to tell where the ideals begin and the compromises begin.
But assuredly the demarcation line is right at slavery. And the treatment of people who weas a nation said were subhuman. We fought a war with ourselves over it. Maybe you’ve heard of it. And during Reconstruction we were doing it at least partially right. But we abandoned those ideas. We left all these people to rot in the hands of those who were guaranteed to keep them as an underclass. And in doing so, abandoned the ideas which we said we founded the nation on.
Then, in the 1960’s, America woke up again and passed some laws and has spent the last 60+ years patting itself on the back, lying to itself that it fixed everything, and eroding those protections those laws enacted.
And here we are, a middle aged white mans life later, facing the same problems because America has never faced its past. And any hint that that past was anything other than star spangled awesome gets people out as either vitriol spewing, right side of their mouth talking, authoritarian courting, all lives matter bigots; or hand wringing, can’t we get along being, left leaning in public(republican in private), gives to charity but only in public, hiding out, hoping this fades hypocrites. The far right is crazy and the middle left is spineless.
And its all voting for the lesser of two evils and I’m just tired. Is money so damned important that you’d sacrifice the lives of others for your success? Supporting candidates who line your pockets rather than ones who will safeguard the ideals that they scream about in public, laughing snidely at all they’ve duped.
Its a rigged game that I very much don’t want to play anymore. But I guess, I’ll keep on. Because what choice is there.
And still, fuck. Gotta let those lies pass me by. Gotta let it all pass. Because fuck it.
Down on my luck
Nub burned down to charcoal
Sleeping my life away
When I’m not pushing to stay awake for as long as possible
A punishment for a happiness
Why punish myself
What’d I do to deserve it
Pulling at the boundaries
Eating away at the edges
Where I’m more vulnerable
Internal battlefields less sown with defences
But keeping me in
Not it out
I’m trapped in here with it
Which of us the victor
When we’re both bleeding out