Author: Pelgris
Rant on consent and disrespect
I hate that men don’t defend women anymore. That when some asshole says something or does something, even right in front of them, they chuckle along or are, at best, silent. Silence is condonment, jackass.
Not around me. And this isn’t some “I’m a nice guy” rant. I can be a bastard. It’s just this. If you are my friend or my family or my lover, I will protect you. And if someone’s behavior speaks of nonconsent then, I’m a nightmare. It’s a line that those around me are not allowed to cross. By my direct intervention if necessary.
But lesser offenses too. For instance, I was talking to a friend of mine and this jackass who works for her makes the swirling finger, your crazy gesture in reference to my friend. He was smiling like he thought it was the best joke in the world.
I stopped talking to my friend, turned to him and said, “If you ever make that gesture to my friend again I will snap it off and feed it to you.”
His expression went from all smiles to cowering that quickly. Like I had kicked his dog. But he never did it again. She had told him to stop doing things like that and it never stuck. Because he didn’t respect her.
But he feared me, and rightly so.
Would I prefer that when a person is demeaned or insulted or predatory behavior occurs and they try to put a stop to it, that the behavior stops? Yes, absolutely.
But if it doesn’t, then say something. It’s not bro’s being bro’s. It’s not fucking acceptable. And it is in no way the victims fault that you are acting like a asshat.
So yeah, I’ll defend women or the vulnerable. I’ll back your play if you want to act instead. If you say you have it, then ok. But I’m still here.
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Lethe’s deliverance
Sleep is refuge
One borne of necessity
Dream takes me
But I’d much prefer
the warmth of you
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Photonic entropy
Last rays of light
Devoured by the ravenous
The night wakes
Some demons are worth the price
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Song of the Day
Not appropo of anything, just the song running through my head
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Maybe this is just me
I have in the past, said “I care deeply for you.” I said it meaning that I felt love. That I was in love. But I think it conveys the wrong message. I think it says that I feel something deep and strong and enduring, but I don’t know what it is and can’t put it into words.
And for me, it’s just not true.
For me, it’s cowardice. I said it because I was afraid of the answer. Afraid it was too soon, afraid of the potential rejection, afraid of what it meant if I said it.
For me, that phrase is a dodge. It is me hiding from the truth. And it’s painful and it leaves things unsaid that should be said. Should be known.
So now, the only time I will use it is as a part of this phrase: “I care deeply for you, you are amazing and lovely and I love you.”
Thought I’d share what I was thinking about.
Note: Not directed at anyone, it just got me thinking.
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What’s in a name
Victoria? I keep hearing that name in my dreams. Usually names don’t stick but Victoria does. And it’s always the same. She is always a lover. And always someone I love. She is demanding and a bit dominant but not my master. We meet clandestinely. She will come by, drop hints to when she will be available and I will go to her. We are passion itself. She is only available for small windows of time, but I know I am her island of normal in a chaotic life. This dream is always set inside another dreamscape. As if even there she is hiding. And each time I wake, my heart literally hurts. Like being ripped away from her by waking is so traumatic that I physically get hurt.
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Shade
This is the First 3rd of a song called Shade. Vocal only. I thought I’d throw it up and see if anyone had anything to say about it
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Out the other side
There is something either cleansing or fucking scary about coming out of a depression so deep that moving itself is a act of will. Afterwards, I feel almost normal which I never really feel for any length of time. And that’s scary. Because I remember this feeling. It’s the same as what I felt when my emotions were locked down. The pure sense of seeing out from a cell constructed of my mind. Safe but trapped.
The other side is I feel scoured clean. Like all pain has been cleared away. Though it hasn’t and the loss of that numbness makes way for the pain of being alone. There is someone, of course, but we haven’t spent much time together due to scheduling lately. And I need that contact to maintain equilibrium.
I can maintain when I am on my own, but if I get used to having someone to share spinning plate duty with, then they are unavailable, the spin starts to falter.
And, for me, nothing calms me, keeps me centered like touch. Just a hand on my back is enough. Though more is always welcome.
And, for reasons I won’t go into, for privacy reasons, we touch very little. Also a problem for me.
It doesn’t feed my depression, but it doesn’t help it.
So I guess this is less about depression and more about my needs not being completely met. Not that I didn’t know that they wouldn’t be, but that I, foolishly perhaps, thought that I was better equipped to weather the storm.
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Small breaks
Sleep with me in the dream
breathe break
Shattered reminisces
Wiped away
Sour laughter
Waits lurks
Pain beyond endurance
Step to the edge
Jump
The only regret
The last unstolen kiss
Pelgris 