I think about it daily
Several times a day
It causes pain in my throat
Tears in my eyes
I feel my heart aching
And I keep getting up
I keep going to work
I keep acting
Like I’m my normal self
If not normal itself
It’s not that I want to die
Or that oblivion is so alluring
I just don’t see the point of this anymore
And I tell myself, of course I won’t do it
It used to be that I thought, don’t set it in motion cause that’s when it will turn around.
Ever the cynic, even the end turns out wrong
But now it’s that I can’t hurt the people I love
Even if they don’t love me like I need them to
I think about it every day
But I don’t do it
I don’t know if that makes me strong
Or a fool
This is a beautiful world
I doubt it would be less so without me in it
Author: Pelgris
What falls follows
I would die a thousand deaths
If I could hold you in my arms
As I slipped away
I would live a thousand lives
If I could live them by your side
I would fight a thousand battles
If I could keep you from harm
I would watch your back a thousand thousand times
As you fought the battles I could not see
These thoughts as I lay awake dreaming
In this empty bed
In this too quiet room
Without you
Share this:
Reminders
Destructive dapple
Burned ash deep
Just a empty voice in the wilderness
Shouting my pain
Share this:
Outside the circle
Crown me in silver
Second place
Also known as last place
is where I rate
Contender thinking the impossible
Until slammed face first
Into reality
And still I try to scale
The unassailable
Because of the maybe
Because that one time
Is all it takes
Or so I whisper to myself
Share this:
The myth of the individual
I know people say you have to be enough on your own but I think that is western cultural bias. Specifically, USA culture. It says that you must stand on your own to be considered an adult. But the only people who truly do that are narcissists. And even they attempt to have people around, if only to fawn all over them.
We depend on each other and need human companionship. Even if the form that takes is casual comradery or the sharing of fandom. No one can be everything and attempting to do so frays our selves and our actual strengths go undeveloped as we attempt to swim up the tree.
Ultimately, I think, we attempt to stand on our own because we have been hurt by those we trusted. But who we trust is a product of standing on our own. Instead of looking for people who compliment who we are, we look for the similarities and homogeneous cultures and cliques do not thrive, instead infight and stagnate.
Perhaps it’s time to accept that we can’t stand alone and instead find our tribe. And treat it that way. As a group working together for the betterment of its members.
Share this:
Top 3 things I will fuck up in a relationship
1. I’ll call it a relationship way before anyone considers it to be a relationship.
Then I’ll have to explain that I see all social interactions that are ongoing as relationships and then I’ll seem like a overthinking weirdo.
2. I will fall in love fairly quickly. And people will say that you barely know me, and I’ll say that’s true but I trust my Intuition and it says that there is something here. Love expands to fill the available space. It is not a finite thing to me. I’m not saying one true love or perfection or anything. I’m saying that I like, respect, enjoy your thoughts and mind and I feel something in you that calls to me. Again, weirdo.
3. I will fail to initiate physical intimacy, including as little as kissing until you are thinking Finally. Because I will not act without consent and I am steadfast in my rules(which I suppose is number 4). I don’t do the when the moment is right. I depend on my partner/date to tell me, Yes Now. Of course, I’m a passionate man so that may later seem to be a mistake. As in, I’ll want to kiss and touch and hold and hug all of the time, plus more intimate things as we progress. And believe me, I have no regard for public space. So PDA is very much on the market.
There are a bunch more but those are the ones that span across my experience.
Share this:
The lies begin to make sense
I feel it coming, pouring like a wave I don’t know how to dodge. Tell me you need me, tell me you want me, tell me you love me. Ask for my help, for my guidance. Speak, else I fall.
Share this:
Unknowing, I strike the match
These cars stream past
Heading to somewhere
From somewhere
A story I’ll never know
Lives like bowing wheat
Stretched to distant sun
Each song reaches forth
In melody
In discordance
In minor chord
Music half heard on the wind
Share this:
Tick, tick, tick
I have nothing to give but everything that I am. Unfortunately, it never seems to be enough. Is it something I lack or was there something in you that could not be fulfilled. Or am I waiting for you to say, “I’m ready now.” And, fool that I am, I wait while you seek joy in the heart of another. Or I wait until circumstances are better. Or I wait until you realize what you need and it isn’t me. Or I wait while time drifts you away.
Take a step to me. Don’t say but or maybe. Don’t wait, times is passing, regret is for the things that you fail to face not for love. I know. It’s painful to hope. I know. I’ll try not to fail you.
Share this:
Loyalty or Honor?
Loyalty or Honor?
The answer must always be honor. For without Honor, loyalty is a beast let loose amongst sheep. Further, without honor loyalty lacks the spine of its convictions and will break. Honor must be adhered to else loyalty is meaningless.
Pelgris 