Nightmares are also dreams Part 10-Jen

The subject is nervous. She looks skittish out on her own. Having seen the material collected from her abuser, it’s obvious where that comes from. According to the psych profile, agoraphobia is not uncommon as her trauma continues to resurface.

She shouldn’t be nervous. Not logically. Presidents and dictators are less well protected than she is. The mall is seeded with plain clothes mercs, all with backgrounds of former police or MP’s. We have a lead car, a trail car and 3 different sets of cars running counter trailing techiques. If they are tailing the vehicle’s, it’ll be the last mistake they make.

When we exit and traverse to the mall entrance will be the first real opportunity to kill her. A sniper could do it, if they are good enough. Or if they are willing to go loud. Not a lot we can do against an RPG or a LAW. But barring that we have counter snipers positioned around the primary entrance as well as the backup.

She thinks of me like a big sister. Pel’s familiarity with me in front of her puts her at ease. That should eliminate any desire for her to buck my orders or try to slip away. I do so hate it when the primary tries to get clever. As if we care what mistress you have or what bribe you are handing out this week. Gods, I hate amateurs. But, in country, they pay the bills. Wish they would just read the damn contracts though. The penalty we hit them with for disobedience of their protective detail would make Midas blink.

In any case, Tara is as safe as we can make her. And Pel…sometimes the boss is so cold. He put it out on certain unsavory corners of the deep web that the witness would be out today. Hoping to catch some bottom feeders in his net. I’m glad he didn’t ask me to pull that duty, too. Splitting your attention is a good way to get the primary killed.

Nah, that job goes to Jacob and his KNR cowboys. Sometimes they rescue and sometimes they do the tracking back when it goes wrong.

“Lavender,” announces the mic. Breaking my train of thought. Looks like we are moving to the secondary. They already swept someone up at the primary.

Pel. Cold beautiful bastard.

Timing

I’ve been Bereft of words
Straddling fences like sitting on an elephant
Stretched thin by words
Skin taught and quivering
Near breaking

Words spill from me in other circumstance
But facing the page
Blank
Like a white room
Empty of anything but echos

What purpose words when
They are just verse on a page
Can’t be trusted for past transgressions
By people I’m not

Nothing to prove
I’m all out
But they say that too
And sit leering behind false faces
Monsters without honor

No way to prove I’m not them
So I wait
And talk
Knowing all the time
That trust has been broken by so many other people

I’m always too late
By hours
By months
By years

Too late

Synapse snap

Light shimmers to the beating of my heart
Falling so hard, falling so fast that the crash is like surfacing instead of stopping

Take harsh deep breathes
Feel every receptor, every nerve
Cold and on fire at the same time
Bathe in Quiescence
The semblance of normal

The flirtation that sparks the flame
Only this feeling, being connected, being needed, being loved
Only this feeling gets me moving, my blood pumping
Just to sit around and compose my words to the great expanse

This journey through a sky made full by storm
A heart made full by beating
The shimmers of blood pulsing through eyes

How I handle all relationships

I assess, observe. Always myself, always open, always honest. If I like what I see then I advance. Moving closer to them. Sharing more of myself. Seeking them out more. I only ever move closer. I never pull away. If a relationship breaks and burns it does so at the distance I am from it. I do not seek refuge. I burn as it burns. And broken from it, I do not retreat. I become more. Learn more, be more. And advance. I’ll have my doubts but will always move forward.