New music course through veins
Melodies unknown pulse like heartbeat
Falling in love with the unknown
Drink down instrumentals unfamiliar
Best feeling
Finding beauty
All unexpected
Month: April 2018
Hard to see through the fog(possible trigger)
Controls who you talk to
Controls where you go
Just wants you safe
Doesn’t trust those people
Monitors your messages
Monitors your social media
Just wants you safe
Doesn’t trust your judgment
Treats you with silence
Treats you with derision
Just wants you safe
You make bad decisions
Controls your movements
Controls your access
Just wants you safe
Doesn’t trust you
Monitors your conversations
Monitors your media consumption
Just wants you safe
Can’t have you reaching conclusions
Treats you like furniture
Treats you like a tool that furthers goals
Just wants you safe
Can’t have you knowing your worth
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Selling the fiction
Show this paradise
Blown out of proportion
This facile lie
Given shape in our minds
“I need a vacation”
Like that will help
Everything waiting on the way home
Find out the problems
The stressors
The energy vortexes
Pare them away
Until only you remain
Rather walk
Your hand in mine
Than take a thousand trips
Without you
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Fight or flight: why not do both?
Center of attention
Panic floats under
Carrier waves of information
Completely in control
One on one
Get into a group in the same context
Adrenaline rush
Then inevitable crash down to headache
Not every Sir is a extrovert
Often
We focus on you completely
Because to focus on us
Is too completely hard
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I give you my word
Too late to say all the things
Can’t get to you in this night hour
Can’t talk unless you check your messages
Just shouting into the ether
I can’t walk up and have a conversation
You are nineteen hours away
This talk over message
Like thin gruel
To spending time and letting it come naturally
Finding excuses to have a conversation
Finding cat videos so you can say how cute
Eyes full of hearts emoii
That used to be for me
And I pretend that you mean it for me
That I’ve given you the excuse to say how you feel
But there’s a world of difference between there and here
And I’m fading away
Lost in the silence of what we had
And the tinny reverb that we have now
Painful shadows of what was
Waiting for the dawn
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Bound and bound
Life is not what we want it to be
But shapes form from what we allow
It’s not our desires and hopes that tell
But actions taken or not taken
Promises kept or broken
We are bound by chains and shackles we forge ourselves
No Jacob Marley or Ebenezer Scrooge
But links of allowance
We allow things to happen
Because it’s easier
Because we are scared
Because it is inconvenient to do something
All the while telling ourselves that it’s not our fault
That there was nothing to be done
Maybe in the moment the choice was limited
But some road not taken
Some throw of the dice not thrown
Or chance leaped to
Some point led to this choice
Sometimes things are truly beyond our control
The gears of chance grinding away
But mostly we have choices to make
Maybe all the choices are bad but we make them
We advance or fall with the steps we choose
Personally, I choose to fall in love. I choose to act with honor. I choose to keep my word when I give it. I choose to act with an eye to the humanity in us all.
I choose to love when it’s probably a bad idea. I’ve chosen other paths and lives and now I choose this one. This painful existence waiting for my friend, my person. Because a future without her would be spent looking over my shoulder at what might have been. And maybe this is the wrong choice. So I try to make one’s that are generally good while I wait and hurt. But in the end, we all must choose for ourselves.
We can help others if they let us. We can live and love with consent. We can do wonderful beautiful things. But what we must not do is create another link, another shackle waiting for things to get better.
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Drifting cloud blots the sun
Sitting on a bench in the sun
Hard to forget half said promises
Spot a crow among pigeons
Wondering at its story
What lives unfold without us knowing
Lamenting that yours is one I’ll not share
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Living inside, you forget
Eyes
Pinpoint stabbing
Inside the eyeball
Outside after too many hours indoors
Feeling the world
The press of wind
Sounds of the city moving like grasshoppers and bees
Furious to eak out one more minute of leisure
Even the birds chirp quietly
Afternoon siesta
Blinking painful in the shade and cloud covered sky
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Blank stare into the too blue sky
Not a cry for help
Just crying
Overwhelming lonely
Paper airplanes
Filled with memes
One sided conversations
Trying to keep lines open
But bleeding out instead
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Losing value
Pull forth stones
Presented in facet
Bloody
Covered in bile and muck
Not all are rubies or jade
Just diamond
Just common brilliance
Made precious by forced scarcity
Simple
Transparent
Valueless
Made wonderful by lies
By marketing campaigns
Fire pressed
Jade and jasper
Forged by seconds ticking away in a roar
Until we can’t hear ourselves think
Until this is it
And a shaped piece of steel and nitre
Pelgris 