Month: March 2018

Wishing for a in life version of A Halt and Catch Fire command

Pelgris4 Comments

Do you ever force yourself to stay up? Not because you have anything to do but because you don’t want to give in? Like it’s a form of control. How long can I go until I collapse? How long until lack of sleep gives me a total emotional breakdown? I mean, it’s what I want anyway, right? Because, I can’t keep waking up from panic attacks. Because that’s the only time my subconscious is allowed to start screaming. Because when I’m awake the only way it gets out is through writing or tears I can’t control. Silent screams used to help but now the screams just go on and on until I’m panting from lack of breathing. And it’s not a good look, is it?

Lack of control in a Dominant is seen as weakness. Odd thing though, when I have a submissive. A real one not that sex only kink thing(if that’s your thing, whatever works for you, just I find it boring). When I have a submissive, I’m OK. Or maybe just the right person as submissive, cause the gods know, people are not interchangeable. Probably is the right person. Fuck. It IS entirely dependent on being the right person.
I don’t know where I’m going with this.

Just that I’m punishing my self by not sleeping. Because she’s there in my dreams and you’d think that I’d want to sleep to be with her but I stay away as long as possible. Because I just keep waking up. And I have to relearn what I knew before I collapsed.

That life is cruel. And nothing can change that.

Other plans

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I’m not looking for a different life
I’m looking for a life with you
I’m not running away
I’m running to

Yet here I am
this face
That slight smile
hiding the grimace
That rictis of pain
lurking just beneath the surface

Two interlaced
Pulled apart so slowly
Not a sound is made

Just a long drawn out scream slowed down
Sounds like wind
Howl of agony
Broken and warbling

Bled by hours
Glass falling from a high shelf
Seconds before impact
Just the panic
Before the pieces fly apart

Words left unsaid – a translated song

Pelgris6 Comments

I fell in love in summer
You fell out of love in fall
By winter we were over

And I lost it all

Love forgives my trespass
But not our pain filled words
Our harshest insults
We reserved

This fallen lifetime
Our fallen hurts

We were happy once?
I can’t remember
Just this painful passage
Just this time gone by

Life was for the living
Now its passed me by

Let who you are free into the light

Pelgris4 Comments

I hate keeping secrets. Even lies by omission hurt.

I spent a portion of my youth on secrets. On lies. It almost killed me. It came close. At the end, all I had was money, scars, and grey hair. The money is gone. The scars are mostly faded. The grey hair stayed. And a deep abiding pain that accompanies lies.

I spent years clawing out of various closets. Sexuality, society, BDSM. And at the end of it, I found peace.

But still people want me to hide. To be discreet. To say it’s no one’s business but ours.

But let me tell you. It may be no one’s business but ours, but it’s on them to turn their heads. Hiding is lying. Discretion is fine, but it should not stop a kiss or a hug or holding hands. If it does then that’s fear.

Just because I can hide or lie; Because I practiced for years, doesn’t mean I enjoy it. I loathe it.

I understand why hiding may be necessary. If life or liberty is on the line. But if not? It’s not worth the cost.

And sometimes, even life and liberty are not enough. We should be who we are. Shout it from the rooftops. And to those that would silence us, let them reap the consequences. Let them fear.

I said I didn’t like lying. I didn’t say I’d forgotten my past.

Slipping

Pelgris12 Comments

Alone
depressed and tired
and going to sleep
No words expressed into the silence

Drowning in shallow water
After swimming free
In the depths

Fading light

Because they love you

Pelgris2 Comments

Because they love you does not grant you the right to be a dick
You don’t get to lie about the things in your head that may come bursting out at inopportune times
You don’t get to foist your debts and obligations onto them

Because they love you is not a reason to take their presence for granted
You do not get to be silent while they howl for understanding
You do not get to be chit chat normal while their eyes beg for solutions

Because they love you is not a reason to take your pleasures without giving back theirs. (consent being given)
You do not get to eat their meals, prepped and prepared with loving hands, while you make them pay for your insecurities
You do not get to make love to them while holding back all the things they need to feel whole

Because they love you is no reason to take and take.
To threaten your own dissolution if they leave you
To threaten to leave when they are trying to make it work

Because they love you
They love you
And your repayment of that love is pain
And uncertainty

Just because they love you
It doesn’t give you the right

Starving in the land of plenty

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We act like our world is all one way
Blissful or burned by parallel reality
Same universe, same world

But really, how many lives can you see?
Which journeys will take you down roads that branch and branch until you see no way out?
Or end all too abruptly in a grave?
We want what we want and we want it now.
Blinded by our choice to only see those opinions that echo our own.
Unable to change minds because our own are so mired in our mirrors
Reflecting opinions back until anything outside is a foreign body to be attacked

Our opinions are so often lies of those tied to a news cycle
read an opinion and assimilate it rather than form your own
Learn someone else’s philosophy and wisdom, regurgitate
Look am I not wise
I said the same thing the parrots of my political flavor say

Things change but in cultural drifts
In ebbs and flows
Stutters and starts
In conflict
In choices each time we open our mouths
Open our doors

It’s in the quiet words we tell ourselves and in the reason why we shout
I’m here
I’m alive
I matter
Listen to me
Words fade in the cacophony

But be the rock unwavering
and be beaten to sand
A sacrifice
A choice
A stand

Life ends
In our silence
In our fear

Hope dies
Undiscovered in the discarded dross
Of our willful blindness

Take my eyes
I wish to see