Because they love you

Because they love you does not grant you the right to be a dick
You don’t get to lie about the things in your head that may come bursting out at inopportune times
You don’t get to foist your debts and obligations onto them

Because they love you is not a reason to take their presence for granted
You do not get to be silent while they howl for understanding
You do not get to be chit chat normal while their eyes beg for solutions

Because they love you is not a reason to take your pleasures without giving back theirs. (consent being given)
You do not get to eat their meals, prepped and prepared with loving hands, while you make them pay for your insecurities
You do not get to make love to them while holding back all the things they need to feel whole

Because they love you is no reason to take and take.
To threaten your own dissolution if they leave you
To threaten to leave when they are trying to make it work

Because they love you
They love you
And your repayment of that love is pain
And uncertainty

Just because they love you
It doesn’t give you the right

The mind ranges back

there is a poem I wrote more than a year ago.  Something that was for someone.  An unrequited love who was intimate and sharing and all the great stuff.  But only on her terms.  Only when she needed me. And only as a ‘friend’.  No this is not a ‘nice guy’ or a friend zone post. We were more than friends.  More intimate than friends.  But by calling us friends she got to minimize what we were and make it easier for her to treat me as disposable,  I think, anyway.  I never really understood the point of lying to yourself about important things. I wrote this and she was not interested in hearing it.  So it sat on a shelf. Really a text file on my phone until I thought of the perfect last line today.
It was all about how I loved her and wanted her in my life, how I saw specific things about her and about us and all that jazz. But really, i was just a toy to her. Or I don’t know what.  But it wasn’t healthy. It wasn’t good.

But I’m not sharing the poem.

Instead,  I’m just sharing the last line.  Because the last line says it all.


I love you
beyond your desire
to love me back

Working

I don’t know how to just be friends with you without caring way more than I should about your happiness and well-being. I would like to be your friend but I don’t see how it’s possible. Not without feeling torn apart all the time. I know you don’t want me. I can’t pretend that I don’t want you. I think that puts us at an impasse . You probably don’t want to hear any of this. I can’t keep quiet. It is not who I am. I feel a profound, constant connection to you. And little by little I fell in love with the woman you are becoming. I think you sometimes use me to make yourself feel better. You know how I feel and maybe it seems to do no harm, but it hurts me. Because, unless your feelings have changed, I know you are just playing with me. I can’t. I won’t play the game. There’s this thought in my head that if I can ride this out we’ll be amazing. But you started this game right when I was at my lowest. Right in the week prior to the Anniversary of Morgan’s death. And when I fell back, like a moth to a flame, when you knew you had me, you stopped talking to me. This game is over. I can’t play it. Not with someone who would use Morgan against me like that.

The long road- (new song)

I’m busy falling in love
You’re busy walking away
Its this painful silence
At the end of a pain full day

I’m busy falling in love
But you’re busy walking away
My lips are the fire
But I cannot kiss you to stay

My heart is lost and rotten
And always I’m forgotten
Some days you hold me closer
And always I’m the loser

You were my four leaf clover
Thought it was my lucky day
Now we are long dead, over
And I’m always walking away
Now I always walk away
You taught me to walk away

I’m busy falling in love
You’re busy walking away
Its this painful silence
At the end of a pain full day

I’m busy falling in love
But you’re busy walking away
My lips are the fire
But I cannot kiss you to stay