Do you ever force yourself to stay up? Not because you have anything to do but because you don’t want to give in? Like it’s a form of control. How long can I go until I collapse? How long until lack of sleep gives me a total emotional breakdown? I mean, it’s what I want anyway, right? Because, I can’t keep waking up from panic attacks. Because that’s the only time my subconscious is allowed to start screaming. Because when I’m awake the only way it gets out is through writing or tears I can’t control. Silent screams used to help but now the screams just go on and on until I’m panting from lack of breathing. And it’s not a good look, is it?

Lack of control in a Dominant is seen as weakness. Odd thing though, when I have a submissive. A real one not that sex only kink thing(if that’s your thing, whatever works for you, just I find it boring). When I have a submissive, I’m OK. Or maybe just the right person as submissive, cause the gods know, people are not interchangeable. Probably is the right person. Fuck. It IS entirely dependent on being the right person.
I don’t know where I’m going with this.

Just that I’m punishing my self by not sleeping. Because she’s there in my dreams and you’d think that I’d want to sleep to be with her but I stay away as long as possible. Because I just keep waking up. And I have to relearn what I knew before I collapsed.

That life is cruel. And nothing can change that.