I hate going slow. In a relationship, I should clarify. I know I should learn to deal with it and I’ve really gotten much better about it. And I should clarify again that I consider any interaction that involves deep conversation a relationship. In the sense of growing levels of interconnectivity as the interactions spiderweb and one becomes enmeshed. I like the enmeshing portion, it’s what tells me that we, whether it be a friend relationship or a romantic relationship that this might last. If I’m important enough to make the acquaintance of friends or family then the relationship seems more stable to me. And stability and clarity is important to me. Better to start exploring the possible from a stable framework. A friend told me that she expected that from me. That I would want to be certain in my speech and make sure that I am well understood because I am a Dominant. I suppose I never thought of that. Because when you swim in the sea, you don’t really think about the water. But she’s right. If we understand each other we can be comfortable. If we are comfortable, we can explore and be the best version of ourselves easier.
But still, I hate going slow. Even though I know it’s a more stable path. I’ve lost too many people to sudden things. Not just Morgan, but other people too. That makes me feel rushed. But I need to take a breathe and slow down. Very few people feel comfortable with fast, and if they do, many see fast as temporary.
Month: October 2017
A heart afire
I love you like the moon loves the sun. It is your presence that brings me light and makes me shine. Without you there is only darkness.
Share this:
Song of the Day
Look, this is a really long listen, but I love Sibelius
Share this:
Confusion is perfectly normal
I am a creature full of mourning for a relationship that is and was and could have been and may yet still be. If you find that confusing, all I can say is welcome to my life. This happens more often than not. Perhaps I am an addiction that is almost but not quite enough or maybe when I see a person I am connected to I have little regard for consequence and instead throw my heart to the crucible and dare them to join me.
It’s hard to see someone you love make a choice that takes them away. To a better place almost assuredly but still it’s hard to see them go and the heart crushes under the weight of too familiar pain.
So why do I do this time and again? Honestly, I know of no other way to be. I love. I fall in love. I see. I choose. I wait. I break. It is as if these are what I am and while I am many things beside, at the core, love is who I am.
Share this:
Rubbing the sleep from too tired eyes
The problem with hunger is that it never really goes away. We can suppress it or turn it to other things but that taste of the thing you desire is never fully satisfied. Only when satiated is it quiet. My inner Dominant sleeps. Unquiet. Distractions abound. Work, computer games, phone games, great conversations, writing, poetry, exercise. But it’s like feeding a ravenous wolf table scraps, only by shear will is it controlled, and that control is slipping. My wolf plays closer and closer to the surface and soon I will bite as soon as soothe or worse turn the beast inward. I need a person to bend for me, bow to me, call me Sir and mean it, and most importantly, stay. Life and the wheel turns. And the consequence to not being crippled by sadness is that I am awake and seeking and the wolf inside drowses lighter and lighter. If I were better at starting relationships I’d go to local munches but I hold back looking for…someone, something more than a connection by lifestyle. Instead, a connection for life and lifestyle. I could no more have one without the other. The wolf will awake. It will happen. Best to have a safe outlet when it does.
Share this:
Dating and real relationships
The trouble with dating is that it happens under this pressure cooker of “this is a romantic relationship”. It’s very where are we going. When do we kiss, was that a signal, etc etc. Outside of Morgan, my best relationships have been a outgrowth of shared experiences and time. Sharing ideas and thoughts and time. Which is not to say that I didn’t fall a bit in love quickly, I mean, this is me we’re talking about but time and ease and talking (in whatever medium) that’s what makes a relationship go. Morgan was lightning but even there we spent hours talking before we ended up in bed and we spent so much time talking about everything.
Communication and time, these are the keys. (I’m glossing over kindness, respect, joy, etc because to me those are a given, an of course. Maybe that’s not the same for everyone? I get the feeling it’s not, from my friends experiences)
Share this:
Crazy relationship schemes
The best solution I’ve found is to fall truly madly deeply in love and work it out from there. This is not to say that you won’t suffer for it, just that it is the best thing. Caution is a slow death. Better to leap and know than to take step by cautious step and be undone.
Share this:
Where does the truth lie
Between the me I know and the me people see
They see the second thought, the revised actions
After my first words filter up. Taking control, taking command, no assumption that they necessarily know.
But the second is what I say, what I do, filtered by my rules. There to protect all of you, not myself.
Maybe that I have and will not breach my rules is the good. Or is it something else? There are actions and thoughts that my rules don’t enter into. The immediate reaction to help those that I love, those that are mine, to defend them, to act in their best interests.
Share this:
Pointless musing on a midnight clear
So much seems to hinge on circumstance. The turn of a phrase or an action. A misplaced step or a perfectly balanced step. More and more I see the limits of what may be possible as the disadvantage of not being impulsive or not being secure enough financially to take an action or not have enough faith in my abilities to land on my feet. Because, if I did, I would have flown to her when she got hurt. It might not have made a difference but we would know.
Or I would have moved to Texas where, it seems, there is a nexus of my tribe. And that could be a miracle or a folly. But I can’t know at this distance.
Or maybe that’s all delusion and I’m just wonderful words on a screen and in person it would be disaster. But I don’t know, because I can’t think to take any kind of step to bring me to them. Is it prudence or cowardice? Am I so bound in secondary rules that I can’t even go without a strong reason or a invitation?
Or are they just dreams that on seeing we’d all wake up from. I wish I could tell you.
Share this:
Testing the waters
Consumed by a internal landscape of how to get from one to the other. What is the light, what is my light. I understand the darkness I get that. What does my light look like. Do I need to find it or merely embrace it? That image of the sunny smiley person isn’t me. When I smile, I smoulder or bounce in irreverent joy. But even in joy, I am serious. I may look stern or angry but that’s just surface. Below is either turmoil or placid or passion. I have to choose. Acting as I see neccesary is nature to me. I can’t suppress my desires, my ebbulance. But I’m quiet. And I am certain about things and that is taken for smug or arrogant. I know things. I see things. There is a mystical side to me. And in that area I have definite ideas. It’s in my relationships that I am uncertain. Even my friendships. Not because I don’t know who I am. But because I do. And I know that I can be a bit like a ocean. Deep and easy to drown in. I can be a storm swift and dangerous. I can be fog, unknown and unknowable. I don’t know.
Pelgris 