I always have at least three reasons for taking an action. Why I desire it, the emotional reason. Why I want to, the short term reason. And what will it gain me,the long term reason. For example, why do I write? The emotional reason: In the beginning it was because I felt lighter, more free when I posted. Now it is out of an intense desire for connection. To be seen as I am. The short term reason: I enjoy it. And I’m a bit addicted to it. Long term reason: I hope something I write will evoke an emotional response in another. That it will be carried out into the world and make the world different and hopefully better.
So, three reasons. Always at least three.
Month: March 2016
A thing that I say.1
No, I may not be into this thing you love but I’m into you. Show me your world. Show me the beauty of the things you love. Seeing them through your eyes, I will come to appreciate them at the least because you enjoy them. Because I enjoy when you are happy. At best I will love them as you do and we can share the experience. But don’t cut me out because you fear what I say. I don’t judge strangers. Why would I judge someone I actually like.
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The pitying look
How would you respond if I took you in my arms and held you close? If I softly kissed your lips? It’s the question I ask each time I see you. It’s the question I’m too cowardly to ask. Fearing not that you’d say no, but that you would look at me with pity and say yes. Because even that yes I would take, and enslave my heart to you forever for the slight chance of that act.
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never stop
How am I to find you?
waive your arms, show me you are here
I look for you still
make yourself known to me
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the dreaming
those of us that dream, that dare, find ourselves in this perpetual cycle of fall and solid ground; sometimes we find someone who shares our reality and our world solidifies like a point of reality formatting the dreamworld in it’s essence out to the limits of the love they share; but for some of us we lose these loves and fall again and again bound only to the essence of the twisted void, it is the curse of the dreamwalker to fall forever bound only by what will they can muster and the hope that one day they will find someone for whom reality is as the dream.
Beauty in it’s infinite capacity. Realized each night in its searching, but on waking realize it’s lack. In the dream, we are able to see, to know. In the waking world we can only search for our counterpart and hope that they recognize us. That they are as awakened as we are.
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Emotional shotgun
I’m wide awake, killing time between one ill-conceived action and another. Don’t text, don’t email. Just the interminable waiting to hear back. Waking from intense dreams of my dream lover and our inability to see each other. Not enough time and we’re ripped away. Consciousness beats heartbeat on my eyes and I sit here writing. Don’t email again, it seems needy. But you just want to talk to someone and everyone you know is asleep. So you sit here writing and talking to yourself, anything to not make that smothering mistake. People see the insecurities and think that’s no kind of master I know about but I’m not a master at all times, I’m a switch and not a sociopath so I feel. It doesn’t mean I can’t be the top you need but I have never limited myself to being one thing and I won’t be doing that now. How much truth is enough truth and stepping over the line in a game of emotional chicken don’t play with me. I use your actions as the gauge for my own because unless it’s extreme to me, so very little these days, I will match you step for step until we are both plummeting off the cliff. But I’ve done this before and know how to land, so stop the Game it’s not worth it. Ask for what you want, be clear, and stop with the games. Or play games but know I only play in earnest. And still I write to not say the too much that lurks inside my head, hoping something to be said is what you’ll need to hear. But it’s a game of liar’s dice and you’re playing against yourself. Better to not play but there’s no one to talk to in my midnight’s rambling and I can’t quite the thought that the next thing I say will tip the balance. I should have my life together now, right? But I’m just starting to and who wants in on the beginning, but those are the stories I love the ones that tell you how they become as they do. This all too human figure become accessible, lovable as the icon was not. And I want to talk about archetypes and their place in our subconscious and I want to lose myself, my time in intense conversation about Black Books or who your Doctor is. But I’m just sitting here alone wondering if my kink and its frank display is what keeps you away or is it that I’m just restarting my life after the wreckage of my past. It’s the people who are there at the beginning that are held closest because they are through the wars with you. But I can’t know and I can’t ask because what if your day just sucked and you don’t want to strike up a conversation with this weird new person but maybe later but not if they push and I’m the weirdo overthinking and it just won’t shut off. I’m going to end up watching the sexy and damaged Patrick Jane on the Mentalist and go to work tired and ill prepared. And it’s inevitable, and should just give in. But I’m still writing, and though I’m winding down, I can still say something stupid. I feel like one of the plates I’m spinning is going to fall and I have a preference but if one falls might they all. And they are not plates, they are people and I can only be me and it’s out of my hands except to keep being and hope it’s enough.
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Gaze
I feel your breathe on my skin
This faded azure sky
Bleeding out to black
The moon, the stars, and you
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BDSM vs Abuse
Note: This is a from BDSM Connection~only BETTER: The Sanctuary
So, how is BDSM not abuse? How are near drowning scenarios not abuse? How is whipping a sub not abuse? How are any number of the things we may encounter or participate in within bdsm not abuse?
The answer is simple, really. In bdsm an entire scene, every element of play — ALL ACTIVITY — can be stopped with a simple word (or sign, if there are gags or other things that impede speech). The submissive OR the dominant can “safe word out” of whatever is in process. This is without exception in every safe, sane, consensual dynamic.
Keep in mind that bdsm consists of a complex group of behaviors between consenting adults. The use of “consensual” here means that while there is always an exchange of power and almost always the giving and receiving of intense erotic sensation and/or mental discipline, the participants both have equal power to end/cease/pause any and all activity.
In this regard, the submissive is actually considered the participant with the most power. Yeah, I know. You were convinced the dominants have all the power. We don’t. And we shouldn’t. And that is because BDSM includes intimate activities within the scope of informed consent that is freely given. The “freely given” part should not be overlooked. This differs from abuse. As abuse might include physical, sexual, and/or emotional acts inflicted on a person without their informed and freely given consent.
Believe it or not, “BDSM” is moderated by a governing set of principles. This is “old school” stuff that has been around in terms of use since forever in the lifestyle. It was put into draft form with agreed upon updating in the late 1990’s by the organizers and attendees at an LLC and it’s MUST KNOW material for anyone who is serious about the lifestyle. They are as follows (pulled from a widely circulating copy put out by LLC (Leather Leadership Conference):
Principles
The BDSM-Leather-Fetish communities recognize the phrase “Safe, Sane, Consensual” as the best brief summary of principles guiding BDSM practices:
Safe is being knowledgeable about the techniques and safety concerns involved in what you are doing, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.
Sane is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.
Consensual is respecting the limits imposed by each participant at all times. One of the recognized ways to maintain limits is through a “safeword” which ensures that each participant can end his/her participation with a word or gesture.
Guidelines:
Informed consent must be judged by balancing the following criteria for each encounter at the time the acts occurred:
*Was informed consent expressly denied or withdrawn?
*Were there factors that negated the informed consent?
*What is the relationship of the participants?
*What was the nature of the activity?
What was the intent of the accused abuser?
Whether an individual’s role is top/dominant or bottom/submissive, they could be suffering abuse if they answer no to any of the following questions:
1.) Are your needs and limits respected?
Is your relationship built on honesty, trust, and respect?
2.)Are you able to express feelings of guilt or jealousy or unhappiness?
3.) Can you function in everyday life?
4.) Can you refuse to do illegal activities?
5.) Can you insist on safe sex practices?
6.) Can you choose to interact freely with others outside of your relationship?
7.) Can you leave the situation without fearing that you will be harmed, or fearing the other participant(s) will harm themselves?
8.) Can you choose to exercise self-determination with money, employment, and life decisions?
9.) Do you feel free to discuss your practices and feelings with anyone you choose?
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Twirl
Lay your burden down and dance with me
Grasp my hand and press close
Whisper to me of desires unsaid, as we sway and step
Disregard those around us
they are of no consequence
Only you and I exist
Dream of me
of my touch, my voice, my words
Share this world with me
or find new world’s in our kiss
in our eyes
Cry or scream, laugh or squee,
this minute, this moment made manifest
and you, and you.
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Misinterpretation
My writing is all about emotion. This can lead to the interpretation that I am in a bad place or am other than I am. I usually just let it go and let people make whatever decision they want about my writing but sometimes it should be said that In the moment my emotions are high and often what I write reflects that.
Pelgris 