The full weight of ponder
A kiss turned to wonder
Hope turns to dreaming
Shake me awake
Dreams come to nothing
Or pull me forward
Hold in arms
I’ve forgotten
The heat
The feel of head on shoulder
Hearts beating faster
Hopes can’t be denied
poetry
Three by three
I’m struggling to find the way forward
Maybe finding myself in the same place
You look for and find but mainly
Nothing has changed
Just a bit older
A few thousand more words marking passage
A bit less happy
When you are defined by grief, letting that grief go is the hardest thing to do.
You find yourself untethered but without an anchor, what are you?
I know what I am. Perhaps that’s the worst thing. To know what you are and still see no path forward. Just stuck in this shallow waiting for a glimmer of some hope
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Just need some distance
Perhaps I prefer a layer of abstraction to my words because they feel like pins breaking through the veins
poking out at odd angles
painful but embarrassing
painful but then you’ll notice me and hiding is easier when it’s a storm and not me that’s crying
perhaps it’s easier because these words are only sometimes mine and other times are the unbroken scream that lives in my chest and stops just short of my throat because men don’t break down and cry
because everything has to be in control or she might not love me
because sleep eludes me and screams at 3am will bring sirens and questions
Perhaps I just need to be distant because weaing the razorblade straight jacket no longer fits
but its thin slices fit so easily into my scars
who would know the difference
perhaps I’m just tried and tired of being vulnerable and need that distance to lie to myself a little bit longer
a lie I’m not allowed to speak to others so I tell them to myself.
“I am loved” I say when I mean I want to die.
I am loved, when I mean why doesn’t she see me
I am loved when I mean Why can’t I just say what I mean?
Love is my lie, it keeps me going, keeps me moving
Hiding in the cracks of my own abstraction
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Waking up in purgatory
A ten by ten room
made of blood and bone
sinew taut and running rone
languid thought and slashing blade
hurricane disaster
a grip on the horizon
and the last drop of whisky
hard to loose oblivion
drunk on pleasure and serotonin withdrawal
awaking nightmare
found without rudder
without sail
adrift
welcoming the last storm
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Careworn teddy bear
A chorus of notes
discordant
minor
slink down the burnt spine
collapsing each into each
screams
the burnt coffee
and stale cigarettes of simple dreams
forgotten in the casual haze
each choice bleeds to another
discarded
in the cold minutes
before sleep
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Trace of limits
To ascend as if a bird
foundering foundation falls away
only scant skin separates faith from fall
Drought as diamond
base desire wars with ascent
Solitude in flight
destination unknown
nazca lines embroider
faint markings
of a dwindling civilization
A filter on the self
Dwindling down to these few grains
Lost in the pleasure of being
Hold in arms grown weary
One last choice
Last chance
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On the verge
The heart catches
The stutter of a skipping beat
The memory blossoms
Reaping last vestiges
Hopes forgiven
Jealousies forgotten
As the light fades
As the quiet deepens
Last breathe
Before dawn
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To linger too long
We all see it looming
The Herald of dawn’s breathe turning
The task undone
The words not spoke
Counterpoint, spoke too much
Our regrets pile on pile
Against Dwindling hopes
Until hope is lost
And only the dull rust of the blade
Thrust haphazard into flesh remains
As well to walk into the sun
Rise or Set
Head high
Choices made
Last turn of the wheel
Made by one’s own hand
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Take a chance
Rather have the burning wreckage of what was
and failed than the hopeful possible
of what may be
Than the dream of you
Than to hold you in my arms
In sleep, in distance, and know the answer is never
Better to hold my heart inviolate
Than to fall forever
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What is most important in this world
Love is
Love is motivation and brightness and light
It is the moon in dark skys
It is the soft enveloping night
To love is to support, to lift up, to create, to desire, to burn. Love is the creation of dreams. It is the constant core. It is the relationship that renews and recreates itself. Respect and joy twine in the heart of love. Compassion and communication, commitment to the goal of each other and the path of acceptance. Flexibility in the face of change.
Love is the core of the world.
Power and lust. Greed and Anger. Lies and fear. These build nothing that last. Nothing that is worth the price of living.
Love is the storm in winter. It is the song that wakes you up. The dream that you hold in your arms. It is everything.
Pelgris 