Flares burn as brightly as fireworks

There comes a point where you realize that the person you want most in your life, won’t be. Much as you may click and even keep in touch, that extra few steps from maybe to yes are just never going to happen. For me that means that I accept what is. If we are friends then I’m all in on the friendship. If we are acquaintances then I imagine we will fade until we are just memories to each other and the occasional birthday wish on social media.

It’s tough realizing the person who was your person will never be the one you hold safe in your arms. Times passing and it seems like you have forever until you wake up and see what behind is more than what’s ahead. Maybe then, you settle. I can’t know. I instead wait. And dream. And write.

I’ll stop hoping but never stop planning. Stop dreaming but never stop the dream. When you glimpse each others hearts, it already too late to back out. Even if you will never be.

Three by three

I’m struggling to find the way forward
Maybe finding myself in the same place
You look for and find but mainly
Nothing has changed
Just a bit older
A few thousand more words marking passage
A bit less happy
When you are defined by grief, letting that grief go is the hardest thing to do.
You find yourself untethered but without an anchor, what are you?
I know what I am. Perhaps that’s the worst thing. To know what you are and still see no path forward. Just stuck in this shallow waiting for a glimmer of some hope

Give and take

There is nothing I can give you
And nothing I can take
A shadow long and burning
A moment ere I wake

But I am lost to dreaming
I am lost, it’s true
The dream is of my making
Of building more to you

I am softly waking
A moment I’m confused
Your warmth has long fled
This heart we built for two

On waking I am empty
A space too big to fill

Your heart is slightly broken
But I have seen much worse
I will patch you up
Be a Latticework

You will heal
And when you leave
I will be undone
but a little fuller too

I will hold the hope that wounded birds
Made whole and now to fly
Will remember that broken man
And visit time to time

And secret kept in heart of hearts
That one will wish to stay
The foolish hope that brings,
And holds the reckless
tears at bay

Freedom is hard won

About 2 months ago I made a realization that a burden I was carrying from the death Of my Morgan, was not mine to carry.  That realization has set me free. The endless cycle of depression has been broken. I still feel sad sometimes but that’s normal. I did everything I could for Morgan. Her death is not my fault. So I am complete. Whole for the first time in years. Able to be the person I was back then, but more. Having learned introspection, learned compassion and many other things.  I stand ready at the dawn of a new day.

Afternoon nap clarity

There comes a point where all of these hurt feelings and these bitter dreams must be discarded. Where they become a drag rather than fuel for the fire. Scrub you from my safe places, no longer harbor feelings of the possible. I traveled my alternate lives and you weren’t in them. I thought that meant we were possible in this one. Turns out it’s because we are not right for each other in hundreds of realities. I should just take the win. If not having you(you having me) can be considered winning. It would be easier if there was someone else I was interested in. Someone not already with someone I mean. For the first time in two years there is no one else and that is throwing me. I think I’ve plumbed the depths of Okcupid, at least locally. All of my 80 percent and higher matches anyway. Fuck, table it for now. Coast out of February and see what happens.