The weight of without
Breaks me with doubt
Forgotten inside
A light starts to die
Fading away
In remembrance
Body shifts and I shake
Hands start to quake
Oh, but the blade
Knows the truest is made
Quenched in the fires
Of yearning
This quiet alone
Knowing only roan
All I have loved
Stands the frozen dove
Caught between
With and without
Let power shape us
wake us
break us
Let our hearts sing
scream
weep
Life meanders
wanders
weaves
Wake with me
sing with me
walk with me
*note: Power in the original language in this context has hints of divine and sanctity
I was caffeine free and sleep deprived
Thinking please let me out of this day alive
Driving in and out of consciousness
Figuring, doesn’t matter life’s pretty much worthless
Been driving these dreams for eternity
The last thing you want is all of me
Giving over
you say you can handle me
Thinking his darkness will wash it away
Finding bright thoughts that don’t fade with the day
A different man when he’s happy.
But I lurk beneath the surface
Like a trapdoor alligator
Waiting to catch him alone
He wanders cut off from the person who became as sunshine
Fending against demons in the dark
Sleep is a gift given to him by joy
Relearning how to sleep when it stops being easy
Leaves me in this state
Hoping that I’ll live long enough to be together
Hoping that I’ll die before I wake
Dreams grander than the life I’m living
Memories and glimpses
Waking to the loss
Alone
And the attempt to not sleep again
Not for lack of dreams
But for the transition
Surfacing
Into the quiet
Of my own breathing
Facing a day of alone
Fully aware
Without the haze
Of caffeine free and sleep deprived
I wonder if it hurts like I hurt
If this ache to speak
To be heard
builds and builds
Until the silence is broken and
All the words of inane small talk
All that’s allowed streams out
A trickle of steam and ash
Choked volcano
I wonder if this empty pain is one I’ll get used to
Or will I break
Waiting
This is the poem I wrote while completely in despair before I passed out from emotional pain that feels like a heart attack, but just a little one. A poem that I couldn’t go to sleep without writing even though I was exhausted, having had four hours of sleep each night for four nights.
Sitting in this storm full of razor blades
Cut to pieces in the eye
Saw you through the wind
Thought take a chance
Else you die
Never make it past the barriers
Just this blood
This pain
These tears
Waiting for the long road
To end
And these are the thoughts after I wake, having gotten four hours of sleep and not being able to get back to sleep, because my heart hurts like a constant low level heart attack and I widen my eyes and hold my breath to keep writing and my vision blurs from unshed tears. And I blink but things just get more blurry. And I have to take a breath. And it feels like everything stops.
But
It doesn’t.
And I think
“It’s halfway through the week, can I make it through another one?”
It’s been two weeks and I’m still not sleeping and tears are so close to the surface and I feel so lost and lonely. And I want all the things we might be or have been but I miss my friend too. And life is just stupid and hard.
I miss you in the long empty place
Between one breath and the next
Between one heartbeat
And the long hopeless till the next
When I wake
And your words are silent
When I sleep
Alone in my empty bed
Driving down freeways wondering if your up
If you’d like to say high
But can’t
My limbs ache for want of holding you
My words drip from blurry eyes
Out into the spaces between
Hoping they reach you
Hoping they bring you back
Heart beats waiting
Heat lights the silence
Soft clouds drift in too blue sky
Rush of bodies bellow
Push
Melting into skin
Sun beats down
Carving sound
In this pocket
Just the silence
Deep within
The tears
Cries of need
Looking towards the east
Looking towards a future
One yet unrealized
One which may never be
Silence
Heat
And the soft thump
Of a heart no where close
To giving up
But still
Salt
Tears
And pain wracked sobs
The pain a deep abiding presence
Alleviated only in the brief
Too brief
Moments
Of you
Feel like skin and bones
Slowly ablating away
Disintegrating
Losing coherence
Once solid
Burned ash
Disappearing slowly
In the desert wind
We are lights burning out into the brightness
The dark isn’t as scary
Cause I see the other lights
And I know that we’re shining out
Yearning for that brilliant nova connection
Two stars rotating in orbit until
Too close they burst
New light
Burning
Together
We say that love lasts forever
But that’s not true
It lasts as long as we feed it
As long as the environment we grow it in can sustain it
At best that’s forever, until it breaks our hearts when they die
At worst its when it shatters and we need to run to cover to avoid being caught in the shrapnel
But most it dies slowly, in between. Lack of feeding.
Until all we are left is the hollow echo of the edifice
Filled with fuckups and missed chances
Filled with the haunting laughter and the heart ripping memories of promises made
Love breaks us all
But like fools
The best kind of hopeful beautiful fools
We keep trying
Hoping
Breaking
Pelgris 