Circular torture

I was caffeine free and sleep deprived
Thinking please let me out of this day alive
Driving in and out of consciousness
Figuring, doesn’t matter life’s pretty much worthless
Been driving these dreams for eternity
The last thing you want is all of me
Giving over
you say you can handle me
Thinking his darkness will wash it away
Finding bright thoughts that don’t fade with the day
A different man when he’s happy.

But I lurk beneath the surface
Like a trapdoor alligator
Waiting to catch him alone

He wanders cut off from the person who became as sunshine
Fending against demons in the dark
Sleep is a gift given to him by joy
Relearning how to sleep when it stops being easy

Leaves me in this state
Hoping that I’ll live long enough to be together
Hoping that I’ll die before I wake
Dreams grander than the life I’m living
Memories and glimpses

Waking to the loss
And the attempt to not sleep again
Not for lack of dreams
But for the transition
Into the quiet
Of my own breathing
Facing a day of alone
Fully aware
Without the haze

Of caffeine free and sleep deprived