This is the poem I wrote while completely in despair before I passed out from emotional pain that feels like a heart attack, but just a little one. A poem that I couldn’t go to sleep without writing even though I was exhausted, having had four hours of sleep each night for four nights.

Sitting in this storm full of razor blades
Cut to pieces in the eye
Saw you through the wind
Thought take a chance
Else you die

Never make it past the barriers
Just this blood
This pain
These tears

Waiting for the long road
To end

And these are the thoughts after I wake, having gotten four hours of sleep and not being able to get back to sleep, because my heart hurts like a constant low level heart attack and I widen my eyes and hold my breath to keep writing and my vision blurs from unshed tears. And I blink but things just get more blurry. And I have to take a breath. And it feels like everything stops.

But
It doesn’t.
And I think
“It’s halfway through the week, can I make it through another one?”
It’s been two weeks and I’m still not sleeping and tears are so close to the surface and I feel so lost and lonely. And I want all the things we might be or have been but I miss my friend too. And life is just stupid and hard.