Past revisitation

The heart is a funny thing. You can twist it, break it, give it away. You can make it light or it can sink. It can race or slow down so much that you can literally feel the seconds drip by and still…

It’s its capacity for pain which captivates. Because the pains of the heart are myriad.

But they all boil down to loss. Loss of self, loss of control, loss of hope, loss of love, loss of permanence.

I would like to say that it’s only pain, but it is medically possible to die from the emotional pain of a broken heart. That’s how connected we are. That the loss of love can break us. Kill us. And when it hurts that badly, you hope for that. Desire it. Because then it stops. And that’s all you can see.

I know that feeling. I know it bone deep. I fear it but it’s a road I’ve mapped, so it is intimate and familiar.

I’ve been rereading my older work and it paints in vivid hearts blood. A man trapped by pain.

I hope to not go back there. But some things are beyond control. And I, unfortunately, am emotionally mature enough to know that. Having your eyes wide open, remembering it all….

Believe me. It’s a curse

One thought on “Past revisitation

  1. TheFeatheredSleep April 19, 2021 / 2:17 pm

    I love this post. I feel I could have written this post. the only difference in mine would have been that I know I will return to it, again and again. Not because I’m being negative, but like you, I know myself. For some of us, right or wrong, we live in this place and return again and again. I would not wish it upon others, but I am drawn to those who are there, because I feel less alone with them.

    Liked by 2 people

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