Thoughts

Silly heart: revisited

Pelgris3 Comments

The reality is I’m starting to fall for you. I get butterflies when I see that you liked something and when you comment it makes me feel, about what I posted, validated. It’s not a game. It’s what I feel and I don’t want to play games with you regarding my feelings. What I am is afraid. Not just afraid that if I say something, it will be revealed that I’m reading far too much into things. But also that I may lose someone who genuinely likes my work, because I’ve made you feel uncomfortable.

You asking if it was a game was like a kick to the stomach. It’s not a game. I would never knowingly play with someone’s emotions like that. It’s a action dictated by fear. I only didn’t realize that until something was said. Now that I know I must face it. As I feel I have by publishing a response. Tell me whatever you wish. I wait.

Silly heart

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I feel foolish whenever I start to fall for someone I don’t really know. We’ll have some points of commonality. We’ll like the same things or find it easy to talk to each other. We’re not dating or doing anything overtly romantic but I start to fall anyway. I know its happening and I don’t want it to stop. Even though I, intellectually, know it will end badly. With me heartbroken and them at least confused.

It’s feels good. And as long as they don’t know of my explicit interest, I can go easy. I don’t need the constant communication I desire in a relationship because they don’t know. They can’t be expected to do something if they don’t know it’s happening.

I anticipate speaking with them. If you’ve ever seen Simon’s Cat roll around in catnip, its like that. Them talking or just commenting is like a release, a total releasing of tension.

And secretly, in my heart of hearts, I hope they are falling too. That, maybe they will break the tension first. And we can begin in earnest.

I often desire what I cannot have. It is a real problem. Perhaps this is another manifestation of that, but would I change it so that I don’t fall so easily? I don’t think so.

3 is a thinking time

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I always want one step more than people are willing to give.
One word, one touch past their limit.
Always striving to find the person willing to match me step by step. It is my fondest wish. My hearts desire. And probably asking entirely too much. Or perhaps just too much information into a public space. But if you don’t roll the dice, you’ll never hit eight the hard way.

3 AM thoughts

Pelgris20 Comments

I wonder what it is like to receive my romantic attention. Is it smothering to be thought of in focus? By which I mean as a primary thought, like writing or learning. To know that I think about them when I wake up, when I sleep, and just during the day. To read my poetry that they inspire, to receive compliments and pet names, to hear the thousands of thoughts that slam into my brain.

To deal with the way my brain works, confident but always willing to read a situation as negative. Needing to be reassured of your interest until I’m completely confident in it. Needing to hear back as soon as possible. Needing to know why you aren’t available or will be gone for whatever ongoing conversation we are having.

Dealing with my rules. Dealing with my sexual appetite. With my stories about what I desire to do with and to you, then your realization that they weren’t so much stories as points of intention.

Maybe it’s all too much and the relationship just dies under the weight of communication. I try to restrain my heart, but I often fail. I try to be easy and chill but it’s not my nature. Serious and intense is my nature, though I can be silly if I feel safe. I don’t know. I guess that’s why this is bothering me at three in the morning.

Prime example

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Every year I attend a gaming convention.  That’s video games, board games, card games.  It’s generally around Labor day and it’s in Seattle.  I’ve become less interested in the games themselves and more interested in the city as character. Also, there are panels and talks about the games and games industry juxtaposed with psychology or sociology.  I enjoy that and I really love the community as a whole.  But the point of this is I have, to me, a odd goal.  I want to have a lover go with me to this convention.  To be with me in Seattle, and see me when I am least inhibited.  It’s an odd desire and odd goal, I think.  But I also think that the trip is very important to me and I want to be in a relationship strong enough to share this thing I love with them. 

Driving desires

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Driving home and all I can think is I wish I had a sub to meet me at the door. Waiting in first position so we can start the weekend right.

Belief is not a prereq

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So, 5 days ago I had been dreaming about someone and I dreamed about them for three days. Dream walks don’t normally last that long and are generally not sequential. Dreams I have that are only dreams have an intangible cotton candy in the rain feel. This felt real. She disappeared halfway through night 4 and I’ve was unable to find her at all last night. It’s like looking through sand for a particular grain where before it’s like we were lodestones. There are aspects of my life that are insane from a strictly modern perspective. Eg Magic, spirit worlds, dreamwalking, soul constructs, wards, etc. And I realize I must seem nuts or at best odd, but I miss this person who I only knew in my dreams.

Better to be lucky?

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I feel like I have been terribly lucky, even though I don’t believe in luck, with my past partners. Though I also know I am ignoring disappointing relationships when I say that. My Morgan was an accomplished Submissive and the older woman as well, by three years. She effectively fostered my training in being a Master. I had the desire but not the tools. That we extended beyond play into a place where I can only say that she was mine and I was hers, is amazing to me. Everything began with her. I wish I could say it ends with her as well and we’re happy and still together, but as anyone who reads my posts knows, this is not the case. Then there was Eric who was my Master. As I’ve said, I’m a Switch. And being a Submissive is some of the best training on being a good Master. Seeing both sides allows me to better see how best to proceed in both aspects. And even with My Miss, while it lasted, she was a phenomenal submissive, especially for one so new. I was thrilled with what time we had together, though it seems like that is at an end now. I have friends who have had bad Submissives and bad Masters and can only be grateful to whatever leather clad whip bearing god(dess) is looking out for me.

Specific rules

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I follow a particular ruleset that both broadly and specifically defines my actions. I’ve mentioned this before so I won’t get into the basics here, you can view them by searching this tag “rules” on the blog. I want to speak to a rule that dictates my behavior at the end of or the ending of a relationship. It is this; I don’t walk away. If I am not betrayed, I don’t walk away. So if whomever I’m with ghosts out, it leaves me in a quandry. I can neither walk away or talk with them about the relationship. It gets worse if I’ve actually stated that I will not walk away from them. In that case I am bound by my word to maintain the garden, as it were, awaiting their return. So there is no closure, and I still hope (because I’m a fool) but ultimately they are not coming back. But I still wait. And I wait until I’m in a relationship with someone else, at which point I must break off lest I betray my new paramour. It’s complicated but it’s what I’m thinking about.

Psychological imp

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For some perverse psychological reason unknown to me whenever one of my relationships ends, I become intensely and nigh continuously turned on. It’s like some gleeful imp in my brain is capering and laughing as the internal tension ratchets up. “Now that you have no outlet,” he barks, “here’s a cauldron full of lust.” My brain is such an asshole.