Heavy pulls
Fear bends
Take me in your arms
Hold me
I think
Until the moment we touch
And blend together
Strength to strength
Burn and build
Until conflagration
You are my forge fire
In you I am remade
In you I grow endurance
I burn away impurities
Revealing
Shoring up
Sunshine and bird calls
Wind and heat
In the lonely afternoon
Without you
Wake up
Head spinning
World shaking, quaking
Nausea building
Spun out of bed
Vision keeps going like a top
Fear and panic broach surface
Deep breath deep breath deep breath
Slow down heart rate
Still spinning
Thrust to feet
Pulls down and to the left
Like gravity is acting on one side only
Take a step, never one to let to let the physical dictate action
Thirsty
Grab water and drink
Feel warmth slide down
Water lost its snap
Bled coolness into the night
Take another step to the hall
Holding doorway
Fingers against walls
Everything is spinning
Why why why
Force eyes open, closed from fear
The spin slows but forces its way inside
Relief in the cool washroom but have to make it back
One step two
Throwing myself to bed
Right side makes it worse
Left side better
Sleep, hoping
This will pass
Trace your white lies across my skin
Wonder will we see each other again
Or are we just cold storage
And stolen moments
Losing you
Text like the thinnest gruel
Compared to your wicked smile
And clumsy violence
Those moments when I held you tight
Etched as on glass
Forever bright
Forever painful as we part
Parts of me fade
Disuse packs them away
Doorways close that she once demanded open
Sadness as they go
Chokes and blinds
And I’ll awake emptier than I was
The hole in my heart grows
Fed only by the barest trickle
And the falsehood of hope
Carve out these spaces in borrowed time
Stealing from the past and future
Ingenuity couples Hubris
Barren desert and soft green lawns
Side by side
Spring explodes
The yellow soon dying
Joined by the lone riots
Of purple and white
Poison
So often
Is beautiful
She’s my addiction
My obsession
Completely fucked up
Our friendship
Is about fear of breaking my heart
That she breaks every time she comes and leaves
She’s my drug
I get clean and I’m fine
Don’t think about what’s happening
Then she slips me a text and I’m super skeptical
But this time she stays
And my broken desire
Untethered because I’m on hold
Waiting for someone who may never be available
I fall back into this pattern
But I’ve built up scar tissue
Or that’s what I tell myself
But she’ll break my heart again
Because that’s who she is right now
Will she change?
I don’t know
How many more times can she hook me
Feed me
Then watch me fall
Though I’m no innocent in this
I allow this
Because I just can’t stop
Because I’m an idiot
Because I love her
And my heart doesn’t fade when things end
It’s just that
She’s the only one who batters past my paper thin walls
To scoop up my heart
To weigh it
Not quite ripe
Not quite bruised enough
She’s the only one who makes that effort
She’s my drug
My passion turned obsession
Say friends but under each other’s skins
We never touch
Like split selves drowning in her here
While another me holds vigil for all that I want
Waiting beyond the horizon
Just out of reach
Simple equation of yes/no
Complicated by necessity
Simple dreams sliced down
To reality
So much easier to dream
Than realize
What we said was true
Say instead what we’re doing
Actions drawing us close
As choices tear us apart
Bowl full of blood and stinging nettles
Granules of sand
Agitation as molecule slips past molecules
Wind bleeds energy
Desert palms sway
Heat rises past the point of comfort
Wallowing in the broken blood vessel
Kiss me
As if goodbye is all we have
Heartbeat settles in
Air heats in closed car
Silence and the soft
Shhhhhhh of passing cars
Distance making sounds soft
Flesh and blood and bone
Heats
The heart beat echos
As empty chambers
Hands lose focus
Mind slips away from consciousness
Jerking back
Dreams twist
Recoil
Knowing that I’m losing her
Somehow unable to right the ship
Words with no exit
turn inward
Shattered glass
Internal bleeding
Skin afire
With nowhere left to burn
Pelgris 