Sleep comes slowly
It’s raven wings tattered and smoke stained
Wounds ooze blood
It heralds a dreaming
A remembering
Heart racing
The sound of metal stairs
Pounding down
The floor above red spilled
Congealing as the winter heat saps away viscosity
Mistakes made
Lies heard
Believed
In that building
The unquiet dead
I’m sorry my friends
I should have taken better care of you
Sounds spill out
No words make sense
Jumbled sounds said with a smile
The laugh
The grin
Comrades in arms
Disappear at the end of the day
Long silences filled with memes
With fake people and their fake problems
Mirror reflecting stoic
While a heart aches
That basic human touch
Long departed
Unshed tears war with skipped heartbeats
Sitting in the restaurant that I can’t afford
Anything to stop from hearing
The ticking of the air conditioning
In these too silent spaces
Without you
It was always going to be this
This downward slope
Packed away
Put away
Show the rose
Thorns pricked bloody
Smell enticing
Too cloying
Choke on actions
Drown in sweet words
Cut off
Bound by a promise
Tongue cut out
Mumbling half heard
Pneumatic hammer
Driving out all thought
Echo
Echo
No safety in fear
No safety
Lake bubbles seathe
Heat vents below the surface
I called this clarity
I called it sanity
It’s a barren empty
A field of endless days
Longing for more
Am I longing to feel
….
Anything
Is this my addiction
To pain
To joy
Or is this what I felt
Without the hope
Of a tomorrow
And now I’m self aware enough
To realize it
Some days other people are an agony
Fidget to get free
But even that’s better than sitting alone
There’s no freedom
My choices have led me here
To this barren earth
This windswept empty
Bereft of everything
Even fear
What’s left when even fear is gone
Joy is a thing of blood and bone
My heart is full of dust and memories
What fool would want a piece of pain
Drink my tears and end with sand
On this shattered plain
Beneath this bowl of sky
I understand how people feel when they say they’d rather be alone.
I understand how they feel when they say they don’t want a relationship.
I understand when they want an uncomplicated life.
It’s easier to be alone than to bend for another.
It’s easier to act in the silence of your own thoughts than to think about how your actions impact others.
It’s easier to be, alone.
The closest approximation is to say that I feel sane. Clear. And I see how this feeling can be construed as better. Because what we tend to remember is the end of the relationship. We remember the pain and uncertainty. We remember that feeling that nothing is right nor will it ever be. We feel that torture and we say, “Never again.”
But….
I remember.
I remember feeling free.
Feeling like each day had greater meaning because I was building something. Something for us.
Feeling like I was growing as a person to fit into this dream.
I remember and I know it’s possible.
The most painful part is that I know it can work and not end in flames and agony.
I have proof.
It took an outside hand to take all.
So, while I enjoy this alone getting to know myself as myself, I know I can’t be like those who are eternally single. I know I’ll take the chance again.
Because, when it works, it is the most beautiful thing I can build. And I’m a better man for it.
Empty from caring
Stumbling forward so fast it feels like walking
Day by day
Distance grows from the cliff edge
No fear of falling
Jaw ache from clenching
No tongue holding
Stress fractures manifesting during sleep
Distraction and the closed doors
No windows
Just empty walls
Sitting
Waiting for secret truths
Paths forward bloom
Stark in the emptiness
Bursting with life
But still
Reaching out
Trembling hand
No touches
Last chances
Blown away on the desert wind
All that is beautiful is forgery
A false flag waved to rouse
One to false actions
No truth escapes our lips
No hope beats in hearts
All dust and smoke rising from
Ruin
Drunk on memes
Not quite living
Hopes bounce as pinball
around my brain
Stupid brain
Thinking that there is hope
Finding instead
Dirt filled holes of empty
Drug into the muck
Wanting to kiss you
Wanting some way forward
Brain stuck in loving you
Can’t downshift
Forward is all I’ve got
Past is dead chrysanthemums
And empty chrysalis
Life drives forward
Leaving hearts behind
In there uncertainty
Left to make choices that have moved
But still stuck
Some piece of me
Waiting on a maybe
Stuck in this loop
Sadness and recrimination
Bitter pills to swallow
Lies and half truths
Bound by oaths
Spoken and promised
But only I remember
And you
Wait in silence for words I am forbidden to speak
Shackled by an honor
Few understand
I woke up to your love
But I know, your love is false
I woke up to your kiss
But I know, you’ll be gone in the morn
I woke up in your arms
But I know, you’ll hold me no more
I woke up all alone
And I knew
You’d be laughing
In the dawn
Hot pressure slides
Pain wars
Pleasures build
Need tears loose
Again again again
More
Throbbing pain
Heat cools
Another
Another
Another
Neverending
No release
Just this painful pleasure
Pelgris 