She consumes me
Heart on fire but no words
Say yes
Take you into my hands
Make you safe and unsafe
Dance hands across skin
Across throat
Air dwindles as euphoria spreads
I know she doesn’t want me
Her heart a danger
Can’t help how I feel
She doesn’t want to know
Again and again on this circus wheel
Making the same mistake
Only one ever wanted me
And I failed her
I don’t deserve anyone else
Poems
Nothing stops
The fecund stink of fresh turndown earth
Sweet summer grass spouts green stalks
The soft bud peaks in the still gray of dawn
Fresh air and the slice of cold wind
Lost amidst the summer waves
Soft wind
Warmth of day grows
Heat builds
Secrets whisper
Bones ache with tired
Brain fills with lies that sound like truth
Sleep the only refuge from hopes blade
But still
The heat envelopes
The night closes in
Stars breathe life to darkness
And the moon
Rises
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Night grows as summer begins to fade
Say you are the light
But that’s not me
Instead I am the vast infinity of night
The darkness that envelops you from sight that makes it easier to sing at the top of your lungs
While driving somewhere you don’t want to be
The darkness that inspires you to car dance because for a few minutes you are free and alone enough to be yourself
Hiding you from sight of judgment
The night that stretches out its hand and holds you safe in its arms
And in the night we see worlds and stars that promise new worlds
New possibilities
New chances for things to work out
To be different
Nothing against the light but we gave up on each other a long time ago and summer
Much as I love your heat, your light and I broke up a long time ago
We keep in touch like friends from high school
Waving high as we pass by on Facebook
But me, I am at home in the night sky
And the cool dark of infinity
And the soft welcome light of the moon
I know it shines because the sun reflects off her surface but though she hides her face from us
She still chooses to share
And maybe that’s because she knows
The light obscures
Shows us this infinite blue
But night and darkness show the truth
I’ll take a truth over a warm spoken lie
And day of the weak
Night
I’m so happy we get more of you now.
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Cold hands press to hot eyes
You trip past my safeguards
Dancing with sway through my eyes
Down neurons
Through nerves
Bursting like bright stars
We touch
Explode in annihilation
Whether in destruction
Or creation
We can’t know
Until the haze fades
Either way
You linger
You exist in me
Vibrant viral
Inseparable
Symbiote or parasite
Can’t tell
But I feel alive
And lost
You’ve stepped away
As lightly as you came
Your energy lingers
Consuming me like fire
Unchecked by your control
Pieces ignite
As they resurface
I burn forever
Haven’t found the extent of corruption
Do I even want to?
Or is it better to let your flames
Ignite me in the knowledge
That for a time
I was desired
And so
May be again
By stranger tongues
Eyes
And touch
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Pep talk for the tired
I just want you
Just want talking in the morning and touches reassuring me that you’re real
Just want stupid jokes and silly songs
Just want Dominance and submission because I’m unwilling to sacrifice a part of my identity to conform and neither should you
Just want arguments. That’s right. Disagree with me. Let’s talk it through and come out stronger, or at least feeling OK about the compromise.
Just want talks about our days, the minutiae. It’s in the cracks that flowers bloom.
Just want passion. From sweet forehead kisses to romantic gestures to mind blowing creative sex and sensual play.
Just want all of you. The things you hide. The things you consider bad. The gross. The beautific. The highs and the lows. Everything. Everything.
You. Who are you? Maybe we know each other. Maybe it didn’t work out. Maybe I ruined everything. Maybe you did. Maybe we see each other but never think, yeah let’s see. Maybe we jumped too late or too soon. Maybe we have yet to meet. Maybe I don’t look like what you are looking for. Maybe I’m too blind to see.
But I am looking. Am hoping. Am wanting. I’m not waiting. I’m active. Find me. Look for me. I’m looking too.
It is all possible. Don’t give up hope. Don’t give up.
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Silent
Every day
I’m just so tired
Falling asleep in my chair
My mind drifts to the past
To all that I had in brief months of happy
I can’t go to far
There is a chasm of unfathomable darkness
But back a few years
Each joy
Each I love you
Each fail
This accumulation
I’m so tired
Most days I have nothing left
How am I going to find you
When all I can do without tears is sleep
Losing her didn’t break me
Life after recovery from her loss
Did
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Journeys begin and continue only with consent
You say you’re innocent
While you fumble manipulation
While you look for my attention
Saying your naive
Knowing that makes me want to protect you
Protect you and take you
Waiting on that yes
Waiting for you to speak
I’m just the freak
Waiting on consent
Before our carnival of sins begins
Yes
I want this
Build
Creative structure
Of pain and pleasure
Until all is undone
Until I’m satisfied
Never
Always wanting more
That next step
That next depravity
At the edge of your desires and back again
Watching your ecstasy
Your whimpers
Your tears
Kiss them away
Each new innocence
Each new horizon
Together
Say yes
I want this
Turn the key
Open the doors
One step away
We’ll start slow
Consent
Or
Good morning, how are you?
Only the gentleman
Only the kind Sir
You’ll never see the barbed wire
Unless you desire
And say
Yes
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Slim to none
Walking down the dark hallway
The door of the bedroom the only light
I can feel the ozone and taste the wet
It’s rained outside and I missed it
Sitting awake in my bedroom at 4am
Binge watching TV on Netflix and playing games on my phone
Looking at Facebook messenger to see who might be up
Wondering if they just left the phone on
Or are they like me
Tired but not wanting to sleep
Because we lose so much time to sleep
Because lately we’re so tired
Depression in other words
I sleep instead of think
Because that first thought
Of no one wants me
That I’m so loved but also unwanted
Just leads to spiral and sleep is better
Than falling down that rabbit hole
It’s 4am and I wonder at what my life is
Every bit as lost as I ever was
Just now I know why and supposedly that’s better but
Doesn’t feel like it
I’m no icarus to fly so close to the sun
But then I have a penchant for falling
Maybe I’m just so used to the fall that I love the sharp stop
Or maybe I’ve never stopped falling and all of this
is a dream
Or a hell
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My truck runs but my heart is broken
My heart says, I love you, but I know that’s bad
I know that, you’d argue,
but those times have fade-ed
Our silence rains heavy
Our Eyes fill with tears
It seems like, how are you, is all that we have
I posted a picture,
I knew that you’d laugh
These Facebook emojis are all that we have
Our silence looms heavy
O’er words that were said
In binding agreement, there’s no knot to be read
I sing in my sorrow
I sing like a beast
My wound seem all shallow
But did cut deep
I’m dying from sorrow
I’m dying to fade
Last words that echo
As you fade away
It seems like tomorrow is too far away
It feels like I love you
But nothing to say
Only how are?
I hope that you stay.
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If strange is a journey then I am a explorer
Looking at things with passion, with bright eyes
They crack as if we weren’t shells but mindless mysteries
Dreams experienced in the flash of exhaustion
Waking to strange words on lips
Time for an emergency landing folks and this time, need your votes
Talking but my eyes tell a story of microsleep
Dreams turning about in prophecy
Watching her drown
Covered in snakes
Wake
Images seared into the mind
No vague lifetimes lived in the dreaming
Sidereal journeys to tomorrow
To strange branes
Through bioelectric signals
There and not there
Affording glimpses into
Reality
Pelgris 