I keep waking up
Can’t tell if it’s the waking that’s the problem
Or the songs playing in my head
About being as in love with you as I am
Or declaiming that I’m the freak of the fall
No words for the possible
Those roads all look so promising before you walk them
No certainty
Wish I could just enjoy the journey
When I’m in it
I do
But outside
In Contemplation
I know too many endings
Like pain that echos back from the future
As if pain can cross space/time
Finding a way to me before it happens
Friend tells me I’m kind not sweet
Finally a truth I can accept
Say I’m a shameless flirt
Not out of aimless play
But my heart tries
Even when my mind can’t see
Can’t help who I am
Even when who I am keeps falling in love
And coming out the other side
Charred and broken
Poems
Drifting through mists
I think I’ve gotten to the point where I’m just used to the chaos that my life seems to devolve into.
That or I’m numb or insulated.
My highs are so full of promise and hope.
My lows so full of pain and despair.
But I ride the waves
Sometimes drowning, yes
When I have invested myself in a future that isn’t going to happen
Sometimes delirious with joy
When I have invested myself in a future that isn’t going to happen
But mostly, they are just days passing
Believe me
I want that more of the horizon
Reaching out has burned me though
So I wait
Thinking in my cave
Watching the sky in hope of rain
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Select: Shuffle
My playlist sings of loss
Pull up favorites
Spin the wheel
Shuffle
Shuffled steps
Head down
Contemplation
Musical augery
Dance in hopes dashed reverie
Shuffle foretells misery
Like it reads my heart
Empty suffused darkness
Distilled in smoke stained notes
Each record clicks in place
Bones rolled
In modern sacrifice
Mired in the present
Like a maze with no exit
Just beginnings
Middles
And blood drenched wrong turns
Dead ends decorated by bones
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White noise
This lonely
A hole inside that cannot be filled by me alone
I need other voices to speak
To be the ones I think of
To want my voice
My thoughts
My passion
I’ve tried the being alone thing
A ghost haunting my life
No rebirth
No chrysalis
Just one step after another
An endless series of days
Only through other eyes do I see
Only through others am I whole
A fatal flaw
A design element out of wack
Or just compassion run amok
It’s never as simple as we need it
And I’ve never been an easy man
Tired of these endless days
Waiting
Stepping
Forward
Away
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Immediate emotional reaction
knives rip my esophageal lining
Shredding stomach
Shredding heart
Breaking mind
Blood coughs up
Weakness steals over me
Pain so rough
I’m dying
But
Body won’t give up when my heart breaks
Nausea has me looking for a bucket
All light and kind drain
Please
Let me die
There’s nothing left
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An artists rendition
Hold up a mirror to face my flaws
Saw you watching me
Quietly in the background
Mirrors show us things we cannot ourselves see
And how can such an image be trusted
It reflects but does it reflect true or
Is our brain trying to fill the edge of space with maybes
I saw you there
Crying in the mirror
No sound
And I turn and you are dust
Each morning
Getting ready
Fogging the mirror with steam
so that I can not see
Until I look and see
That I have become whole
And what I’m missing is you
This is what healing is
Another way of losing you a third time
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Inexorable conclusion, perhaps
Your hand on my arm
That simple touch
Means more than I can ever say
No hesitation
I hesitate
Wanting more
But stutter
Brush by you
Touch
I see him watching us
Circling each other
Wondering if maybe
Give in to passion
But there is a right way
And I need more than a few hours
With you
And I see him looking
His eyes like coals
Daggers into me
Do you see?
You belong to you
Keep his opinions to himself
I’ll not allow an insult
Slow steps
Make the dance
And perhaps a symphony
Or perhaps I hope for more than
More than can be given
But I know
Now
Not more than I deserve
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Embrace as wounds close
Slip below the waves
Warm water washes away
Hands reach out
Catching before slipping
Further into peace
Long minutes of silence
The hush of soft breathing
You stretch out
Reaching both away
And back to touch
Eyes open to find you missing
Not empty
As if the scent of your heart
Lingers in my mouth
Acceptance
And the fresh scent
Of dawn
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Is this some weird form of insecurity?
I think I may be bad at flirting
But not really bad but just because
I’m not flirting
Or I am but I’m not playing games
or something
I’m just talking and saying what I’m thinking
And what I’m thinking is that I see you
And in seeing you
I see something wonderful
And I say hey, this thing about you is really awesome
But I don’t follow up because I’m not flirting
Not to say not interested
Just not playing a game
I know that sounds like bullshit
Or like a game in and of itself
I’m just being sincere and people say kind or nice
And I am just like, ‘huh?’
Cause I’m just saying what I feel
Not trying for an outcome or to be seen
I’m a weirdo
I’m aware
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Deeply held games that are no such thing
There is pain in the things that are ignored
No rest for the unnoticed
Desires well fed by dreams
Forgotten upon waking
Always they come
Dreams and words
Wanting nothing more than that they stay
Instead dwindle
Grow distant
Declared you mine
You didn’t realize that outlined my obligations
Not yours
But I do wish
You’d say the same
Pelgris 