Those seconds we spend
Lost in the shadows of knowing
The pain of tomorrow
Those waves of future eroding the shore of now
Ocean depositing sand
Taking away is
Leaving might be
No way forward to a future
All roads obscured
Dancing on turned ankles
Entangled in webs
Cutting free for the fall
No safety but for the missing touch of hand
Absent smiles
Leaf flies
Not knowing its ending
But it soars
Poems
On borders, blossom or crumble
Sometimes the noise gets so loud that it becomes silence
And the hole inside yawns wide
You are looking down into this abyss
While you are falling too
And the only thought
The only scream
Is silent
Open your mouth
Throat aching
Scream soundless
Jaw burning and stretched
And still
The empty consumes a bit more
And all you can do is drown a little bit
And you gasp trying to breathe but it’s not air you need
You can’t think
And gods help you if you start looking outside
But you do
And we all have our drugs
Sex or loss of control
Dissolving minds in chemicals and hoping to wake up better
Hoping not to wake
The empty doesn’t leave
It’s just held at bay by sensation
It lurks out in the periphery
We watch it as we lose ourselves in the dissolving of self
Later we wake
Maybe the empty is gone
Can’t even remember it was there
Dangerous
The outside killed the inside
The lie of the alluring
But it wakes from its stupor
We try again and again
Until nothing keeps it away
Eroding our will
Sometimes that’s the point of ending
Where just the screaming to stop becomes audible and that drop, that gunshot, that dose you know is too much…
But sometimes
something we do fills the hole
Just a bit
But enough
…..
And we claw our way back
But that hole
That grinning silence
It’s not gone
But now
We have a shovel
And maybe that is enough
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Our secrets seem small until we see friends fleeing from the sound of their truth
Secrets deepen the longer they are held
Each one pill sized
Swallowed
Hidden from view
Left to bloom and grow
Working their way through limbs
Sapping strength
Choking heart
Catching tongue
And always the hesitation
To say what was
What you tell no one
Lest they scoff and say not real
Not you
The image before you cannot be who the festered darkness says you were
You know your secrets to be unpalatable
To be outrageous and impossible
To be true and heavy
Lead weights keeping you from the last mile
Last steps before true connection
Instead tending an inner garden of night blooming flowers
Each deadly and poisonous
What was done cannot be undone
Then what good will speaking do
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Seeing the dance, body unable, mind knows the steps
Urgency stretches out
Taffy pulled
Lapse slow into crouch
Sway back reaching for hands just out of reach
Leap and swirl frenetic grace
Fall prone
Hands explore exposure
Ankles lifting
Marionette rising to feet
Hands flash across torso
Eyes drawing to the flutter of fingers
Twist
Fall to knees
Pound against stone
Release from this imprisonment of flesh
Fire sway looking into heart flame
Hands climbing ladders
Legs unmoving
Slowly fading hearts beating
Slower and slower
Transition
Slow rise inch by inch
Beat back the night
Step reaching
Down
Twist
Leap and swirl
point
Counterpoint
Eyes meeting across stage waiting for that moment when
Inevitable stop
Facing each other
Push spin away
Rushing of others lost in the frenzy of flesh
Looking for the lost pieces
Torn across time
Frantic
Until all is empty
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Thin lines of blood crisscross the heart
Sometimes I wake up with all the pain of loss in my heart
My mind rushing to consciousness through a gauntlet of each person I’ve loved who have died or left or are so distant that any hope of us remains in the realm of dreams that never were
I wake in this tearing agony as if my dreams were filled with my loves and waking is the cutting blade ripping me open
I wake like this and go to work
Where people don’t know the wonderful people who I’ve carved myself up, open to
Where explaining even a tenth of what I feel would earn at best pity and most likely contempt
And as weary as I grow of this pain, those who care must read my torment and have nothing else to say. All the words have been said. All the sympathy given. And we are all left hollow and we are all stuck on the fringes of understanding. Each of us a world alone.
I stay away, awake as long as I can. The torment of staying away from sleep and the comforts of not thinking. Stay awake to keep from that moment of wake
Still, in dreams we are together. Different me’s, different you’s; watching their lives unfold
Happy that somewhere we are found
Until that moment when again, all is lost
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A drop with wings unfurled is no guarantee of flight
Wind
Gentle lover
Caresses my skin
Cold dreams
Distant rumble
Frenzy clicks and clatters
Torn out by the root
I fly
Drift and tumble
Each ungentle touch breaking me
Moving me further
Each shift a step forward
Flight in the maelstrom
Glory
…….
Subsides
Discarded by the road
Having drifted
No further than sight
Of home
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She who wakes my darkness will dwell forever in the light
Slip into desire
A breaking wave
A falling drop
Life disappears from the margins
Clawing into dreams
Holding onto purchase
That what may be in dreams may hold on
Long enough to be real
Conscious mind
Knows roads closed
Paths overgrown
Still a heart says maybe
Igniting kindling
Fires of need break
All thought but….
All thought fled
Replaced by maybe
Maybe and please
Your hand in mine
Never to part
A foolish dream that can’t help but live
Knowing the contours of a heart
Hands Pressing into the maze of you
Broken mirror hopes
Each reflection another chance to lose you
Each chance I’d take
For those few whiles you are mine before the end
Our jagged
Our broken
Complimentary pieces
Fitted together too late
My heart waits eternal
Saying someday
Saying wake beside me
In my arms
Safe
All hope lost
I know, I know
I fail, I fail
There is no thought that doesn’t contain you
My heart so foolish
To love and love and love
And never
Ever
Forget
That thin glass shard
Saying yes, yes this time
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Last chance to close my eyes
I have the easiest time connecting with people who read my writing. Because in my writing, with how I write, there is no place to hide. If you are afraid? Write it. Feeling something? Write it. Thinking about anything? Write it. It’s all there. Years of me. Thoughts and feelings. So people come to me past all my defenses and pretenses. And I think are probably surprised. Because all that writing is just me. Without exaggeration, but at a distance. In person it’s more. Without the intercessor of the screen or the page, how can it be helped but to be even more real?
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……..
Retreat into silence
Into noise, cacophony
So loud that one disappears
Into oblivion
Sinking deeply
Screaming silently
No one hears
“You’ve got this”
Head in hands
Who hears
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Feigning normal while drinking seawater
Give me a minute to think
Just a minute to breathe
To plan
This thought that a minute to think will sort things
While my mind stays empty
Except for the algorithmic upward trend of my heartbeat
Feeling the fight or flight response filling my limbs
Washing in like a tide of seaweed
Choking off access
The walls falling into place
Locked behind the steel
While outside adrenaline rages and barely held in check
I wait out the anxiety
This rising blood tide instead settles to this new normal
Fighting to tread water
Glimpsing the seabed
And the shore
And knowing how to reach neither
Only the sure knowledge of of how to drown
And the sure knowledge
… It’s coming
And then, all hopes die
Pelgris 