Pelgris

Sometimes the noise gets so loud that it becomes silence
And the hole inside yawns wide
You are looking down into this abyss
While you are falling too
And the only thought
The only scream
Is silent
Open your mouth
Throat aching
Scream soundless
Jaw burning and stretched
And still
The empty consumes a bit more
And all you can do is drown a little bit
And you gasp trying to breathe but it’s not air you need
You can’t think
And gods help you if you start looking outside
But you do
And we all have our drugs
Sex or loss of control
Dissolving minds in chemicals and hoping to wake up better
Hoping not to wake
The empty doesn’t leave
It’s just held at bay by sensation
It lurks out in the periphery
We watch it as we lose ourselves in the dissolving of self
Later we wake
Maybe the empty is gone
Can’t even remember it was there
Dangerous
The outside killed the inside
The lie of the alluring
But it wakes from its stupor
We try again and again
Until nothing keeps it away
Eroding our will
Sometimes that’s the point of ending
Where just the screaming to stop becomes audible and that drop, that gunshot, that dose you know is too much…
But sometimes
something we do fills the hole
Just a bit
But enough
…..
And we claw our way back
But that hole
That grinning silence
It’s not gone
But now
We have a shovel
And maybe that is enough