Month: March 2016

Jealousy

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I never counted myself a jealous man until I found relationships where my place was uncertain. I think some of the jealousy stems from wanting and not having.  I know if we’re physically intimate that when you are with anyone else you are going to have flashes, memories of me.  I am that confident in my abilities as a lover and a Top.

The other factor is that I am expecting at some point to hear what I would say.  Something along the lines of, “I’m here, I won’t abandon you.” I have real issues with being left.  Because of Morgan dying. I know she would have stayed if she could but we’re talking emotional states here.  It comes off as weakness, as not being confident.  Its not, but it is an issue I’m aware of.

Quantum ghost

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We are as a dream that walks through. the world
Phantom images side by side
Real enough to touch the world but not each other.
Pressing up against the glass
hoping for the slightest breach

Damaged film

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You ever see a bright white spot
surrounded by a color shift like blue
reminding you of damaged film
but you see it in your life
and for the briefest of instants wonder
“Is my life real?”

Distance into distance

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You’re a thousand miles from me
staring into the distance
and still my heart races
trying to be nonchalant
to be charming
desiring only the sound of your voice
the touch of your hand
your smile like a flash
I’ll accept what you’ll give
but I want…I want it all

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in the smallest turning leaf
the slightest turn of light
the softest intake of breathe
the flame dancing
the twist of the wrist
the curve of the neck
the whisper
the words
the play of shadow across the floor

It is in the quiet heartbeat and
arpeggios of the violin

…….
It is in the pain of heartbreak and the dying breathe

sex is a partnership

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the wet strength of your tongue caresses
catch your eyes,
drink in your gaze as the pleasure rolls through
reach down and pull you up,
tasting your mouth that tastes of me.
straddle my mouth, tasting your beauty

 

Joy and time

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Why is the portrayal of the ideal life so bland? Go to college, get a career, find a spouse, get married, live in a house with the character of a showroom, be happy but not too happy, love but do so quietly,  steady, have a child, foster that child’s realistic hopes, child repeats the cycle, in middle age go to Bali and find that life is good and find that life is worth the sacrifices. 

It is so bland.  If this is what you want then fine, do as you want.  I would normally say do as you desire but can someone living this way have desires?  The most exciting thing in their lives is that fantasy or that illicit affair.  I suppose that’s judgemental.

Give me fire and passion.  Love messy and sweet and out loud. Unabashed, unafraid. Find art in life, find beauty in the world.  Live for your friends, enjoy the journey not the destination.  Listen to music, make your own. Sing even if you are terrible at it.  Find the people who resonate, dance and scream. Be present in the moment, feel the world around you. Break free from all confinement, make love, have sex, drink and eat.  Have rules but make them your own, make them be based in the things most important to you.  Will you change the world from unrepentant same to multicolor? A life affected. Be sad, be angry but move forward.  The happy times flow faster, let the bad times go by too.  And always, always seek. Be it love or beauty, your passion or your dreams.  We have no choice but to travel forward into the future, but we can choose how we step.

Past is future

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What’s funny about the ‘My future choices’ post is this, it is about my future. Not the choices I have already made. Which are to like one person and love another. Those relationship states don’t go away, I’ll just be more cautious with them. I’ll step forward, but I don’t step away if you get my meaning. Just a passing thought.

My future choices

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After so many missteps, I must begin to consider that it isn’t bad luck. I must accept that the people who I am attracted to are hurting in some way. I think because my first love was hurting and I was her strength. Indeed, we drew strength from each other. So perhaps I’m looking for the echo of that relationship in future relationships. I’m not doing it consciously. But I need to exam my attraction more closely. Not because desiring to help is bad necessarily but to do it as an acquaintance or advisor may be a better option for me emotionally. Going forward anyway. Choices made are already made and I must live in the shadow of those choices.

Head pounding

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Is there anything more daunting than the blank page? When your heart and thoughts are awhirl. When your mind is making connections and your heart is making wishes. When your subconscious is screaming for attention and your head is pounding. When your eyes burn from not sleeping and your heart begins to sink. It all becomes too much, and you just want a minutes peace. To sink into the arms of a friend, a lover, and forget. To feel safe. So easy, seductively easy, treacherously easy…