I’m not looking for a different life
I’m looking for a life with you
I’m not running away
I’m running to
Yet here I am
this face
That slight smile
hiding the grimace
That rictis of pain
lurking just beneath the surface
Two interlaced
Pulled apart so slowly
Not a sound is made
Just a long drawn out scream slowed down
Sounds like wind
Howl of agony
Broken and warbling
Bled by hours
Glass falling from a high shelf
Seconds before impact
Just the panic
Before the pieces fly apart
Alone
depressed and tired
and going to sleep
No words expressed into the silence
Drowning in shallow water
After swimming free
In the depths
Fading light
Because they love you does not grant you the right to be a dick
You don’t get to lie about the things in your head that may come bursting out at inopportune times
You don’t get to foist your debts and obligations onto them
Because they love you is not a reason to take their presence for granted
You do not get to be silent while they howl for understanding
You do not get to be chit chat normal while their eyes beg for solutions
Because they love you is not a reason to take your pleasures without giving back theirs. (consent being given)
You do not get to eat their meals, prepped and prepared with loving hands, while you make them pay for your insecurities
You do not get to make love to them while holding back all the things they need to feel whole
Because they love you is no reason to take and take.
To threaten your own dissolution if they leave you
To threaten to leave when they are trying to make it work
Because they love you
They love you
And your repayment of that love is pain
And uncertainty
Just because they love you
It doesn’t give you the right
We act like our world is all one way
Blissful or burned by parallel reality
Same universe, same world
But really, how many lives can you see?
Which journeys will take you down roads that branch and branch until you see no way out?
Or end all too abruptly in a grave?
We want what we want and we want it now.
Blinded by our choice to only see those opinions that echo our own.
Unable to change minds because our own are so mired in our mirrors
Reflecting opinions back until anything outside is a foreign body to be attacked
Our opinions are so often lies of those tied to a news cycle
read an opinion and assimilate it rather than form your own
Learn someone else’s philosophy and wisdom, regurgitate
Look am I not wise
I said the same thing the parrots of my political flavor say
Things change but in cultural drifts
In ebbs and flows
Stutters and starts
In conflict
In choices each time we open our mouths
Open our doors
It’s in the quiet words we tell ourselves and in the reason why we shout
I’m here
I’m alive
I matter
Listen to me
Words fade in the cacophony
But be the rock unwavering
and be beaten to sand
A sacrifice
A choice
A stand
Life ends
In our silence
In our fear
Hope dies
Undiscovered in the discarded dross
Of our willful blindness
Take my eyes
I wish to see
I fear these things I feel
For when I felt them before
They preceded the fall
The point where my emotions
My desires cause them to pull back
The point where all that could have
Came crashing down
Distance spreads us thin
Quiet becomes the perforations
Dripping blood like slow plops
A silent rain
Heartfelt goodnights
Heart emojis
And the too loud rush of blood
No rest for depression
No arms to hold
No eyes to see me
Just this distance
And the soft sound
Of my own breathing
Hearts race
Setting pace
For longstanding victory
Last place
Disappeared without trace
Lost to a memory
Shadowed face
Devil’s grace
Blood fountain from artery
Give me some space
Madness gives chase
Hats off to mercury
Simple words fail
Simple actions at distance
Shared minutiae
Becomes shared life
I’ve only ever wanted
For you to be happy
I’m a desolate heart basking in the afterglow of hope
Tattered dreams snapping in the hot desert wind
Wanting for that moment
When eyes open and the dreams of our lives together fade
And there you are
And I pull you close
And whisper
This is the moment I’ve been dreaming of all of my life.
Now that I have you, I’ll never let you go
Pelgris 