Lethe pulls down
Drinking self
Inhabiting another’s thoughts
Angry anxiety
Rail against what is
Running
Taunting
Trading one gang for another
Perspective shift
Both runner and chase
One seeking safety
The other seeking safe
Dangerous to others
Fighting wars
Reasons for the things we do
Truth eludes us
Until we look behind
And read the why’s on the wind
poetry
Anxiety or perception
Always thinking about you
Always wrong
Maybe
Overthinking?
Maybe screwing up
Don’t know
Hell
Push comes to shove
I still miss you
I miss my friend
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Sometimes, I’m an idiot
My work these past few days
Seems laser focused on my own pain
But I realize I’ve not been seeing the bigger picture
Because of circumstances
Neither of us feel in control of
We sit in virtual silence
Words half said
Caged in other talk
Songs half sung but never at full volume
I’ve been shredding myself
Never thinking how that made you feel
It wasn’t done out of malice
I assure you
Any pain I inflicted
Was as unintentional as the butterfly
Causing the hurricane
So I apologize here
And hope that you see it
Though I can’t know
But you are my person
I won’t forget again
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Sways the leaf
Heavy pulls
Fear bends
Take me in your arms
Hold me
I think
Until the moment we touch
And blend together
Strength to strength
Burn and build
Until conflagration
You are my forge fire
In you I am remade
In you I grow endurance
I burn away impurities
Revealing
Shoring up
Sunshine and bird calls
Wind and heat
In the lonely afternoon
Without you
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What the fuck
Wake up
Head spinning
World shaking, quaking
Nausea building
Spun out of bed
Vision keeps going like a top
Fear and panic broach surface
Deep breath deep breath deep breath
Slow down heart rate
Still spinning
Thrust to feet
Pulls down and to the left
Like gravity is acting on one side only
Take a step, never one to let to let the physical dictate action
Thirsty
Grab water and drink
Feel warmth slide down
Water lost its snap
Bled coolness into the night
Take another step to the hall
Holding doorway
Fingers against walls
Everything is spinning
Why why why
Force eyes open, closed from fear
The spin slows but forces its way inside
Relief in the cool washroom but have to make it back
One step two
Throwing myself to bed
Right side makes it worse
Left side better
Sleep, hoping
This will pass
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Nothing special lasts
Trace your white lies across my skin
Wonder will we see each other again
Or are we just cold storage
And stolen moments
Losing you
Text like the thinnest gruel
Compared to your wicked smile
And clumsy violence
Those moments when I held you tight
Etched as on glass
Forever bright
Forever painful as we part
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A million closing doors
Parts of me fade
Disuse packs them away
Doorways close that she once demanded open
Sadness as they go
Chokes and blinds
And I’ll awake emptier than I was
The hole in my heart grows
Fed only by the barest trickle
And the falsehood of hope
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Gone too quickly
Wind swirls and pushes
Sounds of the highway blend
With wind battered palm frond
Croak of the corvid
Quiet for the city
Cool
wars with heat
Giving way
Like your fingers slipped from mine
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In the valley
Carve out these spaces in borrowed time
Stealing from the past and future
Ingenuity couples Hubris
Barren desert and soft green lawns
Side by side
Spring explodes
The yellow soon dying
Joined by the lone riots
Of purple and white
Poison
So often
Is beautiful
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Tie off my arm
She’s my addiction
My obsession
Completely fucked up
Our friendship
Is about fear of breaking my heart
That she breaks every time she comes and leaves
She’s my drug
I get clean and I’m fine
Don’t think about what’s happening
Then she slips me a text and I’m super skeptical
But this time she stays
And my broken desire
Untethered because I’m on hold
Waiting for someone who may never be available
I fall back into this pattern
But I’ve built up scar tissue
Or that’s what I tell myself
But she’ll break my heart again
Because that’s who she is right now
Will she change?
I don’t know
How many more times can she hook me
Feed me
Then watch me fall
Though I’m no innocent in this
I allow this
Because I just can’t stop
Because I’m an idiot
Because I love her
And my heart doesn’t fade when things end
It’s just that
She’s the only one who batters past my paper thin walls
To scoop up my heart
To weigh it
Not quite ripe
Not quite bruised enough
She’s the only one who makes that effort
She’s my drug
My passion turned obsession
Say friends but under each other’s skins
We never touch
Like split selves drowning in her here
While another me holds vigil for all that I want
Waiting beyond the horizon
Just out of reach
Pelgris 