joy

Delusional, maybe a bit stupid

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I’m delusional. Thinking that if I can just wait long enough, hold on long enough, you’ll somehow be waiting on the other side of your personal maelstrom. Waiting, looking for me. I don’t know if I can do that. If there were some indication that you wanted me, just not right now, while your traversing the jungle of your mind. I’d probably, look for you. I’d wait. Because right now I can’t stop looking for your smile or a response I know will never come. I’m delusional, not stupid.

I worry when you are not there, hoping you are alright, hoping you feel better, hoping you stay. Even if its not with me. Just stay. This world is worth the time. Whatever rest or oblivion you think is coming, can wait. This time, this place, these people around you, all unique in the universe. Take advantage, find joy, find something that lasts for more than a few hours.

Pleasure is great. Everyone knows I’m an advocate for pleasures dark and light and everywhere in between. But it doesn’t last, you always need more. Find the small moments of joy. The beauty you can carry with you. You’ve made it clear you don’t want me on that journey with you. Which means I’m sad, bleak, bereft but I hope you can find the path to joy without me. I love you enough to watch you walk away. I just want what you are walking to to be everything I would have helped you achieve, every experience and idea I could offer, and whatever the other things I don’t have that you are looking for.

I want you to feel the opposite of what I feel now, eyes blurred with tears. I want that for you. You deserve that joy. Seek it.

Fear is but the first step

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To not take chances from fear is to betray yourself. It is not bravery one must act with. Instead one must examine ones fears. Does this action make you afraid? If so does the fear serve its intended purpose and keep you from harming yourself or others? If so then it behooves you to examine the desire to find out the why’s of it. If the fear does not serve you then you must take the action. There will be consequences, there will be fallout. Prepare your mind for that potentiality. Then let it go. Embrace the action as one of beauty. Then step forward.

We live lives sheltered in our fear. Comfortable, safe lives. But ask instead why you live. If you have the life you want, then ignore me. I am joyful in your finding and keeping of it. But if you have not, then ask yourself why not? You are the only constant. The tools available to you are embodied in the choices you make. Accept that the world is chaos. Accept that the only thing you have control over are your choices.

Embrace fear. Embrace consequence. Embrace choice.

Ma petite tempête hivernale

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This beauty, this life, this simple song
Give voice, give life, give dance
Touch hands, look eyes, and joyous laugh
Kiss lips, hold tight, sit silent

The day is turning,
the sun, the earth, the bowl of sky
Spin round and round
The heavens in their majesty waltz in order made Chaotic

But down below, in smaller frame, you and I. Hold. Hold on, hold tight, the world spins madly. Embrace.

Welcome back

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This island
Surrounded by crashing waves
Sanctuary
The tide goes out
The island swells
Its borders expand
Settles in to this new normal
Becomes more stable
More lucid
Then waves come crashing back
Devouring stability
The island shifts in ecstatic ecstasy
Welcoming the maelstrom
All distance fled
Cavorting in the froth of the sea

Through the caul

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In all my wakings,
 as thought filters past dream,
  I think of lovers past and future.
Of tentative kiss and hopeful touch.
 Of breaking heart and building wave.
  Of empty beds and too cold sheets.
This sprawl, this hope, this life.
 And finally, I think of you.
  And know,
Having known your embrace, your love, your touch
 your dreams,
  your darkness.
And know that I am worthy of love,
 deep and powerful as an undertow,
  having known it with you.

Some cuts aren’t physical

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I’m never happier than when I’ve divulged some piece of myself to the wider world and am waiting for the whole thing to come crashing down. Like a hidden and massive game of emotional Jenga. Dancing the line between salvation and despair.

Vows of a drowning man

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I’m sure your body is beautiful. But I’m looking at your eyes. Your eyes are the window to your soul. They reflect the world around you. I want nothing more than to see them crinkle with a smile when they see me.

The body is a playground and, believe me, we will play. Your joy, your laughter, your sobs, your tears, the soft thoughts and harsh words. These all are seated in your eyes, issued forth from lips and tongue, breathe over vocal cords. Churned forth in the maelstrom of your mind.

I may like the way you move, the outfit you wear. The form of your body. But I reserve my love for the parts that make up your soul. Whisper your words, pierce me with eyes, show me your world.

Live not work

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Find something to live for. If it’s art, do it every day. Doesn’t matter if you’re tired or uninspired.

If it’s something else, then do it with gusto.
I don’t know about the other stuff. Art, beauty, joy in found moments. Its different for each of us. Meditate. Find the path that works for you.

Work, is often just money. Remember you are selling your time, not your soul. Don’t shackle yourself by thinking that it is anything but. Maybe if you’re building your dreams and that’s a business, maybe that’s good enough. But so often it’s not.

Find someone to love, find the path. Before everything else, before the tawdry details drag you down.

Poem

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the world is full
of tastes
of smells
of sounds
of touch
of gravitic waves
and more senses and more
to deny ourselves sensations
to deny ourselves the painful beauty
out of moderation or some shyness that such action will make us seem less
not to me I say, not to me
revel in life, if you desire it, take a piece of it;
anything else is blasphemy
it makes profane that which is holy
this world may be all we have
live it