Thoughts

Love doesn’t stop

PelgrisLeave a comment

The problem with love is that it really doesn’t give a shit if the person you love is tied to another. Maybe this is a my brain thing or maybe it’s something we societaly suppress. In the latter case, it’s still a my brain thing since I’ve cast aside most societal norms, or at least the reasoning behind those norms.

In any case, my brain doesn’t give 2 figs if someone is with someone else. If I see them, if they resonate with me, then I will fall in romantic love with them. Outside of family, I literally have 3 friends who I don’t romantically love. I love them, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t have a positive desire to be with them in any kind of romantic context. But…I have more than three friends. And the rest, I do love in a romantic way. And I find myself slipping deeper into that mindset. It’s why, despite my desire, I must distance myself from some of them. Because, they don’t want to be loved romantically. They may value me and even love me, but not romantically. And I push. Anyone who knows me, knows that I push. Not in a bad way, but I will be more intimate, more caring, romantic than is comfortable. So, in accordance with their wishes and to safeguard my emotional state, I distance myself. I hate it, but I do it.

But, the point is that I don’t stop loving someone romantically because they are with another. I won’t try to split them up. I will, actually try to bolster their relationship if it makes the person I love happy. Because I do love them, and I want them happy. And if that isn’t going to be with me, then I’m going to help their relationship if I can. Maybe that seems like self sabotage. But, I can’t be honorable and harm someone I love for personal gain. That just doesn’t work. And maybe they would be happy with me, maybe happier. But that is their decision. I can’t compromise my values to bring them to my side.

Because, if I did that, I would not be the man they would love. I would be some kind of manipulator. And that is something I will not allow. Sometimes I see the cracks in a situation and it would be easy to widen those gaps. But to do so would be contrary to my code. It would be a fundamental betrayal. I’d rather die alone and unloved than to betray.

We all must live by the standards we set. Failure to do so is evil. It’s a manipulation of our own stated truths and it destroys the people who do it. One compromise leads to another until all that we are lays in ruins. We may have all that we wanted, but it’s ashes.

Master is a dirty word.

PelgrisLeave a comment

I have never been a master of anything. And even of the people who have called me master, I was not a master. To be a master is to say that I am at the pinnacle of my abilities.  There is no higher that I can go that is not simply a reimagining of the thing in which you claim mastership of. And it’s total bullshit. Because the reality is that you are not the best at what you do. Not only is there someone better than you, there is also someone better than them. 

Think about that. Not only are you not the best, you’re not even second best. You are at best, third best. And that’s good. Really. It is. Because as third best you know that there is a place to go. You can’t sit on your ass content in the knowledge that you can learn nothing more, strive for nothing more. Instead you have more to learn. More to grow. And that is the greatest gift you can give.

Because as long as you can grow, you can change. And as long as you can change, you can overcome that seemingly insurmountable goal. Because you are not the best. Because if you were the best and you couldn’t do it, well then, it simply can’t be done.

But you are not, and it can.

So how do you get past it? How do you overcome it? I’ll give you a hint, it’s not by sitting on your ass waiting for it to present itself. Waiting for it to be.

You need to work towards that goal. Because while it may be coming slowly, if you are sitting on your ass when it presents, you will be in no state neccesary to take advantage of it. And it will pass you by. And with you on your ass, it will be all you can do to waive at it, as it speeds by.

But if you had been working towards it, you would have matched speeds and climbed aboard. Because you had done the work to get there.

You have to get up every day and do something to further your goal. You have to try to be ready to jump when it comes. And you have to not lose heart. Because 3rd place is not second loser, it is the place from which winners launch.

Keep working. Not towards mastery. Not towards some impossible goal. Define a goal. Write it down and follow through. Start small but do a little more until you are screaming from how much it is. Then do that for awhile, until it becomes easy. Then do more. We are only as limited as we allow ourselves to be. More is always possible.

If you get off your ass.

What is creation?

PelgrisLeave a comment

Emotions don’t create change. They merely express it. They inform it. But they are the result of creation not creation itself.

Creation is the act of seeing the shape of things as they are. As they might be. Of describing what is seen. We feel an emotion but to write it, paint it, draw it, sing it, dance it, we must first observe it. We must embrace it and trace its lines like a lover. We must touch it and make it seen. Then through our own inadequate sight we describe it, transform it, connect it. And in the end, it is no longer emotion, but the thing of creation. And it moves out from us, inciting emotions in those who choose to perceive it.

Weird brain shit

PelgrisLeave a comment

If I’m confident in a situation then I’m utterly comfortable and I will be kind and playful. Loving and caring.
If I encounter something I don’t understand or something I hadn’t foreseen, I will go completely analytical. I will ask questions that will make me seem like I’m being oblivious. I will try to hash out my own feelings and fears because I don’t understand what is happening, not in the moment.

I think it’s probable that I don’t have a high EQ. Just that I’ve encountered many prior situations and I’ve already worked the scenarios and I have contingency behaviors for my contingency behaviors. Which may make me seem weird right? I see that. What I am is a INTJ that is sufficiently self aware that I know why and what I’m doing.
Not that it helps me much in the moment.

I have to have things explained to me. Once I know then I’ll start looking for the situations and try to have plans in place to handle things. And I’ll try to not make the same mistake. But I’ll make others.
Contingency planning only goes so far.

My nightmare, my hell

Pelgris2 Comments

Just woke up from a nightmare, my kind of nightmare, no maniacs or feelings of dread or anything. I have tripwires are the best way to describe it that will wake me to lucid dreaming if those happen.
This was at a vast mansion party. It was filled with debauchery which I’m normally fine with but there was a pervasive understanding that the people were being forced to participate. There were women wearing heavy chain collars described as soul mates of the person they were with who were forced to perform sexual acts on people other than their desire at the urging of their so called mates and both had hollow eyes empty of desire and this element of silent pleading.

All around broken people perverted love to satisfy physical lust. There was no passion or desire just the physical moment of release without any emotional connection. Anyone in one of the heavy chain collars was meat for the feast. These were all the so-called soul mates of others who had enslaved them and destroyed their will to the point where this was accepted. But there was no joy in it.

This is what the general public views BDSM as. This breaking of the will and using of others for pure physical release. And it is a perversion of all that I’ve enjoyed in the lifestyle. Of everything that I am.

There was no love there. No joy. No pleasure. No consent. Just destruction of sacred bonds and me, a ghost at the feast.

I couldn’t act. Couldn’t stop it, couldn’t twist the dream. I was awake enough to remember. Awake enough to be aware but not awake enough even to save those people.

It was a nightmare. To me, a living hell. A perversion of everything I’ve ever stood for or tried to convey. Sex disguised as love and rotting at the root of those involved. Destroying their ability to see and love. To see love as something other than this fear and destruction. And any that break free of this, few as there was the sense that the only freedom offered was death, there was only isolation and despair. The bedrock belief that none could love them after this experience.

It was a nightmare of epic proportion to me. I wish I could say that I woke of my own volition. But it felt like I was released.

Now, I want to find that dreamscape lucid and burn it down. Even as a dreamscape it is fundamentally wrong. And I can’t allow it to exist. Which may sound like madness. But I’m a dream walker. And it may be madness but, sadly, that doesn’t make it less real.

I have to confront the dream to make myself sane. To not allow the fear of that place win.

Freedom found

PelgrisLeave a comment

I worry. I worry that whatever I am. This creature, this person I have chosen to be. This person I have actively defined by my choices.
I worry that when you finally see me, all that structure and facade will fall away and you’ll be left with what I am.

And all of that is a lie. It’s a lie that my fear tells my heart because it needs to maintain its control. But it is a lie.

I have constructed myself but it was like chipping away at a hunk of marble. I didn’t build a structure on top of a structure. There is no facade. There is just this false feeling of being an imposter. Because if I’m all that I am and then I fail it will be because I was not enough. Or because what I am is not what is desired. And that is my fear. Not that something I’ve done or not done will be the cause of rejection but that despite it all. Despite who I am, I am somehow not what is wanted.

That’s the fear. It’s not that I am an imposter and will be found out. It’s that I’m NOT and despite it all will still be found wanting. And I can’t do anything about that. I can be me. I can show up and put all the tools and processes and everything I am and if it’s still not enough, then we’re just not meant to be. Not meant to click and choose each other.

And seeing that now, I wonder at what I was afraid of? Afraid that I’d be rejected by someone who won’t, who can’t see me? Can’t value me?

There might be pain because I will have invested emotionally but if you can’t love who I am, why should I allow that to hurt me. It should instead free me. And it does

Just…what…uh…no idea

Pelgris7 Comments

I’m in a position now where I want so much to be holding in my arms the ones that I love. But I know that is either a distant future or a impossibility and I have to deal with that.

In a way it’s like a breakup but without the constant questioning and self recriminations. In this case I know the reasons. I just lament them.

Right now, I’m sad often and I don’t want to be but I also don’t know how to stop it my self.

I’ve been incredibly lucky to meet extraordinary people through my blog and though some hurt me, I still feel incredibly fortunate to have the chance to be with people who meet my mind first rather than the crucible of a dating site or a munch or something. Because, I’m not great at those.

Let’s be clear. I’m weird. I have odd notions and hobbies. I have strange views and see things differently. What the majority find interesting, I find mostly a nuisance. I point this out, not to set myself apart, but to demonstrate that I feel as if I’m a outsider.

When you add in BDSM and a preference for strong submissives, I find I’ve narrowed my interests perhaps too narrowly.

I’d love to say that such a narrow focus means that I find my way clear but really I’m all a muddle.

I scare people away because I’m intense and always seek clarity. Not because I am meek but because I can have a effect where I bowl someone over.
But then I just melt if someone says, “Yes, Sir,” and means it.

I don’t know where forward is. Or if I need to heal first. Or if I just need someone I love to look me in the eyes and say “Yes, I choose you” and mean it down to their bones.

Mind/Heart

Pelgris3 Comments

I lead with my heart where those I love are concerned. My mind constructs the path but my heart determines it.

For those who aren’t in my heart, I lead with my mind. My mind sets the course and my heart determines how far I am willing to go.

This is my problem with personality tests. Because my actions and choices are relative to both the situation and the people involved. And is informed by the possible outcomes, the benefits and detriments, and the well-being of those involved. Always looking to safeguard those in my heart and be truthful to my self.

I am looking for the correct action. The neccesary step. For myself and for those in my care.

I test as INTJ but depending on questions, also INTP. Am I either of those or some 3rd thing? Or, for someone changing and growing beyond the boundaries of their limits, is such a test reliable or is it merely a tool to determine a starting place for change.

I apologize

Pelgris2 Comments

I once sent a woman roses to her place of work because it looked like she was sad and I didn’t have the words. I didn’t write anything on the card. I didn’t expect anything for them. Reading this, I hope like hell that they didn’t strike fear.

When I was 6 years old, I was on a playground at school and the boys were chasing the girls, I Chased a girl and took a kiss. She didn’t like it. I never kissed or took without consent from then on. I hope that memory that is in my head as a lesson learned doesn’t burn in her as a evil thing.

I once asked someone a question on a dating site, related to their profile, because it was interesting and I wanted to hear her elaboration. She tore into me like I’d done something wrong and I was hurt and didn’t understand why. I didn’t know at the time that it was very likely she had been raked over coals again and again for her opinion and it left her raw.
I’m paying attention and going back through my memories for any time I took an action or said something. These are what I’ve found.

I hope there are not more that I’m not seeing. I’ve asked the women and men in my life and they’ve said I haven’t. I hope that is true.

Burdens we can’t put down

PelgrisLeave a comment

The problem with being sad all the time is that your face becomes this mask of pain
A mask that people work around, see every day until it just becomes your face
But the pains not you. You are joy and sunshine and that day in the park where you held hands and looked into her eyes and felt so light you might float away
No one sees that you. It’s bound up in memories and minutes found in the present that pass by leaving only wreckage.
As a man wracked by pain, enduring, pushing the pain away takes a pain killer and for too short a time, Knows a life without his burden. Then it all comes crashing back down and what was endurable before is now unbearable. So too is joy to a sad heart.