Rant

I’m tired of being

PelgrisLeave a comment

I would very much like it if a paramour would ask me out. Would say you’re interesting, want to be with me? I’m so tired of choosing and after a time falling and thinking that this person wants me as I want them and being wrong each time. I’m tired of putting myself out there and seemingly wanted then dropped like they grasped a adder. I’m tired of falling for the ones I can’t be with. Tired that only the ones that are safely taken have the least bit interest in me. Tired, just tired. I don’t want to have to be the strong one, the chooser, the asker all the time. It is exhausting.

I thought I’d found her. Got to know bits and pieces over 3 months, told her I was interested in more, that I was falling in love and wonder of wonders she said she was too, 6 weeks later she was gone. Off living her life like I was nothing. This isn’t “beating a dead horse”. This is me struggling to understand. What did I do? What didn’t I do? Was it the way I did it? I NEED to know the why’s. I NEED to know the intricacies. I cannot learn, cannot grow without that information. And in the absence of a long talk with her, I have only the pieces I have. So my mind goes over and over and over again each piece. Attempting to glean new information. Consider me posting a way of clearing out a bit of the debris from the process. Maybe it’s not interesting, maybe you don’t want to see me in pain. But it is necessary. It is how I work through things and come out stronger. Leaving things unexamined in the past, only feels ok in the immediate. In effect though, it’s like leaving unstable unexploded ordinance all over your psyche.

I know it’s not interesting to read. It’s not entertainment. I write stories for entertainment. Listen to one or read Pel and Sara. My poetry is art. I hope to strike a resonant chord. I hope to affect my reader. My thoughts are just that, thoughts. Maybe there will be value, maybe not. It’s all process.

I have a more than 2 year back catalog of poetry and stories like Why or Cubicle.
Hopefully those will tide you over while I’m getting a handle on developments in my life. 

Poetry and inspiration

PelgrisLeave a comment

Writing poetry is actually easier when you have hope. When you are not racked with second guessing and deep emotional and physical pain. Who knew? It actually comes as a bit of a surprise to me. Since so much of my work revolves around darker themes. It turns out I was recovering from the pain of loss and that allowed me to write. But the actual pain doesn’t lend itself to other than crippling repetition of the same confused maddening phrases. So, bottom line, I am cooling it with the poetry unless inspired or I’m on the mend. Which is not my state now. I’m torn between wanting to scream or punch things and I can do neither. I want to crawl into someone’s arms and just be held. But there’s no one to do that. So I have to take care of it on my own. She shredded me and it’s eating me up that I don’t know why silence instead of conversation was her choice. Why was I so easy to discard. Nope, shutting up now. Like I said, endless cycle of the same things.

Why ghost?

PelgrisLeave a comment

If I allow myself to, I will wallow in pain and hope until my world turns corrupt and only pain can bring me back around. 2 times in one year. Ghosted.

I am guessing that I seem like I would be an asshole or cause problems if I were just told the truth. Not the case. Honor demands that I treat honesty with respect. Even if I hate it. Sounds like bullshit, right? I’ve built up a lifetime of being in control. When I am with someone, I give up some of that control to let them in. Into my heart.

I write poetry about them. In these instances, I say goodnight and good morning. I say what’s in my heart. Always. And I warn, I always want a step further than people are generally willing to give. Tell me so I know where the line is.

Instead of telling me, they just leave. Disappear. Stop responding. That I don’t understand. Just let me know. Tell me. Telling me your boundaries, your hard limits are not going to phase me. Communication, please. Tell me something is a hard limit and I will back off. How can leaving be better? I left one time. One time I ghosted out. It is one of my biggest regrets. I had to get in touch with her, and did.

Ghosting out damaged me. Damaged my view of my self. I will never do it again. How can people ghost over and over? Do others have so little value to them? Or do they value their own worth so little?

I’m just rambling, trying to pick up the pieces. Trying to understand.

Reason I couldn’t sleep #11

PelgrisLeave a comment

The wolf statue that stands guard over the raven feather the wind gave me was facing the wrong direction and the feather was positioned wrong as well.  Didn’t realize until this morning.  

One of the ocd people in my house must have seen the books on that shelf leaning over and used the wolf like a bookend.  Nope, nope nope. 

My thoughts on the Pulse murders.

Pelgris2 Comments

I have been silent. I typically don’t engage on shootings, because typically its an unhinged person or a glory seeker and I have no desire to feed into the machine that gives them the fame they desire and sets the stage for the next unhinged asshole to think that this is the way to go.

But in this case the target was a community that is under siege. Our rights, our lives are legislated. We are discriminated against, we are beaten, we are killed. Zealots, bigots and opportunists use our love as political capital. Every stride we make forward is met with scorn, derision and hatred inspired vitriol. I’d like to point fingers and say “It’s them, they cause this. They’re to blame.” But I won’t. We know who these people are. They know who they are. And they are dying out. The generations that are coming, accept us more and more. Things are changing. Just not fast enough for all of us.

I mourn with my people. I mourn as we all do. We want it to be set right but I’m sorry. We don’t get that. We have more freedom than our predecessors. But we are not free.
We get to live better lives today but we must continue to fight for tomorrow. I know the thought that the day after such mind numbing violence could be part of those better lives is controversial. But this time it wasn’t the police beating and hurting us, as at the Stonewall riot. That is, unfortunately, progress.

Each day we stand together. Each day we press forward to that vital future. That future that we as individuals may never see but that boy or girl or transgender or gender fluid individual in that future will have the opportunity to not feel as we do now. They will be able to live their lives in the turmoil of their times without contending with instutionionalized hate. They get to be free. Because we stand up, we stand tall. We fight back without resorting to base violence wherever possible. We are the voice of reason when all others are losing their minds.

That’s all I have the strength to say.

Fury of the storm

Pelgris4 Comments

Is it hopeless?

I can honestly say that I have found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Found them twice in fact. Because there is not just one person in the world whose soul vibrates at the same frequency, there are many. Sometimes you find them and they are ripped away, sometimes they walk away for reasons of their own, and sometimes you’re just in wildly different mental places and it’s doomed. But those are all endings. Endings take care of themselves.

It’s beginnings and middles that are important. Start boldly, love fiercely. Love them with all that you are. As the rush of the new begins to fade embrace the middle, hold on, renewing your love each day. Sometimes each moment. Find that sharp ache in your heart and fan those flames. Kiss them, hold them, touch them. Find something new or a new aspect of them each day. Change for yourself and out of your desire to be better and more for them. Be the best version of yourself. Love can free you to achieve greatness.

If you find love like this, build love like this, then fight for it, fight for them. Never walk away. If they are in darkness be a beacon out of that darkness. Relationships are difficult but the rewards are beyond the pale. Always remember, endings take care of themselves. Your responsibility is the now and immediate future. By all means, make plans. Just be prepared for those moments when plans go awry and improvisation is the only answer.

Love, love with all that you are. All else is foolish without that.

Seeing the grain, the stalk and the field

Pelgris3 Comments

I wonder what people think when I ask or say something. Often, especially from women their response tells me that they are answering something other than what I asked. Let me provide a for instance.

I provided some entertainment. Entertainment that they said they enjoyed. Well and good. I asked, if you enjoyed what I provided, would you do a little thing for me? I will understand if you say no.

The response I received was a critique of the entertainment I provided. How I would need to do better to receive a reward. She also included a appeal to authority, with herself as the authority. Not a simple no. Nor had we negotiated a dominance scene. I can take this a few ways.

One: I can question in confusion, that since it was stated that the entertainment was enjoyable why now lash out as if it was not? Because I asked for something in return?

Two: I could be affronted and actively lash out. But that’s not really my style. Though I am affronted.

Three: I could fawn all over myself trying to please her. Except I’m not a submissive and more importantly this wasn’t a negotiated scene. I did not consent to this. I will not play under those conditions.

Four: I can do what I did, which is see through the manipulation and decline to play further with a bad actor.

I know I’m emotional, seen often as sweet, and have no college degree. I point out the degree because she mentioned her 2 degrees. Perhaps that leads people to the conclusion that I am somehow less. Less intelligent, less perceptive, more prone to manipulation.

I don’t have a degree because regurgitating facts bores me. Because learning by rote is not my strength nor my desire. I’m seen as sweet because I genuinely like and care for the people I choose to associate with. It is not weakness. And emotional, well that is true but I see with my heart, my head and my intuition. I often just choose my heart.

It does floor me that someone who seemingly knows me would so underestimate me. I dislike being this angry about it but what can I say, I’m emotional.

A chair like no other

PelgrisLeave a comment

This is a chair incomparable.  It has lived through dark times. It served honorably in the great ottoman uprising of 2012 and was instrumental to the Fabulous New year’s eve party of 2014 that resulted in that riot everyone’s heard about.  In the last few days it has fallen on hard times.  A bleak depression overcame it and during a horrendous dust storm that covered the land from mountain to valley it was hurtled through the air and now sits damaged and desolate. In order to raise the funds necessary to see to it’s rehabilitation a gofundme has been created. Please give whatever you can.  Won’t someone please think of the children of future generations that will get to experience this wonder?

 

https://www.gofundme.com/mydearpatiochair

(this is a friends gofundme)

 

Who are these people?

Pelgris4 Comments

Every story I hear about how awful or boring or lackluster a sexual encounter is, I’m floored. I just can’t seem to grasp how someone could want to be less than good. How someone can be so focused on their own gratification that they don’t see to the desires of their partner. Even if it’s a one time deal.

Now, admittedly, I’m not great at vanilla aspects of love making. In a vanilla situation, what do I do with my hands? It causes me anxiety not knowing. Non vanilla and I’ll be pinching and squeezing. Hand at your throat, controlling your breathing. But vanilla? I’m lost.

Explicitly, you should always have other sensations occurring other than just my dick inside you. In vanilla that’s what? Hands running across your body? In my head, hands exploring is a sensual prelude not a main course.

With kink, there is a wide range of possibilities from light bondage, to discipline, to spanking, to pinwheels, to a wide range of toys, and on and on.

Vanilla just narrows the scope. There are likely people that excel at this narrow scope. Who provide an excellent experience. It’s not me. I’m not practiced at it. So, while I’ll be enthusiastic and attentive, I wouldn’t consider myself good.

But, I would do everything in my power to make sure you, my partner, have a good time. Just because I don’t consider myself good doesn’t mean that you will. You will probably see that some aspects weren’t great. But after two or three orgasms that leave you boneless, I hope you will at least remember me fondly.

The term ‘Bae’

Pelgris6 Comments

I don’t understand it. I get that it’s an acronym, but it’s used in ways that what it supposedly stands for is inaccurate. Supposedly stands for “before anyone else” or as a illiterate misspelling of baby. But the term seems to be used in contexts where it means “Beautiful as ever or everything”. As in he/she/it is so bae.

If it means the former, then I can only shrug my shoulders and say try to use a more meaningful term when describing those who are attractive or you have an emotional attachment to. Breathe costs nothing, and the right words at the right time could mean everything.

If it means the latter, then I take issue. Beautiful is not a term that should be used in every context to describe merely liking something. Beautiful means that this person/experience/thing has struck a resonating counterpoint in your soul, deep in your mind, in your heart. To reduce this to a acronym that is contextually used for like is blasphemy.

Or maybe it is used to describe beautiful but it feels like a cop-out. That by substituting a nonsense phrase you pull the teeth from the word instead of basking in the full words emotional context.

Each word has weight, has spin, has emotional context. To ignore that for cute, for simplicity, for expediency, is a foolish corruption of language. Perhaps this is an English speakers conceit. After all, this is a language that routinely mugs other languages and goes through their pockets for loose verbs.

As such it is always growing, evolving, changing. It has no set rules that are consistent. And as such we must be careful with how we manipulate the language. Maybe this is a rant only a poet or writer would care about. All I know is it was something I felt compelled to write at Three AM.