Woke up with a head full of pain and a heart full of turns
Dream lives of lonely and thirst
Of hopes found in destruction
Of ghosts made younger and love made whole
Spinning plate capitalism
Faster and faster
Before the shatter
Before instability robs us of even the illusion of control
Sad goosebump shiver
Brain flairs in pain
Followed into truth
False pretenses build bridges
The memory of a memory which itself flares into pain
Last pleasure stolen
Fateful illusion won’t you hold my hand
For want of you I’m dying by inches
Itching for command
Knowing the only command I’d give won’t be followed
Leadership dilemma
And behind it all
That bone deep ache we learn to bury
And a craving for lemon cake
Poems
All tomorrow’s become yesterday’s
It’s a new year
That’s what they say
A new year
Like the past is a slate wiped clean and what happened before can stop
Like the echoes that propel me forward have somehow lost momentum and I can just breathe for a second
A new year
What is that?
I remember a new year which I rang in party till dawn slightly tipsy remembered truths still wet on my lips
The year I started coming out
That night telling friends of friends and drinking and in the morning walking to my car and feeling that lightness of burdens dropped
A new year
Moments of perfect silence and perfect crystalline being that coincide with the calendars ending
A new year
Walking into the future as if each day weren’t a lifetime
As if each minute we choose not to speak, not to act, not to be weren’t themselves lifetimes drawn out as the moment glides past
As if yesterday wasn’t the future that I’m now living as if tomorrow weren’t the next beginning
A new year
Party if you wish and dance with yourself and bedamned to whether they are watching or not
Or snuggle in and hold them tight
Kiss softly, breathe deeply, love kindly
A new year
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Grey Sky rebirth
Cold belly ache haunts eyes left open for too long
Staring at the sun yearning for the fire which lurks so distant on the clear horizon
Translucent lips speaking words just beyond the reach of understanding
One more broken promise
Each phrase spoken as if by speaking oaths the world rearranges and makes truth
No effort but to place the burden of realization on others
No blame finds purchase because even the facade is fake and discarded lies pile up
Light a fire from your bones
You don’t need them
You’ve crawled already into a new husk
Taken up residence in someone else’s needs
Rotten promises smell sweet at first
The carapace hardens until the only option is to cut free
Blood dripping from knives made from your own flesh
Pieces left behind in the aftermath of rebirth
Shudder in the still quiet
Longing for warmth
Tantalizing promises
Of safety and heat
Better to freeze here free
than to squeeze self into shapes unnatural
To serve at the feet of a liar
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Six days to shed the dark
There is a song whose lyrics are ” l want you so badly my bones start to ache”. I’ve felt that destructive desire. That reckless, heedless rush of need which only cares for itself. It’s a fire that burns hot. Consuming all of the self in an effort to ignite the world. In a vain attempt to start a fire in the heart of another.
But I’ve been misremembering the lyris as “I love you so much my bones ache” because that is what the banked fire of love feels like when a smile or a word feeds oxygen to the flame and it ignites.
It’s like the singer was so close to the real. So close but so completely wrong. Love is a well tended flame. It doesn’t consume. It can’t. Instead it’s a nuclear reaction hitting the threshold needed for a sustained and steady force. Is it fire that can hurt? Fire that can burn? Does it hurt sometimes looking for a way to be expressed? Certainly. It’s the reaction at the heart of a star.
And like a star, it can last forever. I’ve found this to be a true thing. At least for me, and I am aware that I am…different. When I yield my control to love. Allow love past my defenses…past unbelief that I am worthy of love…past the pain of lost love…past dread of some future where the face of love wears disgust instead. When I do that, I love forever.
Like a runaway thermonuclear reaction.
Like a star.
I have burned many with that heat. There seems to be a limit to what most can stand. And yet somehow, love finds a way.
Maybe that matched fire is the only way. I’ve been looking for Earth’s when I needed a Sun.
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Even a broken voice can sing
Form dances in my heart
Each step twining us closer
How can you not hear our hearts beating
How can a smile cast out not be felt
As a palpable weight rushing along paths arcane to find its way to lips
Sitting in the quiet
Knowing we are found
Knowing at last
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Confused crow hops forward
Burned out, Burned through
Adrift without pain
Without skewers of flame scoring skin
Each day harder to wake
Each day harder to accept
Living after a hurricane
After tumultuous chaos with one new pain rising
Until silence and calm
Wishing to build something storm proof
Something grand
Hard to do with splintered wood
Hard to stop waiting for the storm to pass
To get up
To work on a future
Easier to give up and sink slowly into normal
Than to take the next step forward
Whatever that may be
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Broke palace ethics
This place is nonconducive to the joy of spaceflight
Joy in specific is absent
Also motivation beyond pay
Basically what we call rewarding work
Is a step beyond what we have
Instead settling for pay and the hope of vacation to places we can’t afford to love
Vacation spending always outshines daily and that means we get to live in a higher tax bracket where money doesn’t matter only joy
It’s no wonder we love those days away which come carefree because the bill sits on the horizon rather than paid in full
Living in the moment and without care
How could we not conflate place with joy when it’s really the luxury of not needing to worry which makes it all better
If we could live as we choose doing work we love
Work that challenges but also drives
If we felt seen and cared for
We might not feel so trapped
If life didn’t cost so much to sustain
We might live a life more enduring
Instead of scramble
Instead of the slow bleed
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Failed state blues
Droplet by droplet time shifts
Each change imperceptible and irrevocable
Spending minutes enriching others as we sink deeper into debt
The economics of survival forcing stress
Shortening our lives and compressing pleasure to the razors edge
Intensity needful to carve one more day from the bloated carcass of dreams passed down
Made illusory by the promise of growth and altruism
Enlightened self interest
Hard to make it when you only need to bump that stock price to jump from the burning building
Safe with a bonus
Dodging the screams and too still silence of the shattered hope for a tomorrow better than yesterday
Priced out of prosperity
Peered at through glass doors
Locked
But with instructions written to the side
First, be born wealthy
Second, comform
Lock picks available for a steep fee
One hundredth of a hundredth percent making it out
Lauded by the machinations of wealth
Media owned by the system
Always with the pointed reminder
“It’s your own fault you aren’t prosperous, see this guy, he made it out, it’s easy, just work hard”
Grinding our self down against the blade
Spent to make another sharp
Living in the beginning of a failing state
Economic collapse disguised as the rise and fall of fortune
So hard to see when worried about the price of shelter
Several generations worse off than the one before
And still they cry we didn’t make this situation
This isn’t the result of decades of the dissolution of protections to keep the greedy from plundering the public good
No, you’re just too lazy
Not hungry enough to revolt is the reality
But we’re getting there
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Sorrow is a language of love
The sky weeps for the passing of beauty
Ripped from this world by terror
Asleep in the belief of safety
Content
But waking in pain
In fear
Looking into the face of one’s god
Pleading for succor
But there are limits on us all
And so we weep
And the brothers who hunt the land eternal
Rage as sight is blurred and torn from us
Stand vigil in the windswept madness
Of a pain
Neverending
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A moment quiet enough to kiss
Small sounds escape lips
Tongue dips and dashes
Dance behind closed eyes
That first devouring of you
Our uncertain touch
Becoming more real
As seconds pass without air
But with the mana of your flesh
A sacred union of love made physical
Joined in joy
In desire
In safety
In calm water truths
Not of perfection
But of seeking to know
In caress and sigh
In halted steps and hesitant words
The loudness of your breath against me
The fast beat of our hearts
And the surety
Of being seen
And found
Pelgris 