Not all branches that blossom bear fruit

I was thinking that the thing I miss most about K was that when I was with her, I slept. Every night, I slept as soon as my head hit the pillow to the time I had to wake. And wake I did. Before the time of my alarm. Which I stopped setting. Because waking up meant seeing her. She factored hugely into whether I’d call in sick or take a vacation day. Hint: I mostly did neither unless I was on death’s door.
And yes, the sleep thing is the largest piece. The one with the most impact on my day to day well being.

But…
It’s not what I miss most. Not really. Not sleeping is a lifestyle I am well acquainted with. No. What I miss is the casual flirting we engaged in that was anything but casual. The smiles and knowing looks. Her laugh.
Her, basically, all of her.

And it can’t be the same. After. I wish it could be. It might be. I don’t know. I just know that casual flirting is never really casual with me, so the road back to that…I don’t know how to chart that course.

It wasn’t an acrimonious ending, so it’s not like I’m trying for something she doesn’t want. Casually flirty is ok. I checked how she wanted to proceed. Because of course I did(a good friend of mine would say it’s the Dominant in me. That I have to explain, check, then explain again. My friends right, in that it’s my nature.(double explain, lol))

My heads not in a poetry place right now. And that’s ok. Lots of thinking to do. And wondering about what was and what might be? Well, I’d say they are right in my wheelhouse.

Nightmares are also dreams Part 23

Some heavens are found when we give in to our desires.

I’ve tried to make this day about control and the measured step by step of needs building until the pressure itself became an agony. It would have been a masterwork. But watching my Tara play with my Sara…the gentle torture of pleasures inflicted.

The soft kisses and gentle caress of fingertips. The sounds of bodies moving against each other and soft silk. The smell of sweat. Musk saturating the cool afternoon. Faint but detectable, for one whose smelled this heady mixture before.

I sit saddle style against the chair I brought for Tara. Arms resting on the chair back. Soft smile tugging mouth upward.

I don’t know if I’m the one who is changing or we are all growing together. I wonder if my current line of work, taking me away from cold planning and corporate maneuvering, and back into the field…if somehow with my blood lust sated, I want only gentle things.

I look up from my minds wander to see Sara looking at me, her blindfold discarded in the tumult. I see her. And know that pleasure is never enough for her. And seeing her see me, my fire wakes from dormancy. She kindles my flame as she ever has. And in our shared fire, my mind tracks to the sound of ragged gasping.

While others might take the sight of two beautiful women making love to be enough for desire…I know something so simple and without that black edge of control and pain, will never be enough. Not for me. Not for Sara.

And while Tara is made of gentler things, still, her joy on my leash…she has a place with us. Her fox to our wolves.

“Tara,” I say, “get up please. It is time for me to play.”

Stiff knee soliloquy

You’ll never be here watching me sleep
Days passing by
Cuddled under my raven blanket
Sad songs singing through my bedroom
You’ll never see my hand kneed the soft cat sleeping next to me
The rise and fall
Breathing in and out
Never see my arm hugged around a pillow
Thrown wide at an odd angle
Remembering what it was to sleep near another
Never know that my dreams are of you
And when I wake
To music and white stucco ceilings
Tears and absence will be my companion
And a cat and penguin
And words
Said into silence

Explaining an explanation

Give me those moments where certainty is clear
Where all the shadows and scales fall from the eyes
Where paths are unshrouded and truths are spoken

This fulfillment of purpose
Of seeking
Of the situation broken and bloody
Looking at me

My arms are open
Mind focused
Seeing you

I’ll guide you should you allow it
You are mine

Torn Asunder 10.3

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Torn Asunder 10.2

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Torn Asunder 10.1

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Bit of mustard, spot of mutton

Those seconds we spend
Lost in the shadows of knowing
The pain of tomorrow
Those waves of future eroding the shore of now
Ocean depositing sand
Taking away is
Leaving might be
No way forward to a future
All roads obscured
Dancing on turned ankles
Entangled in webs
Cutting free for the fall
No safety but for the missing touch of hand
Absent smiles
Leaf flies
Not knowing its ending
But it soars