Not all branches that blossom bear fruit

I was thinking that the thing I miss most about K was that when I was with her, I slept. Every night, I slept as soon as my head hit the pillow to the time I had to wake. And wake I did. Before the time of my alarm. Which I stopped setting. Because waking up meant seeing her. She factored hugely into whether I’d call in sick or take a vacation day. Hint: I mostly did neither unless I was on death’s door.
And yes, the sleep thing is the largest piece. The one with the most impact on my day to day well being.

But…
It’s not what I miss most. Not really. Not sleeping is a lifestyle I am well acquainted with. No. What I miss is the casual flirting we engaged in that was anything but casual. The smiles and knowing looks. Her laugh.
Her, basically, all of her.

And it can’t be the same. After. I wish it could be. It might be. I don’t know. I just know that casual flirting is never really casual with me, so the road back to that…I don’t know how to chart that course.

It wasn’t an acrimonious ending, so it’s not like I’m trying for something she doesn’t want. Casually flirty is ok. I checked how she wanted to proceed. Because of course I did(a good friend of mine would say it’s the Dominant in me. That I have to explain, check, then explain again. My friends right, in that it’s my nature.(double explain, lol))

My heads not in a poetry place right now. And that’s ok. Lots of thinking to do. And wondering about what was and what might be? Well, I’d say they are right in my wheelhouse.

Why am I crying when I wake up at 2am,parsing dreams

The truth is, I’m not better. I always declare myself better before I actually am. Like saying it makes it true. Like living that lie, while parts of me weep and wallow, while some thoughts still wreck me and leave me weeping in public spaces is somehow the path out instead of in.

I still think about what I did wrong, even if it’s the nothing you said. I think that I should have said, let me help you work it out. I guess the only explanation I have is that I felt like you had withdrawn consent. Which means, to me, full stop. Accept and move on.

Maybe I’m supposed to chase.
And while I tell myself I don’t, I do. But not when I perceive consent is withdrawn. In that case, I am a man on the shore, forever waiving to the ships that only dock seldom, and always, always leave.