Every word read cuts like a knife through flesh made tender by the pounding of fists
Glances through doorways during meetings sends the mind tailspinning through all the possibilities of what they are saying about me
And I know that these words weren’t written about me…probably
And I know that those glances are an attempt at distraction during a boring meeting…most likely
But feeling isn’t logic and pain doesn’t care why
It Wraps its chains and drags one down making each step harder
Until sleep is both the enemy and the only retreat
Until longing for arms to hold me gives me pause and exhaustion forces its way in and into cold plunges of water which mask the symptoms
“You’re looking better…”
For now, for now but sleep is the liar
And too much breaks the will as easily as too little
And blood on the water has the sharks circling
Author: Pelgris
This may be hubris or futile
I don’t know if this applies to anyone reading this
Or if I even have the right
But I’m in a position to say it so it’s my responsibility
If he or she(they, etc) harms you, you have my permission and my hope that you leave.
That you go and find someplace safe. That you seek out what help is available and you go.
I know it’s not my place or even if it will do any good but know that you are better than the person inflicting you with trauma and you, in no way, deserve whatever harm is occurring.
You deserve a life free from fear, free from harm.
No one has the right to harm you. No one has the right to physical or mentally torture you.
If you are waiting for someone to say, leave. To be given instruction to go. Then this is it. Go. Leave and never go back.
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The press of blade, knows the delicious taste of the cut
One touch is never enough
Whether of the mind or flesh
You’ll dwell in me forever
And forever I’ll crave in quiet moments
In solace and solitude
For your sighs and taste and screams
sweet memories of gentle caress
Transform into deep desire and unsated float
Mark with teeth
And scream
Mine
Mine
Mine
But I know
It’s not true
And instead I write
Quivering
Shivering
With unquenchable need
You kindled a spark in heart and mind
Now desire burns in bonfire blaze
Slow eyes and wicked smile
Say yes, that we may begin
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Song of the Day
My people hopefully know who they are. But in case they were wondering, this is how I feel.
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Eyes burn, hand goes numb, nothing left but to stand
Sleep
It’s all I have
And still I avoid it
I feel the pain of waking
And my heart hurting
Hours pass until exhaustion
Until it’s too late
The world is spinning
Obligations
The day starts
They don’t see
Don’t know
They look at me
Acting like they care
Can’t believe them
So easy to lie
So easy to see
The thing is
I give chances out of the gate
I trust until trust is broken
But broken once
It’s never repaired
Reforged links are never as strong
But here I am putting off what might have saved me
Instead walk in
Tired
Without safety
Wondering if I can save me
But I never have before
Instead lost in my own way
Stumbling for hearts too distant to see me
We run through the darkness
Hoping for light
But when it comes we find our way blind
Making the mistake that sends us back to its lack
And sleep
Too little
Too late
They say you have to save yourself
But if I could I would have
I’m just a whispered memory
Lost in false reverie
Fueled by a pain too ephemeral to be embraced
Last mistakes
Mounting higher until we break
Funny how it’s all about the money
Spent to survive, to get through the days
Until we break and what’s left?
To walk away
To die starving
Or embrace the eternal dark
The last home
When all other sanctuary is lost
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When dreams teach(lucid dreams are weird)
At first the dream was like playing a video game. Like a really immersive rpg. I was rolling through completing objectives when I came to a fire level and I cast a ultra powerful blizzard spell which froze the entire world. This was all taken from bits and pieces of my last couple of days. For instance, the blizzard was something I saw on a TV show.
This is where it takes a turn, but still(I’m reading a detective story) consistent. I’m now a sheriff in a small town in the middle of a blizzard but I can still cast spells.
I think all of this is just framework until she steps into frame. I can’t describe her because she’s always been there, if that makes sense. We are working on a case and at some point we begin joking and we are forced to go on the run. But before that I mention burial rituals of South American indigenous people having similarities to what we were doing (burying her uncle so that he mummified, I don’t know…dreams) and she looks at me, like really looks and I see her and only her and I exist. We walk off the dig site and it is several months later and we are in a mall or gallery? There are kiosks but also it’s a college campus? Anyway, she pulls me into a kiss then asks who this woman down the way is who is looking at us in horror and tears.
I turn around and it’s an ex of mine. Actually someone I had almost married. (all of which knowledge seems to burst into my mind, having not known it before the moment I needed to)
I say that’s my ex, and I’m kinda pissed because the way she’s acting it’s like I betrayed her when she’s the one who left me. I say, She dumped me pretty quickly when she found out that I don’t want kids.
And I looks at this woman I’m now dating and I see the disappointment in her eyes. Then there is shooting and we are running again and I’m explaining while we run my reasons and she says, can we just put that discussion on pause until the crisis is over? We will figure it out together.
All the while I’m babbling that I might change my mind but I’ve never heard an argument which would counter my own beliefs and she looks at me with a wicked smile and says no worries, I already have kids and I was just worried you would reject me because of that, and I’m baffled because, the answer is of course that doesn’t bother me.
And it just clicked, like duh, this is what is needed. Someone willing to fight for us, who wants to explore and learn and change. Not someone who leaves at the first sign of trouble. Someone willing and wanting to have these discussions even though we are both vulnerable and maybe going to be hurt.
Then we hop in a gunship and flying out of there while under fire and I send someone whose been with us for awhile but in the background to man the .50 cal.
Then I wake up
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The soft eternal lies of dreams, aching
I have this dream. Again and again. Where we are entwined naked. We are looking into each other’s eyes and you reach your hand between us and take my cock in your hand. I feel myself harden and grow with your simple touch. You guide my cock slowly into your soft wetness. Slowly, I disappear agonizing and slow. I feel you around me. I dip my head down and press my lips to yours. The touch wakes our need and we devour each other. Tongues sliding over and tasting each other. We exist in these slow agonizing moments of pleasure. My heart, my love, my girl. Until I wake, warm bed. Lost and alone. There is only memories and hopes. Adrift in the world. Looking for that perfect moment of connection. When we are fierce and unafraid. When our only thought is each other. When we belong in the moment. To each other.
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Observe, act, check, repeat
When I meet and interact with someone I automatically am taking in their mannerisms. I listen to what they say, how they say it, and the bits of truth they give about themselves in normal conversations which are small and without seeming significance. What I’m consciously and subconsciously doing is building a picture of who the person is. Not just on what they say but what they do, how they move with and through the world.
That’s all ongoing. So when I ask someone out, while I may not know the specifics about the person, I do know them. So it will then seem as if I fall in love quickly. Like “I don’t even know you”, but really I knew enough that I would risk my heart.
I also think that monogamistic thinking plays a role here. In monogamistic thinking, if someone loves you then they are placing you at the pinnacle of their heart with no room for anything else. That’s a scary focal point to be at.
But here’s the thing. I’m poly. And while I may not be with multiple partners being poly is more than a lifestyle choice, at least for me. Like being pansexual, it is a orientation. My brain and thought processes function differently. When I love, yes I love completely, but there is no pinnacle. You are in my heart, surrounded by my love, and while I can be laser focused, it works better when my focus is diffuse.
I suppose what I’m saying is that my thought processes follow patterns which may seem familiar. Ones which may remind you of some past experience. And I won’t say that the experience is wrong, but I will say that when dealing with individuals and not trends, it is better to be aware both of internal bias and the knowledge that false positives will be present.
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Flares burn as brightly as fireworks
There comes a point where you realize that the person you want most in your life, won’t be. Much as you may click and even keep in touch, that extra few steps from maybe to yes are just never going to happen. For me that means that I accept what is. If we are friends then I’m all in on the friendship. If we are acquaintances then I imagine we will fade until we are just memories to each other and the occasional birthday wish on social media.
It’s tough realizing the person who was your person will never be the one you hold safe in your arms. Times passing and it seems like you have forever until you wake up and see what behind is more than what’s ahead. Maybe then, you settle. I can’t know. I instead wait. And dream. And write.
I’ll stop hoping but never stop planning. Stop dreaming but never stop the dream. When you glimpse each others hearts, it already too late to back out. Even if you will never be.
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Torn Asunder 15.1
Please visit the site to hear the audio
Pelgris 