Hoping not to mortgage any future I may aspire to

Fantasies. We all have them. Some are pleasant and diverting. Some sexual and arousing. Some dark and deadly. But some are dangerous.

The ones I fimd most dangerous are the ones that seem tangible. The ones that could be. Often, these are the fantasies which do the most damage.

That dream of better furniture. Better car. Better computer. Better clothes. It all mounts up and we can convince ourselves that going into debt for these things is a good thing. That these things will make our lives better. I’ve been there. I’ve bought the nice thing. Hell, even enjoyed the nice thing. But the debt of it dragged on me. It made and still makes my life harder.

Now. I don’t indulge on the fantasy of the possible. I still have hopes. Still dream of better. But I don’t project myself into that dream. Don’t try to force that future into shape. Hoping that by having I’ll be happy. Mostly. I’m still human. Looking forward, looking back. To a tomorrow a little bit better than today. Trying not to sabotage my future, by leveraging my present, to aquire a few baubles.

No matter how much they call to me.

Thoughts on debt as societal currency

I wonder why, on acceptance by some group or another, people feel the need to thank them for it. To thank them for inclusion.

For myself, I may apply for acceptance, but that is as far as I will go. You will include me or not as you choose but I am no fawning sycophant, to bow and scrape because you deign to acknowledge me.

I set the tone, I start the dance, I stand tall included or not. I do not bow or grovel for your acceptance.

Perhaps you consider it polite. However, as a societal gesture, the thank you for inclusion is one of subservience.

I ask, you allow and we walk as equals.

I ask, you allow, I thank you for the privilege and I have have setup a subtext that I needed your permission.

I may act as a guest should, on acceptance, but to allow the power dynamic to subtly shift without acknowledging that it has, is foolish. By thanking them, you are acknowledging a debt, however slight.

Debts are treacherous things. Sometimes, you want to be in someone’s debt. Because as long as you are, as long as the marker is not called in, they have a vested interest in your wellbeing. At least, insomuch, as calling in the marker fits into future plans or as a safety net. But, In debt to one who refuses to be repaid and you are on treacherous ground.

Of course, this presupposes that you, at least, are honorable and acknowledge and accept your debts. As a honorable person, I am always looking at the scales to determine where honorable action to move towards balance lays.

The only exception is in the case of those I love. Who, in effect, I owe and am owed infinity. There is no action I won’t take for someone I love. The only determining factor is, is it the correct action in that moment.