You’re so close but I can’t touch you
So near but I can’t have you
I miss you when you aren’t here
Miss you every minute
But you’ve said you can’t
So I sit
Stuck between my need
My want
And the choices that aren’t mine to make
Month: December 2016
Talking to people
Talking to people on without the benefit of face to face contact is difficult for me. Not while. As long as there is back and forth, that’s fine. Not while, after. After, I feel a profound sense of loss or disconnect. Because I want to talk more about the conversation. I want a few more minutes of human connection and, because of how I experience things, an intense desire to hold and be held. To lock the memory into my mind. To celebrate a few minutes of intellectual contact with an hour or two of physical contact. I suppose it’s all a part of what I miss. That desire never goes away. Is never sated. It just shows itself in stark relief against the background of nonphysical relationships. I almost wish the purely nonphysical intellectual and emotional relationships I do have, were enough. That I didn’t need or could suppress the need for the physical. But then, that would hardly be true to myself.
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Intertwined
For I shall kneel at the altar of shadows
And dance amidst dappled pools of light
I shall drink from the cup of the ages
And sing with the choir of night
I supp at the table of wisdom
and tumble into dawns cold grace
I have slipped deeper into submission
and slept in her razor embrace.
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Remember me
Times passage
bound for glorious revolt
seeping wounds
give way to scars
aching in the winter chill
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Song for the Day
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Relationship Games
I suppose it comes down to this. I am willing to play games, to see if a relationship with you will be worth it, but at the end of about a month I’m done and I want to know what we are doing. I’m ok with fun times and casual whatever. But I want to know that is what we are. And I will keep looking if that is all that you want. But the games stop. And if you decide that you just want to be good friends, brace yourself for a bit of culture shock. I don’t treat my friends, even my good friends, the way that I treat lovers and potential lovers. Not that I treat them badly, but they get less of me. Less of my time, less of my attention, just less. I’m perfectly willing to be friends with ex’s but I find that they don’t want that, not really. When they say they want friendship, they mean they want the same level of access as I give lovers, but without actually being with me. I don’t do that. It is unfair to the people who are with me. And before you think I am cheating on anyone, no, I don’t do that. I am not exclusive with anyone, their choice. I prefer inclusive polyamory. But I can do exclusive, just no one ever asks for that with me. Perhaps I should be a bit offended, or not, who can say?
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Dream on a lazy Sunday
I dreamed I was living in the City. This time it was a combination of New York and Seattle. I was on an extended vacation. I had been spending more and more time there. I was there with my friend KJ and with Jessica, who was in my last dream. KJ and Jessica were living there. I was there for 3 weeks. I was crashing with Jessica because there’s no way I afford a hotel for that long. We would talk and hang out. We were at a open floor bar having mojitos, my favorite vacation drink. I confessed my intention to move to the City. Jessica told me about a job interview where the position was with a small company. The boss was the interviewer and he was a oversharer. He was demonstrating his singing for some reason and she laughed with incredulity. He got red faced angry and kicked her out.
She said it was expensive to live there. We drank our drinks and walked out. I glanced away for a second and they were both gone. KJ, I expected him to wander off. But when she disappeared it like I became lost in the city minutes before I had felt at home enough that I wanted to stay. Then my calf siezed in a Charlie horse and I woke up.
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Black sand beaches
There’s a hole in my heart
From it spills sand
Draining across oceans
Bringing me to you
I wander
I seek
I find you
But not you
They each shake their head
And walk away
Taking with them bits of sand
There’s a hole in my heart
And I can’t find you
Perhaps you will wander to me,
Looking for a place to stay
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Song for the day
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Brighid’s Eyes
This is the recording of the song Brighid’s Eyes. It is the song that got me into songwriting and really started me back on the path of writing Poetry. This is only the vocals. The Backing is written for a bassist with space for another instrument but I haven’t been able to coordinate with my bassist to record it. To be fair she is in 2 other bands one of which is getting a bit popular locally. Check them out here if you are interested: https://www.facebook.com/heartlessbartons/
Anyway this is the Song:
Pelgris 