Watching me spin out isn’t much fun. I know. I thank anyone who likes one of those posts. Sometimes they are good and sometimes I’m just riding the ragged edge between madness and sanity. Thank you for sticking around.
Month: November 2016
Set back after setback
There is a point where I can feel you letting me go and I scrabble for purchase but I can’t quite hold on to you. And I say you like you are the only one to do this but I have become so familiar with this that I can feel it happening. I feel you slipping away from me and I don’t know how to hold on to you and I don’t know if there is something I’m not saying that keeps you walking away. This isn’t a novel. I don’t know the words to say that tells you to stay. I don’t know the action to take that convinces you. If I did, I would have said it, done it. But you, you, you. It’s each person who has drifted away from me. What am I doing or not doing that causes or contributes to this? Maybe I seem fun and simple but then you get to know me and I’m complex, maybe you are good with that too, then I hit a day of too little sleep and too much stress and all my emotions start racing around and I bottle it up, trying to hold it together and you ask what’s wrong, not taking my honesty pledge seriously enough, and I say everything that is eating at me and it’s like standing in front of a sandblaster. And I’m immediately regretful and I try to put us back together but now I don’t have anything to stand on but this quicksand because I know I fucked up but feel like I didn’t. That this maelstrom is a part of me, and I have to work with yours, why don’t you have to work with mine. I’m not uncomplicated, not simple, not easy. I don’t know how to get you from the slow crawl of beginning to nestled close to my heart. I don’t know how we can get there. And I am so tired of trying and failing. The people that love me but not romantically say that a person is out there, but that’s not what I feel. I feel like my person is gone, she’s not coming back. I feel like I acted with care and love and it wasn’t enough. Each time it’s not enough. I keep trying, because that’s what I am built for but, each time, it’s like a new stab wound. My heart reels back trying to heal and my mind tries to figure out what the misstep was. It never ends.
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Emotional shotgun: Poetry edition
Why follow me
Lead through the mists of my own dissolution, disillusion
Lost in the loves I can’t quite reach
The ones never quite enough
Like a pincushion of blades
Each support the other
Pull one to watch me fall apart
Watch me as I eat my feelings
All to keep me from buying that shotgun
And finally going through with silent plans
Follow me?
I can only lead you to dark places
Where cries and screaming, sobs
Break the too still silence
And that’s on a good day
When planning fails to give way to plotting
It’s not a solution, but it is, isn’t it
When you believe in a afterlife and you won’t be judged for walking away
It’s the peace of not being
But I have my fear to keep me here
My fear that I am seconds from finding her or him and I just need to stick it out
They say you have to love yourself first, well I like myself, love maybe but here’s the thing about they say
THEY don’t know shit
Time heals all wounds? Bullshit spouted by the delusional and the optimistic that have never been wounded deeply.
There’s someone for everyone? What if my someone is dead or speaks Mandarin and lives in rural China? Bullshit
It’s a cakewalk of platitudes when you’re looking for answers
Or maybe just a place to lay your head
And a hand to hold, lips to kiss
And words to say
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Some information
The simple fact is that I can be a hard man to get to know. The superficial things all speak to a deeper need that I am unlikely to share willingly, without resentment, early on. And I lead with my heart. If I can see you, be around you regularly, then I can temper the desires, the passions, that burn through me.
Fires you are unlikely to note at first. My face is schooled. My expressions minute. I smile but only when ecstatic. Otherwise, note the crinkly around my eyes. That’s me smiling. If I’m nervous, I can seem cold and distant, especially if I don’t know what you want.
If you want to take things physical, tell me. My consent meter is dialed to 11. If there is not clear, often verbal, consent I will not act. I will not touch you without your consent. If you say no, or stop. I will immediately back off.
I tell few stories about the past. I can talk for days about fictional characters or what and who I’m writing, but a funny anecdote is unlikely. Tell me your stories, I’ll listen. I want to hear them all. I’ll try to share relevant details of my own. I have a sense of humor but it’s dark and I’m more given to the one liner or double entendre than a joke.
I love hard. And will never let you go in my heart. But I will let you go, if that is your desire. I want the people I love to be happy. If that’s not with me, I’ll be sad, but I prefer you to be happy. Just talk to me. Allow me the opportunity to sway you, or the dignity to let you go.
I am a BDSM switch, predominantly master. That is a part of who I am. It is not a game I play. If you are a submissive, I will treasure you. I rule through pleasure, care and love. We all have our own speeds, teach me yours. I’m flexible.
I’ve done things, been places, met people. I’ve been around the block. I will surprise you, if you allow that you don’t know how I will react. Very often, it’s not how you would expect.
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The awareness of skin
A touch to be free
spun sugar
dance
make love,
Feel my hand
My heartbeat
Caged in feigned innocence
Last flutter
Sipping bird takes flight
Lost in the shallows
A touch away from madness
All I want is you
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Planting
A little doubt starts it
An irritant, a nothing
Then desire, unrequited
Jealousy, heartache, hope,
joy, crash, euphoria,
experience, finding, losing
It all wraps around that seed of doubt
Tight and tighter
Hollow in the pit of the stomach
Ache in the chest
Quiet despair
A slope ending in ending
Something Breaks it open
Shatters the form
It all falls away…
Leaving the tiny seed of doubt
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Raven girl
She moves
A grace of coltish charm
Full of restrained energy
Her raven hair
Sets mind to light
Though heart may join soon after
Her lips do bide
Not far from mine
Sparks and other choices
My voice to her
My passion turns
And I, Say Always
Love’s choice made
Bittersweet
But filling
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Duskly dying
Last gasp of day
Giving itself to the moon
A long held friend
Bound for simpler things
Without a compass
Or business plan
Guided by a heart
Full of love
And pain
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In the face of potential disaster
We love who we love. You may not understand why I love the people I do. Or how that love manifests itself. But it is love.
You cannot fix me. I am not broken.
You cannot outlaw me. I have tasted freedom.
You cannot remove my rights. I will fight.
I have loved regardless of gender.
I have loved people.
I have loved individuals.
I love now.
I will love in the future.
I am not alone. We are not alone.
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You’re comfortable in your misery
Inflicted by silences
Taken for granted
A punishment for long ago pains
actions aren’t punishable forever
Words spoken, of forgiveness, not matched with action
Need this slot you fill rather than needing you
Why you put up with it is a mystery
Guilt he never lets you forget
Abandoned, silence, neglect
Bought a nice toy to perpetuate the myth
All is well, remember what you did.
Embraced by dark emotions, captured by them
Remember the light
Don’t fall for the allure of the comfortable
Just because the pains aren’t physical
Doesn’t mean it’s not abuse.
Pelgris 