The past bears down, a blood tide churning up bones. The weight of it it squeezes me. Wrings me out, tears flowing. Suppressed here, where weakness or the perception of weakness would destroy my carefully crafted edifice. I feel like I’m flying apart, locked down. Isolation required before the inevitable crumble of will. It squeezes my heart, these days leading to anniversary. Ten years gone and I still can’t let you go.
Month: August 2015
Take me to church
So Take me to church by Hozier is apparently about being gay while being Catholic. I always thought it was a song about about a BDSM slave worshipping his master. There is the off chance that I’ve been in the life for too long.
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New Podcast: Prehistoric Fish?
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A year passes
The waters are stilling now. ripples from her dropping into the lake of me with the violent Splash Kerthunk of a boulder. Drifting to the bottom stirring the settled depths. Amidst turmoil and change, to be back round again. In the same place, lamenting choices taken and not. She stirred me up then gone like ghost. A memory only. The possible writ large. Crumbling in the quiet. Then a love so mental it consumed my mind, a key given to one who chose to not open the lock. A series of missteps, then a physical fire consumed and consuming. Extinguished before it could flame out. Then a mistake. Harsh lessons, and I settle in for Winter. The banshee wind howls outside my fireplace warmed room. The first snows are falling. And all my searching comes round to this empty.
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Golden age
I love this world. For all of it’s flaws, it is a unique opportunity. We are connected in ways we have never been connected. I can learn from the scholars of the past and present easily,without the barrier of the need to travel to them.
And people are opening up about their innermost thoughts and sharing it with the world wide. Most people have one or two profound thoughts rattling around. It could be the same thought for many but the phrasing could be slightly different and that will click with you. You’ll learn something, something you never knew or thought about. Something, even 50 years ago would have required riches or power to access.
We live in an age of wonders. And not just the obvious of flight. Though flight and more importantly it’s availability as a tool for relatively inexpensive and quick travel, have a profound effect.
Think about this, for most of history we have been limited by what we could know. What the people around you know and maybe what the people in the next town over know. Information traveled slowly if at all. And with information comes connection.
I know things about the world in a casual way that, in the past, would have been the sole provenance of scholars. Think about this, most people where I live own a mode of transportation that allows them to travel vast distances in a short amount of time. It would be like if all the people in 18th century London owned a horse. And I do mean all.
We live in a fast and wonderful world. One I stand in awe of every day. The vast sweeping change that we have accomplished and the speed at which this change is sweeping forward. It’s not a perfect world, but as long as we move forward, it’s getting there. Maybe not in this lifetime, but there will be wonders.
Take some time to appreciate the opportunity we have, living in the free first world. Unprecedented access to art and science and more importantly each other than has ever been possible. Some of the best people I know live in Finland, Sweden, Denmark, England, Australia and more.
I’ve never met them in person but we talk daily. Mostly about games or entertainment but occasionally about the innermost workings of our minds. These are people I would never have met otherwise and with whom I feel connected. We live in a golden age. Take advantage of it.
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Who we can be
We say “If there was any justice…” as a way of saying that there isn’t any. And there isn’t. The world is a vicious place without mercy or justice. Because we invented those concepts, so any justice or mercy must be enacted by us.
If you find the world to be unjust, then do all that you can to correct that. As those that have husbanded the concept into being it is on us to act in its best interest.
We cannot allow ourselves to give up agency to an uncaring world or condemn each other to live in that world. We act. We are the predominant sentient specie. It is our responsibility to see justice, mercy, and honor flourish.
I’ll admit, I’m not built for the task. But none of us are. We can hide our eyes from truth or we can accept this.
You don’t need to radically change your life. Commit to helping one person each day. Act with mercy, be justice in an unjust world, live a life of honor. This is hard. But do this a single time each day? You can do it, we all can.
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Paying
Do not pay council to your fantasies.
Those honey drenched daydreams whispering their sweet lies. Candy coated what ifs that elevate your grey mundane and ordinary existence to technicolor. They drip like venom in the ear. Poisoning the joy of what is with what may be. Turn tangible success into ashes made bitter.
The person who said they’re not interested? They’re not interested. The scenario where you get back at your boss? Not gonna happen.
Let go your day by day fantasies. Fill those moments of false flag emotions with someone or something real. Or let it all drift away.
But whatever you do, Do not pay council to your fantasies. They are just as destructive as your fears.
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Struggle to wake
Summer morning into mourning
In twisting and yearning
Struggle to present the smallest of faces
To keep from knocking on your door
Your passionless castle
A cane to my back
As I hopelessly fall
I scrabble against high walls
Clinging in hope
This shadow is burning
Soon there’ll be no place to hide
Only yearning but falling apart
Pelgris 