Feeble attempts to see past the brink
Past the bullets
Past the gun in my hand
And the sad strains of music meant to break reality
The feel of the muzzle to the left of breastbone
Cold and welcome
Finger waits outside the guard
A small step from freedom
Tethers frayed and only one more choice to make
The slow beat of a heart long splintered
No fear, only regret of the journey not taken.
I can never leave well enough alone. I always push, always want more than is there to be had. Some of that comes from a deep feeling that every person I truly care for is going to leave me. If they see the part of me they’ll hate, they’ll leave. Or instead, I choose to associate with people who don’t want me, or are taken in some way. Be it their own lives, their relational entanglements, or their mental state. And if, by some miracle, I find someone who likes me, I will push and push for more and more until they have no choice but to walk away or sacrifice their own sanity, which I’ll see and walk away to save them. I don’t know how to stop this. I think I’ve learned, each time and each time I fuck up. Now, the fuck ups are all a little different. But, they are variations on the theme. The happier I am, the more likely I am to self sabotage.
The other part comes from seeing myself as a monster. For the things I’ve done and the things I’m capable of. For who could love a monster, such as I. And if you could, why? Pity? Martyrdom? I won’t have love from either.
At the end of the day, I’m fucked up. And despite how much less fucked up I am now, as compared to when I started this journey, I still have a long road. A long road I fear I’ll never see the end of.
I’m delusional. Thinking that if I can just wait long enough, hold on long enough, you’ll somehow be waiting on the other side of your personal maelstrom. Waiting, looking for me. I don’t know if I can do that. If there were some indication that you wanted me, just not right now, while your traversing the jungle of your mind. I’d probably, look for you. I’d wait. Because right now I can’t stop looking for your smile or a response I know will never come. I’m delusional, not stupid.
I worry when you are not there, hoping you are alright, hoping you feel better, hoping you stay. Even if its not with me. Just stay. This world is worth the time. Whatever rest or oblivion you think is coming, can wait. This time, this place, these people around you, all unique in the universe. Take advantage, find joy, find something that lasts for more than a few hours.
Pleasure is great. Everyone knows I’m an advocate for pleasures dark and light and everywhere in between. But it doesn’t last, you always need more. Find the small moments of joy. The beauty you can carry with you. You’ve made it clear you don’t want me on that journey with you. Which means I’m sad, bleak, bereft but I hope you can find the path to joy without me. I love you enough to watch you walk away. I just want what you are walking to to be everything I would have helped you achieve, every experience and idea I could offer, and whatever the other things I don’t have that you are looking for.
I want you to feel the opposite of what I feel now, eyes blurred with tears. I want that for you. You deserve that joy. Seek it.