Between the time we last spoke and the time we next speak are the scariest moments. Because in that time I can’t know what is happening. I know you take care of yourself and from all evidence seem to be a badass. But the relief I feel when I next hear from you is palpable. Like a weight that had slowly settled on my shoulders and heart becomes lifted and thus I am buoyant.

Do other people feel that way? Is that a weird thing to think? I’ve gotten to a point where what I feel is so close to the surface that nothing feels abnormal. Heightened yes but not abnormal and it seems no one talks about the fear.

Or is it that it is normal to drown in so much fear that perceiving one fear from another impossible so it becomes this low level hum that is with you but you don’t know the why’s of it. I, of course, like that thought because if that’s the case then that makes what I do exceptional. But it seems like that is pure arrogance.

I’m the type of guy who sees someone they love sleeping and must watch for a minute to confirm to themselves that their love still breathes. I can’t just pass by. I must confirm it for myself. Sometimes, I will touch someone who I love just to confirm that they are real. Because I can’t quite believe it. I think that is an odd thought. But is it? Or is it that I admit that is why, at least one reason why, I do it?