Spent casing memories
Softly raining down to the wet earth
A thousand rounds per minute
Trying to overwhelm
Hard fought equilibrium
Easier to push them aside until I can’t move, waste deep in wasted ammunition
These rounds fall faster
Burying me neck deep
The smell of gunpowder and lingering cosmoline
Drowning in this bullet hell
Thoughts flying
Keeping me from you
These morning hours wait for me
Sitting around sharpening their knives
Waiting to ambush me
To drag me out into the streets and devour me
I need a word or a touch but there’s no one
The world sleeps
and these words hunt me
I burn and burst but can’t find you
dreams elude me
I need to save you or you to save me
but I’m just a word fool
hunted by hours
waiting for the sun to say wake.
I am nothing but a moment, a memory, a hope
Dropped glass shattered, splinters broken, time itself bleeds
False hopes play us for fools
And the ache of sleepless nights cuts deeper than bones
Happiness a fiction we spin
This last breathe fades as a night of dreams shakes off false imagery for a cold inhalation of frigid air, born anew as sun crests horizon
Last tears shed as the ache unfolds and the mind tells its pretty truths and ugly lies.
And the part that is fear gorges and speaks, the ugliness must be true for who would speak such things if they were not
I sometimes think, “I’m just this mad thing. Bound up in desires impossible to realize. Trying to get others to see, to accept, impossible beauty, impossible desires, so that at some point I won’t be alone.”
Its weird to think this way, I think. Weird to hope this way. To jump then question the decision. To fall in love, then hope they are in love as well. All of these thoughts bouncing around in my brain and mostly I want a few minutes of silence. Or, if not silence, then to speak with my love. The person I love. About anything, everything.
That last is the most normal.
Which brings us to why do I care what seems normal. It’s simple. Confirmation bias. Artists and open minded types surround ourselves with similar people. So much so that mainstream ideas seem foreign. And because they do, we are less likely to engage in those areas. And as we pull away, we, ourselves, become foreign to people in the mainstream. This leads to a problem. Our audience for our art should be able to reach as many people as possible. Not because as many people as possible enjoying the work is the goal but because reach means that the people who need to read the piece or hear the poem are more likely to do so.
These are the places my mind goes when all I really want is to be with you. To hold you. To learn you. All the things we need to be successful in a relationship. See? Overthinking even in the face of my desire to simply be with the person I love
The wolf statue that stands guard over the raven feather the wind gave me was facing the wrong direction and the feather was positioned wrong as well. Didn’t realize until this morning.
One of the ocd people in my house must have seen the books on that shelf leaning over and used the wolf like a bookend. Nope, nope nope.
I tell my loves and lovers always. That I will always be honest. Always be faithful. Always be there. Always keep their desires in mind. Always listen, if not understand. Always support their choices, provided those choices hurt none. Always love them. Always, always, always.
Its true and not true. I will always. Unless you walk away, no longer want me. In that circumstance, my always drifts away like a dream apparating into consciousness. Leaving me with the only always you can be certain of. I will always love you. Love is not finite. It grows to encompass all.
I feel it needs to be said, that the person I am with now. The person I love now. She is different from all prior loves. In most I am holding some piece of myself back. Some bit I don’t feel safe to share. With my Goddess of my Heart, she could have all of me. Everything I am. Life doesn’t wait for it to be simple or easy. I’ve learned that. And when it seems easy, it becomes difficult almost out of spite. We can overcome it. I’ve made my choice. I make it again and again. My choice is you. Again and again.
Only this moment exists. Everything else is either a promise or a dream
Is there anything more daunting than the blank page? When your heart and thoughts are awhirl. When your mind is making connections and your heart is making wishes. When your subconscious is screaming for attention and your head is pounding. When your eyes burn from not sleeping and your heart begins to sink. It all becomes too much, and you just want a minutes peace. To sink into the arms of a friend, a lover, and forget. To feel safe. So easy, seductively easy, treacherously easy…
Pelgris 