Always thinking about you
Always wrong
Maybe
Overthinking?
Maybe screwing up
Don’t know
Hell
Push comes to shove
I still miss you
I miss my friend
her
Sometimes, I’m an idiot
My work these past few days
Seems laser focused on my own pain
But I realize I’ve not been seeing the bigger picture
Because of circumstances
Neither of us feel in control of
We sit in virtual silence
Words half said
Caged in other talk
Songs half sung but never at full volume
I’ve been shredding myself
Never thinking how that made you feel
It wasn’t done out of malice
I assure you
Any pain I inflicted
Was as unintentional as the butterfly
Causing the hurricane
So I apologize here
And hope that you see it
Though I can’t know
But you are my person
I won’t forget again
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Sways the leaf
Heavy pulls
Fear bends
Take me in your arms
Hold me
I think
Until the moment we touch
And blend together
Strength to strength
Burn and build
Until conflagration
You are my forge fire
In you I am remade
In you I grow endurance
I burn away impurities
Revealing
Shoring up
Sunshine and bird calls
Wind and heat
In the lonely afternoon
Without you
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Wake me when it’s over
Heartbeat settles in
Air heats in closed car
Silence and the soft
Shhhhhhh of passing cars
Distance making sounds soft
Flesh and blood and bone
Heats
The heart beat echos
As empty chambers
Hands lose focus
Mind slips away from consciousness
Jerking back
Dreams twist
Recoil
Knowing that I’m losing her
Somehow unable to right the ship
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Hard lump in breast
Pain in heart
Like a fire
Poison leaching into bloodstream
Wanting nothing in a world without her
Shattered by how close we came
Shattered by promises
Bound by my word
I burn
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Hope’s remorseless steps
The weight of without
Breaks me with doubt
Forgotten inside
A light starts to die
Fading away
In remembrance
Body shifts and I shake
Hands start to quake
Oh, but the blade
Knows the truest is made
Quenched in the fires
Of yearning
This quiet alone
Knowing only roan
All I have loved
Stands the frozen dove
Caught between
With and without
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Declarations(NSFW thoughts)
Just because I love you and want all the good things for you doesn’t mean that when you give consent that I won’t brutalize you. That I won’t whip you, hurt you. That I won’t fuck you with my hands, mouth, cock and toys. That I won’t make you scream in pain and pleasure. That after I’m spent and can’t use you anymore, that I won’t tie you up and set toys in you, on you, to keep you cumming because I like to see you this way. That you won’t crawl and obey.
I love you. I see all of you. I know that you crave the darkness. And though it may seem otherwise. That my praise and heart felt love may make you feel like I am not up to your needs, you are wrong. I just choose to be more than one thing.
I can be the kind and loving partner. The stern and commanding caretaker/Daddy. And the hardcore sadist. I have many sides. But I will always be yours. Your Sir. Yours as you are mine.
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Circular torture
I was caffeine free and sleep deprived
Thinking please let me out of this day alive
Driving in and out of consciousness
Figuring, doesn’t matter life’s pretty much worthless
Been driving these dreams for eternity
The last thing you want is all of me
Giving over
you say you can handle me
Thinking his darkness will wash it away
Finding bright thoughts that don’t fade with the day
A different man when he’s happy.
But I lurk beneath the surface
Like a trapdoor alligator
Waiting to catch him alone
He wanders cut off from the person who became as sunshine
Fending against demons in the dark
Sleep is a gift given to him by joy
Relearning how to sleep when it stops being easy
Leaves me in this state
Hoping that I’ll live long enough to be together
Hoping that I’ll die before I wake
Dreams grander than the life I’m living
Memories and glimpses
Waking to the loss
Alone
And the attempt to not sleep again
Not for lack of dreams
But for the transition
Surfacing
Into the quiet
Of my own breathing
Facing a day of alone
Fully aware
Without the haze
Of caffeine free and sleep deprived
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Is silence better?
I wonder if it hurts like I hurt
If this ache to speak
To be heard
builds and builds
Until the silence is broken and
All the words of inane small talk
All that’s allowed streams out
A trickle of steam and ash
Choked volcano
I wonder if this empty pain is one I’ll get used to
Or will I break
Waiting
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Dreams fade on waking
I hate waking up from a dream where we were together to find that we are not. That I’m alone. It’s a shock. One I could do without while depressed.
But this won’t last forever. At least I hope not. I’m oddly hopeful. But fuck, maybe I should be.
Pelgris 