What shadows have wrought can be
Weaved into strength
What pain has bought can be
Turned into beauty
What despair crumbles away
Can be rebuilt
We are none of us so bound by circumstances that we are shackled to what we have now
There are always choices
Hard choices mayhaps
Terrible choices
But always there is a chance
And if help is required or merely desired
Look to those who love you
Who will sacrifice for your joy
Miss my writing
Miss my answers
Miss my reassurance
Miss my words
But miss me?
I don’t think anyone will.
It’ll just fade
Remember Pelgris, yeah, liked his stuff, wonder what happened to him.
Do you ever think that the only reason you are still alive is because you don’t have a gun at the right/wrong time?
I do. All the time. More lately admittedly. It’s that it’s quick. You’d think that if I really wanted to do it, I would have a plan. And plan alternatives. I have thoughts. I do. That sudden urge to step up and off the ledge. The overdose on common things method.
Fuck, I carry a super sharp blade on me at all times. A couple of swipes up the tree, avoiding the tendons, easy peasy.
So what stops me?
Two thoughts.
One, That I’ll fail. And then have to deal with the additional problems afterwards.
Two. That I’ll succeed. But between execution and finality, I’ll get a call or something will change that makes me want to live. And it will be too late.
I don’t think it’s a sin or anything like that. I regard death as mere transition. I’d be going home.
So why am I still here?
Fear and hope.
Maybe we don’t all think of things in those terms, but for most, fear and hope will get you through the day.
For a lucky few they have love.
For most everyone else, add in a sprinkling of inertia and lack of opportunity.
Fear and hope.
Do you ever force yourself to stay up? Not because you have anything to do but because you don’t want to give in? Like it’s a form of control. How long can I go until I collapse? How long until lack of sleep gives me a total emotional breakdown? I mean, it’s what I want anyway, right? Because, I can’t keep waking up from panic attacks. Because that’s the only time my subconscious is allowed to start screaming. Because when I’m awake the only way it gets out is through writing or tears I can’t control. Silent screams used to help but now the screams just go on and on until I’m panting from lack of breathing. And it’s not a good look, is it?
Lack of control in a Dominant is seen as weakness. Odd thing though, when I have a submissive. A real one not that sex only kink thing(if that’s your thing, whatever works for you, just I find it boring). When I have a submissive, I’m OK. Or maybe just the right person as submissive, cause the gods know, people are not interchangeable. Probably is the right person. Fuck. It IS entirely dependent on being the right person.
I don’t know where I’m going with this.
Just that I’m punishing my self by not sleeping. Because she’s there in my dreams and you’d think that I’d want to sleep to be with her but I stay away as long as possible. Because I just keep waking up. And I have to relearn what I knew before I collapsed.
That life is cruel. And nothing can change that.
I’m a desolate heart basking in the afterglow of hope
Tattered dreams snapping in the hot desert wind
All the good fades away
As not silence grows
Words left unspoken
Weight by waiting
Changing the curvature of the world
A tongue
(the longer held)
Weeps for want of striking waves
Loss compounds loss as she slips away
Last chances kissed away
Soft filaments stitched gossamer
Hopes delight fades gray
Heart silent
In waking
When you leave me
All will be as it was
Better that I had not lived past my time
Than to exist in this barren empty flower bed
Bereft of all but tainted lying hope
Splay me open
Crack my chest
There’s little enough left
A heart in tatters
Each new day cut slivers
Stuck in throat
Flowed out with tears come unbidden
Weaving a false tale of hopes realization
Fantasy without root
Just another sliver
An ache that never ends
Take what blood remains
Chest hollowed out
Filled with burnt ash
An endless well
I think about it daily
Several times a day
It causes pain in my throat
Tears in my eyes
I feel my heart aching
And I keep getting up
I keep going to work
I keep acting
Like I’m my normal self
If not normal itself
It’s not that I want to die
Or that oblivion is so alluring
I just don’t see the point of this anymore
And I tell myself, of course I won’t do it
It used to be that I thought, don’t set it in motion cause that’s when it will turn around.
Ever the cynic, even the end turns out wrong
But now it’s that I can’t hurt the people I love
Even if they don’t love me like I need them to
I think about it every day
But I don’t do it
I don’t know if that makes me strong
Or a fool
This is a beautiful world
I doubt it would be less so without me in it
I feel it coming, pouring like a wave I don’t know how to dodge. Tell me you need me, tell me you want me, tell me you love me. Ask for my help, for my guidance. Speak, else I fall.
Pelgris 