BDSM

Where I am as a Top.

PelgrisLeave a comment

I have not been an Active participant in BDSM for about a year and a half. I identify as a Switch. For me that means rope play and pain but no humiliation, in a Submissive role. As a Top, I hesitate to say Master, I am proficient. I don’t consider myself to be the best, probably far from it.

Tools and other accouterments, I’ve used and have preferences. I prefer a paddle to a strap or open hand. They all have their place but we’re talking my preferences here. I prefer ball to ring gags, though there is something to be said for rolled up panties. I’ll use a flogger if my sub prefers it but I prefer a quirt. It’s easier to control and allows for a range of strike strengths. My rope work is simplistic, nowhere near shibari and any play partner should either get that elsewhere or be prepared for slow going.

Safety is my watchword. I won’t use a single strand whip of any kind. Impresicion is too likely and heavy damage is possible. Perhaps, only if under another skilled Tops tutelage but I’m leary. I prefer a clear definition between normal and scene at least at first. I’m willing to revisit the subject the deeper in we are but it is a concern.

I will take on couples but only if I’m topping one or the other or both. I would need to trust another Top to work with them. That takes time. For couples I prefer that the spouse be there for the session. I prefer that we talk for several hours at least, and that is per session at least at first, about what you as a sub wants and need. I prefer the Green, Yellow, Red paradigm for safety but will consider a safeword.

I expect to make mistakes, I expect us to talk about and through those mistakes. I wish I could provide references but I cannot. Eric was my last real contact and he is not available. The last person I topped was part of a couple and is why I prefer the spouse/significant other to be present. Their partner knew I was topping them but I think they didn’t realize how emotionally involving that can become and weren’t prepared for the potential fallout. A case of someone being accommodating to their partners needs but not realizing to the extent that those needs were intertwined with who they were. It was a whole thing.

I prefer what I call Orders to humiliation. I’ve never been good at humiliation. Morgan tried to teach me but it wasn’t her thing, it wasn’t my thing so we sort of just dropped it. So telling you to do things and punishment for failure and rewards for success.

I prefer to discuss potential scenes ahead of time. What is desired from those scenes. I prefer they start from a common place and branch off from there. I like to have the flexibility to change it up as the scene progresses. Taking it gentler or harder as the scene demands.

Some scenes I’m willing to engage in in public but I prefer either experienced people watching or privacy. Being watched can heighten the experience but like someone standing at your shoulder while you type you can make mistakes and where it concerns someone’s body I prefer caution. Which brings me to edge play. Air deprevation and flechettes are the only methods I’m comfortable with. For either I will want a spotter. I prefer a nurse but I know that’s a tall order. Taking it slow and knowing your body will increase my comfort level but I’ve never engaged in edge play with someone I was not dating.

There is a lot more I could say, but I think I’ve covered the highlights.

Vanilla-*NSFW

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A dick, a pussy, an ass, a mouth
To me these are all vanilla
Been there done that
If that is all you want, there better be an emotive component because otherwise what’s the point
But if you want to be owned, trained
Then I don’t need the emotive crutch
The process, the new, the interplay is enough
Tell me your dirtiest, darkest desires
I’ll make them come true
You have other lovers?
That’s nice, I like to watch, participate
with them, with you
switch me round, pain and pleasure
drink me, drown me
I’m good for 3 or more, then spent, fingers, toys and mouth
quiver and cum, I want your pleasure writ loud in animalistic sounds
whimper, tied up, ball gag, breathe play, the lash, the flog, the paddle
flechettes if you go to the edge
don’t believe that my ongoing quest for emotional relationships preclude the physical
I’ve immersed myself, lost myself in rut
I like going down so much that I do daily tongue exercises to build endurance
I’m a fat guy, losing the weight but still I can see why you’d go for the skinny guy,
But 3 things (always at least 3), I am an accomplished and practiced lover, many consider me to be attractive despite the fat, and I get off on you getting off. and if you are into kink or BDSM, we have plenty to talk about or explore.
I just need you to ask, to be interested.  Unless we are dating, I require a smack to the face to show consent, open palm and smile if you like rough, we’ll discuss how far you want to go
Come on, come out
I’m feeling too emotional right now and need to lose myself in skin and pleasure

In case it wasn’t clear

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== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
88% Dominant
86% Rigger
84% Owner
83% Masochist
83% Master/Mistress
82% Switch
82% Experimentalist
78% Daddy/Mommy
76% Sadist
67% Primal (Hunter)
66% Rope Bunny
64% Brat Tamer
52% Non-monogamist
49% Ageplayer
43% Submissive
42% Voyeur
36% Degrader
31% Vanilla
29% Exhibitionist
24% Slave
19% Primal (Prey)
18% Brat
15% Pet
9% Degradee
8% Girl/Boy
See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=1233439

 

Though it should be said that I am much more mentally flexible than this test would indicate.  But my Kink tendencies? It pretty much nails.

Thought on relationships and BDSM

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Any relationship is going to be internally complicated.  The individual personalities,  the tug and pull of individual goals coupled together with the goals of the partnership, the internal and eternal give and take that must always be present to allow unique people to blend their lives.  There is a social dynamic at play that includes outside societal forces acting on the partnership as well. All of this ads up to relationships being difficult.

Not all the time, but there is always going to be some level of tension. At least in my experience. Add to that a secondary dynamic like that of a BDSM relationship and you have a very complicated set of parameters. If the BDSM is all “behind the bedroom door” you may be able to set up your lives so that they are compartmentalized.  This can work and for many people it does.

I don’t particularly like it. When I am in a relationship and that relationship includes BDSM, I prefer that aspect to bleed into and blend together with all other aspects of my and my partners life.  It’s, in my opinion, the only way to allow the truth of the life you are living to be your life.  This could be because I see the ‘behind the bedroom door’ as a way of closeting your lifestyle and speaking from experience the crush of hiding who you are is crippling on an emotional level.  Often so in ways and manifestations you do not realize until you shed those bonds.

To live that way in a relationship is an added stressor and stressors tend to accumulate the longer a relationship lasts.  The last thing it needs is something that you are effectively hiding from the world.  I’m not saying you need to speak as openly about the lifestyle and your life as I do.  Truthfully, I am a serious oversharer. Trying to ‘live out loud’ as I like to say means, well, being loud.  Honest and forthright about ones life.  It’s hard, but for me the other way was sisyphean levels of harder.

In any case, adding the dynamic of Master and submissive, to the mix of a relationship can be difficult.  But I think this is where hardcore adherence to the lifestyle is actually a benefit.  Safe, Sane and Consensual means that you are or should be discussing what is happening,  what all parties want, and what is and is not allowed.  The knowledge of the boundary lines allow all parties to blend their lives together that much more thoroughly.  If that is their desire,  or maintain separately,  but the discussion dynamic is in place as a go to.

Further the safeword or, my preference, Green/Yellow/Red procedure means that if something goes too far or you are edging into something that you don’t want to talk  about you can simply call a halt by saying, Yellow (let’s discuss) or red (stop, immediately, and discuss).  Because BDSM juggles so many physical, emotional and mental items it must have the artificial constructs in place to deal with those items. And those dynamics can be beneficial to a  relationship paradigm because communication and moreover a safe place for communication to occur is the strength of those of us in the community that take the core ideals to heart.

 

What started as discussion becomes introspection

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There is a marked difference in rough trade. In tie me up tie you down and Dominance and Submission. The former are tools in the toolbox of D&S but they are not the point. I think that people get focused on the physical aspects and this is all they see.

Myself, I like receiving pain. I enjoy it. But at no point am I submissive. I don’t follow orders well. I have Submitted on occasion, generally to become a better Dominant. Seeing things from that perspective is a valuable asset. But my submission was for the scene alone. I wasn’t living as a submissive.

And I don’t crave being submissive to someone; it is not a need for me. But I’m coming to realize that neither is being Dominant. I don’t need it. I enjoy it, but it is not a need. I like being a Dominant to a submissive because they enjoy it. It is a feedback loop for me.

I like rough trade and like being slapped, like nails that draw blood, like pain. But I feel only a need to pleasure my partner. I don’t know what that means. But I like the acceptance of fringe society as well. It’s why I like BDSM, why I like Goth. Why I like artists and poets, writers and musicians. All live on, live in society but are in ways not of society and that makes them more accepting.

I have long Identified as a BDSM Top. But I wonder how much of that is a result of my relationship with Sara and with Eric. Other than them leaving, by very different routes, I would not change what we had. And I would still be more thoroughly ensconced in that life if they were still a part of mine. But I wonder now, if I am still that. Or like a chameleon, do I simply shift to the desires of those around me, taking the pleasures where I can from what they desire. I honestly don’t know.

Have we fallen so far

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A interested party asked me, almost timidly, if BDSM always involved sex. I had to think for a second, not because I did not have the answer, but because it calls to mind the bad information that is out there. Of course it doesn’t always involve sex.

I incorporate sex into play only when I am in a romantic relationship with the person or persons. If the relationship is as Master and Submissive, then no, I don’t incorporate those elements into the play. I think that there is a misconception at work here that play is all about sex.

Admittedly, I have been out of the lifestyle except for friends and the referral from friends for some time now as I struggled to get my problems in hand. But, I can’t imagine it has changed so much. Perhaps, the contamination of 50 shades of grey is to blame.

Or, it could be that the community is not providing adequate training and support or making said information available except in the context of sex. I’ll want to ask where they got the notion to determine where it comes from.

I can’t shake the feeling that it is because male “tops” will use any excuse to get their dick wet. If that is the case, then those people are sexual opportunists and not true masters or tops. It is something to be aware of.

Just because you are bound does not mean you give up consent. Sex is not implicit unless such as been made explicit. I know, I could be accused of being too safe. Believe me, there is no such thing. I won’t even touch a partner sensually unless it has been agreed to. I may want to, need to, burn to, but failure to obtain consent for ANY act, is abhorrent. It is betrayal, it is rape.

Thoughts on what passes for consent.

Pelgris1 Comment

So,  I just took a traipse through several blogs that were talking about consent in BDSM. I frankly found the content there frightening. Not just in what is considered consent: Outside of edge play, which not all are suited to despite their desires, the Dominant should not lose control. As the dominant, you should not allow yourself to be so taken in by whatever activity you are engaged in, that you edge into non-consent.  There is a difference between play fear and real fear, and if you see real fear, then you need to call yellow yourself.  You need to check, that consent is still given.  You cannot just assume that once given it is given for the scene entire.  Consent is not one and done.  It is a continual affirmation that they are good to go.  For some dominants,  that is not what they want to hear.  They want to hurt, to cause pain,  and the thin veneer of initial consent is enough to get them to act.  That is Sadism.  Which itself is fine,  within the strict limits of control.  If you yourself, are unable to maintain that control then it may help to have a 3rd party present.  To ref the action.  If you so lose yourself, that you cannot determine consent from non-consent then that is a problem.  Not insurmountable,  but measures should be taken.  Safe, Sane, and Consensual.  It is not just a catchphrase. I take safety and Consent very seriously.  And I check to see that my actions at least are sane.  You cannot be engaged in dangerous play of any kind without rules.  That is in play as much for BDSM as it is for knife fighting, or blood play, or underground fighting. Rules are made and enforced to keep us all safe.  And keep a nurse or doctor on hand if possible, I’m not saying that non-consent cannot be roleplayed.  I’m saying that as the dominant, you do not get a free ride to do whatever the hell you want.  you must be aware at all times. I know a few who are dipping their toes into the life. And I am genuinely afraid for them, the wrong top or master and it could ruin the experience.    I have been called too safe. Too in control. Perhaps.  But I have seen the results of the other way.

Take me to church

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So Take me to church by Hozier is apparently about being gay while being Catholic.  I always thought it was a song about about a BDSM slave worshipping his master.  There is the off chance that I’ve been in the life for too long. 

Rambling thoughts

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There is a surprising degree of romantic thought that goes into Bdsm play. As master, I construct the scene. I create the space, the framework that my submissive can step into. We’ll have had the Negotiation well ahead of time. I prefer a date somewhere public to have that discussion. It allows me to gauge the degree of exhibitionist they are, allows me to see how comfortable with the lifestyle and degree of interest in the various acts. For many, the public setting puts them off balance and allows space for honesty. That’s just the initial meeting, I use text and fantasy scenarios to see what space they want to explore. Pleasure is all well and good, but discovery of something new or a variation is often better.

I say romantic because the scenario preplay is idealized and postplay it’s often misremembered through the haze, (if it was good). I, unfortunately, can’t do that. Forget enough to fill in pieces, I mean. I have a specific type of sense memory. I remember people I have been romantically entangled with. I remember each touch, and a few minutes after touch with crystalline clarity. It is a curse.