Thoughts

Where were you

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Where was I? I was leaving my house going to work after the first plane hit. I went to work, people were watching the news on big screens setup for this purpose. I kept working.

This may seem cold to you. And looking back now, I see that it was. But at the time, I had a job to do and I did it. I wasn’t in a position to do anything about it. I didn’t know anyone in the Towers or the planes. So I didn’t feel any personal response. As to people attacking the USA. Given the information at the time, I viewed it as inevitable. I did not expect the scale.

As to the loss of human life, well I can’t say anything that doesn’t make me sound callous. The loss of life is always a tragedy. Each life cut short, cut short of the potential a full life may bring. But I have no feelings on the matter. Just regret at the loss.

So that is where I was. A cold, callous man doing a job he thought important but which turned out to not be. Thank the Gods that man is dead.

Monsters

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I’m attracted to the damaged ones. The broken people. When I am with them, I try to fill them with love and beauty. Give them space to grow and be free. But it is not altruism that attracts me. It is like blood on the water.

And much as I struggle against my darker desires, I am a wolf. So the tattered innocence, the broken virtue, the lied to, the betrayed, they draw me near. I can see into the broken places and I desire to cuddle up next to them.

It is the monster in my heart. One I would rather die than allow freedom. I’ve caged it round with rules and obligations. Made it serve me. Hopefully it is enough.

Vows of a drowning man

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I’m sure your body is beautiful. But I’m looking at your eyes. Your eyes are the window to your soul. They reflect the world around you. I want nothing more than to see them crinkle with a smile when they see me.

The body is a playground and, believe me, we will play. Your joy, your laughter, your sobs, your tears, the soft thoughts and harsh words. These all are seated in your eyes, issued forth from lips and tongue, breathe over vocal cords. Churned forth in the maelstrom of your mind.

I may like the way you move, the outfit you wear. The form of your body. But I reserve my love for the parts that make up your soul. Whisper your words, pierce me with eyes, show me your world.

Sometimes…

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Sometimes, there are no good choices. Sometimes you must do what is necessary no matter the personal cost.  It is in these instances where the true value of your character is revealed.  Do you have what it takes to take the correct step, even if it costs everything?
Let’s see.

Pax prime wake-up

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I just woke up and am about to get ready for PAX. I’m going to the keynote where I’ll get to be one of the oldest people there. Further, I am feeling social anxiety on a few fronts.

I’m here in Seattle with some friends and I truly enjoy their company but they have a kid now. So, obviously, their lives will revolve around this. I don’t particularly like kids, I tolerate them would be a good assessment.

Plus there are going to be tons of people in town. 100k plus attendees. That sea of humanity does nothing for me. At least nothing good. I also damaged my hip, simple inflammation but Pax is a walking convention. You can easily do 10 miles in a day. So that’s super fun.

I am also questioning my place here. Am I so interested in gaming culture that it necessitates a convention? Perhaps if I had someone to go with, a companion, that would bring back relevancy. But, alas, relationships in those areas fell through.

So, here I’ll be. Alone in a sea of humanity.
If you see me, feel free to say hi or have a conversation. I’m open even if I don’t look it. I’ll be the tall, long haired guy with the falcon northwest backpack dressed like I’m going to a funeral. All in black.

Well

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I have been known to say that I embraced my darkness and in doing so came out the other side. This is not to say that I emerged into light. Far from it. I merely emerged in a cloak of my own darkness. By accepting All that I am, I am able to be honest. I am not the hero of the story. I am. There need be no other statement.

Passing through

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There are many days where I want nothing more than to be in a starkly beautiful place, watching the sunrise, as I quietly fade and die.

Take me to church

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So Take me to church by Hozier is apparently about being gay while being Catholic.  I always thought it was a song about about a BDSM slave worshipping his master.  There is the off chance that I’ve been in the life for too long. 

A year passes

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The waters are stilling now. ripples from her dropping into the lake of me with the violent Splash Kerthunk of a boulder. Drifting to the bottom stirring the settled depths. Amidst turmoil and change, to be back round again. In the same place, lamenting choices taken and not. She stirred me up then gone like ghost. A memory only. The possible writ large. Crumbling in the quiet. Then a love so mental it consumed my mind, a key given to one who chose to not open the lock. A series of missteps, then a physical fire consumed and consuming. Extinguished before it could flame out. Then a mistake. Harsh lessons, and I settle in for Winter. The banshee wind howls outside my fireplace warmed room. The first snows are falling. And all my searching comes round to this empty.

Golden age

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I love this world. For all of it’s flaws, it is a unique opportunity. We are connected in ways we have never been connected. I can learn from the scholars of the past and present easily,without the barrier of the need to travel to them.

And people are opening up about their innermost thoughts and sharing it with the world wide. Most people have one or two profound thoughts rattling around. It could be the same thought for many but the phrasing could be slightly different and that will click with you. You’ll learn something, something you never knew or thought about. Something, even 50 years ago would have required riches or power to access.

We live in an age of wonders. And not just the obvious of flight. Though flight and more importantly it’s availability as a tool for relatively inexpensive and quick travel, have a profound effect.

Think about this, for most of history we have been limited by what we could know. What the people around you know and maybe what the people in the next town over know. Information traveled slowly if at all. And with information comes connection.

I know things about the world in a casual way that, in the past, would have been the sole provenance of scholars. Think about this, most people where I live own a mode of transportation that allows them to travel vast distances in a short amount of time. It would be like if all the people in 18th century London owned a horse. And I do mean all.

We live in a fast and wonderful world. One I stand in awe of every day. The vast sweeping change that we have accomplished and the speed at which this change is sweeping forward. It’s not a perfect world, but as long as we move forward, it’s getting there. Maybe not in this lifetime, but there will be wonders.

Take some time to appreciate the opportunity we have, living in the free first world. Unprecedented access to art and science and more importantly each other than has ever been possible. Some of the best people I know live in Finland, Sweden, Denmark, England, Australia and more.

I’ve never met them in person but we talk daily. Mostly about games or entertainment but occasionally about the innermost workings of our minds. These are people I would never have met otherwise and with whom I feel connected. We live in a golden age. Take advantage of it.