Soft notes
Looking across the room
Into your eyes
Shocked recognition thrills up spine
Sad note of missed opportunities
Wistful reaching
Across the dance floor
Beat pulls us closer
Through the dancers
Their wild gyre
Obscuring the sight of you
Each re-emergence sending
Lightning through my heart
Step, step, step
Measured movements
Face to face
Hands clasp and on hip
Sway and burn into your eyes
Move together
Actions blurring in the fury of our passion
Past burned away
Until only now
And us
Remain
poetry month
Two first names
Uncertainty draws vital fluid
A spinal tap of the will
Captured in the maze
No way out without a compass
No guides or guidance
A vision of pure ego
Without the strength
To stay the course
Flitting from idea to idea
No follow through
Ambition but no logic
Give a person tools
Watch them build or fall
Run or sprawl
Instead of this empty fog
A cutout that knows they are a cutout
Not a smart move
Par for the course
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Heavy lid drops down
Rush
Pound blood
Soundwaves ringing
Softer than most hear
Pressured emptiness
Giving out
Breaking down
Too tired to scream
Earth undulates
Vision fogs
Vaguely incomplete
Verge of waking
Hot and terrible
Sleep calls
Beckons
But exhaustion is my mistress
Sleep only embraces
When heart blooms
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Dying from the lack
There’s only so many days you can be sleep deprived without going crazy
Or you’d think that but here you are
Or maybe seeing movement out of the corner of the eye
ISN’T a anxiety reaction and you are hallucinating
Maybe that manic feeling right as caffeine hits your limbic system is that swing to thinking you are fine and everything will work out
Sanity is such a fine line
And ever present emotional pain bubbles up like tar
Coating every surface making it harder to move
No solutions
Just want to be held
Whether physically
Or buoyed up by your words
So I can sleep
So I can make it to you
So we are safe
We
Thinking as a we
When we aren’t yet a yes
My sanity must be slipping
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Persistent memory
Glint of tomorrow
Transfers on contact paper
Powder burned
Room so cold it requires a blanket
The gift of a raven
Hints at a heat known only
By dreamlight
Obscured by a fogged horizon
Reaching out
Trembling
Fall asleep
The only place for us
For now
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What sleep is
I sleep
Facing east
Knees slightly bent
On my left side
Pillow underneath left arm
Neck on top of another pillow
Cradling the crook
I sleep
Right arm behind me
Perched atop more pillows
Left arm outstretched
Pointing towards you
I sleep
Wearing normal clothes
In case of fire
Or emergency
I won’t be caught unawares
No shoes
No socks my concession to comfort
Though I am comfortable
I sleep
Single light bulb on
Illuminating my bedroom
Not out of fear
But because it’s easier to act if you can see them coming
While we’re talking sight
I wear my glasses to sleep
Only taking them off when I shower
I sleep
Facing the single entry to my room
No windows
Door locked
Blade never far from me
But concealed
Live a certain way for long enough and some things never leave you
I sleep
Breathing in and out
Telling myself that tomorrow doesn’t matter
Only now and now is sleep time
You can see how well that’s working
Since I’m writing this
I sleep
Alone
Longing to hold her in my arms
Snuggled up under the blanket she gave me
Because this is as close as possible
The air conditioner is on because
Here it’s hot and I can’t bring myself to put it away yet
I sleep
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Step away from falling
display a fragile darkness
Recognized by all in pain
Am I a creature of recrimination
and bitter self doubt
Cast full flesh to the flame
Or cool water
Quenched and drowning
Slipping away beneath the skin
Gorged full of yearning
Turning on the wind
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Half obscured reveal
Lethe pulls down
Drinking self
Inhabiting another’s thoughts
Angry anxiety
Rail against what is
Running
Taunting
Trading one gang for another
Perspective shift
Both runner and chase
One seeking safety
The other seeking safe
Dangerous to others
Fighting wars
Reasons for the things we do
Truth eludes us
Until we look behind
And read the why’s on the wind
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Anxiety or perception
Always thinking about you
Always wrong
Maybe
Overthinking?
Maybe screwing up
Don’t know
Hell
Push comes to shove
I still miss you
I miss my friend
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Sometimes, I’m an idiot
My work these past few days
Seems laser focused on my own pain
But I realize I’ve not been seeing the bigger picture
Because of circumstances
Neither of us feel in control of
We sit in virtual silence
Words half said
Caged in other talk
Songs half sung but never at full volume
I’ve been shredding myself
Never thinking how that made you feel
It wasn’t done out of malice
I assure you
Any pain I inflicted
Was as unintentional as the butterfly
Causing the hurricane
So I apologize here
And hope that you see it
Though I can’t know
But you are my person
I won’t forget again
Pelgris 