Author: Pelgris

A discourse on my feelings

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I am not a teams person. By this I mean that I do not take pride in things that I did not have a hand in accomplishing. I may be proud of a person or group for their accomplishments but I don’t have that personal feeling as if it were my accomplishment.

This also means that I don’t feel shame for things that other people or groups have done when I have not taken part in those things. I may feel anger directed at individuals who take those actions but I am divorced from the feeling of shame that may accompany such.

This has an odd affect in that I widely regard actions as that of the individual alone while only at an emotional distance understanding the larger societal cause of those actions.

This means that unless I pause and think through the actions, I do not understand why a person may act or think a certain way. Because at the instinctual level of emotion those baseline emotions are not present for me.

Emotionally I only feel a part of a those groups in which I am an active participant. All others exist only at an intellectual level not a visceral one.

So wide statements as to my inclusion in groups as if I were an active participant hits me in ways many might consider to be congruent with the denial that said group is wrong. However, it is that I only see individuals first on an emotional level and only after that filters through conscious thought do I see them as something other than a human taking individual actions.

The way we(humanity) react first will always be at the emotional level and the way our emotions are constructed will always effect our behavior and relationships with each other. And when emotions are not consistent across groups, we find that understanding becomes quite difficult. Because at the base level we don’t understand and only at the intellectual remove do we see.

This is one of the reasons emotional introspection is so important. Because without the understanding of the what and why we feel, we cannot understand the how another feels. Emotional intelligence is not just understanding yourself. But it must start there.

Burnout in a pandemic

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I made the realization that it isn’t lack of motivation or will which holds me back from writing. It’s a desire to not think. To not form conscious thought.

And I can see the parallels to the burnout that I experienced years ago. Burnout that I came out the other side of, scarred but enlightened.

But it’s not something I care to experience again.
However, many of my release mechanisms no longer exist.

Going to the bar with friends, not gonna happen with Covid.

Going out to dinner at my favorite restaurant? Can’t. They closed down. They’d been open for the majority of my life but couldn’t sustain during covid shutdowns. It’s understandable as their food didn’t travel well but it was amazing and I’ll never have it again.
I used to eat a meal then sit in their parking lot watching these giant trees wave in the breeze. Just getting lost in the moment.

I used to eat a weekly lunch with 2 of my best friends. We’d talk about our lives and it was extremely important to me. But covid ended that.

I have other means that help but it’s not enough.
I don’t know what to do. I recognize the problem. But those were relationships that took years to build. Took years to feel comfortable with.
And I just don’t know.

A dream, a hope, a life, a lie

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Fingertips trace lines
Nerve endings echo with the memory
No burning
No bonfire
Lines drawn in skin
In promise
Our hearts
Nuclear fire
The cool etching
A dalliance of forever
No mere moment enough
No mere forever too much
Bound in deeds
No debt but to ourselves
Come take my hand
Let mortal concern
Be but wind
And let lips meet
In becoming
Two into one

Marathon without end

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Having that hard time
Relating to young rhyme
Each year passing
Pushing me past
My sell by date
Not intended to make you feel bad
Just a life lived
Gives perspectives you’ll never have
That empathy gained
From the shard poking through skin
From years when
To touch me was to come away bloody
There is a broken
That hurts so much
That spreading that pain
Is the only thing that brings temporary relief
Until the pain you cause leads to the spiral down
And here I am at the end of a long road
Looking towards the next journey
And just wondering how to leave the pain
Behind
If I even can
Or maybe it’s just this deep hope
That maybe there is a future
Where happiness is present
Rather than at so so distant remove
The briefest hint of orange and chocolate
The phantom of a phantom
One step removed from a memory
Instead, just wandering
How to be lost when all around you are destinations
There’s no bells ringing here
No messages
Just make that decision
And wander into the break
One last attempt at drowning
One last retreat
A kiss made from yearning
Instead of a choice to be better
Words and pain tumble out
And only sleep
Offers refuge

Thoughts filter from the ether in the dark of morning

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We all want the fairy tale. The one that says that we’ll find perfect love and be happy. But chasing that dream just results in ashes in the mouth. There is no perfection. No dream. Fairy tales are full of blood and betrayal. And we forget that. Bound instead to the spun sugar fantasy that modern cinema and Disney has spoon fed us.

There are people who are good for us. Who would be companions. Who would walk beside us in our slow boat to the end. But our brains are filled with the thinly veiled rot. And when things get hard…and they always get hard…many of us bail. Looking to that false sunrise over the horizon.

Of course, if the hard is abuse, then get out as soon as you can. Leaving them dead in your wake if neccesary. Just dispose of the body. Have a plan. Because our justice system is bullshit.

But from that digression, instead focus on what’s real. Not some thinly veiled possible. Find the people who love you. Stand up and beside them.
Life is hard. Alone, its impossible. At least long term.

But be real. Have the hard discussions. Get on the same page. Figure out what works. Love each other.
Nothing else is as important.

A rededication of purpose

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There is an aspect of my life I’ve allowed to fall away. Thinking that with a purpose served there was no use to learning; to changing in that direction.

However, it was through learning and wielding in those aspects that I felt most alive. Most happy. Leaving. Taking a vacation for my, for the rest of my life, has left me without purpose. Having had purpose for half of my life, it felt like setting a burden down. Like I was allowed to breathe in full measure without labour. And while it was that, one loses focus. Loses the path when life becomes an endless parade of distractions. Hoping to fill the eternal empty of endless days.

Distraction, for a time, was nice. My soul needed it. But that time is past. My soul needs another path. An old path. Its steps chosen again and again. As the wheel breaks and turns. As the thin hopes of a hundred years crack, revealed to be naught but facade.

Only the storm remains. The deep night. And the eternal winter.

Past the sell by date

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Trip the light
Each step a echo of the ones before
Each echo a hollow empty
This expanse without purpose
What use is a bullet already fired
Just a spent cartridge
Left to rot

Missing freedom

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slowly being boiled alive
Each day the heat ratchets up
Each day one more responsibility
Weighs down
Thought I was at the top of my game
Turns out I was just a frog down a well
Living on the wheel
Paycheck to paycheck
One bad day away from an ending
Lost in the weeds
Burned out or burning
Doesn’t matter when you have no choices
Each day just a step closer to ending
Looking forward to that eternal relief